Category: Mindfulness

Our thoughts and feelings are a river.

What does this river look like?

As we’ve discussed often, mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment, with intention. There are six skills involved in mindfulness. These are:

1. Observing
2. Describing
3. Participating
4. Being non-judgmental
5. Being one-mindful
6. Being effective

Would these skills help you to recognize that your emotional states are simply processes of the mind? Would these skills help you to identify any addictive processes that lead to emotional aggression on your part?

It may help to realize that your thoughts and feelings are like a river. The goal of mindfulness is not to dam up the river and stop its flow. The river is always flowing. Sometimes negative thoughts and feelings float to the top of that river. Sometimes positive thoughts and feelings float to the top of that river. If you find yourself in a period where those negative thoughts and feelings are floating to the top, you have a choice. You don’t have to drown in the river. You can choose to get out of the river, sit on the riverbank, and watch if flow by. When you choose to get out of the river, you’re not stopping the flow of the river. You’re just choosing for a time not to ‘go with the flow’ if the flow is negative. The choice is always yours.

One goal of mindfulness is to realize that we are not our thoughts. We are not our feelings. We are something else. We can choose to identify with our thoughts and feelings, but we can also choose not to identify with negative thoughts and feelings. In doing so we come to realize that we are not bad people. We’re just people who sometimes may have less productive thoughts and feelings. We’re not angry people. We’re just people who sometimes may let our anger get the better of us. We’re not sad, anxious or depressed people. We’re just people who sometimes experience sadness, anxiety, or depression.

The River of Perfection

Sometimes emotional aggression is the result of feeling the need to be ‘perfect’ all of the time. People who have problems with emotional regulation are obviously passionate people. We feel strongly about things and people we believe in. Sometimes that passion can manifest in perfectionism. But what does ‘perfect’ really mean?

Try this sometime: Ask three of your closest friends what their idea of the ‘perfect’ day would be. I’m willing to bet that you’d get three different answers. Some people might think that a perfect day would be spent at the beach, while others might think that a perfect day would be spent hiking in the mountains. Still others might consider a day in a library or bookstore to be the perfect day.

The point here is that if different people have different definitions of what ‘perfect’ means, there can be no objective definition to the word ‘perfect.’ If there is no objective definition to the word, then each individual defines perfection for themselves. If you find yourself defining ‘perfect’ in such a way that perfection becomes impossible to achieve, then you have a choice. You may choose to redefine it in such a way that it becomes possible to achieve. You may also choose not to feel guilty or inadequate if you are unable to meet your own self-defined standards of perfection.

The tools and skills of mindfulness help us to understand that we don’t have to meet some arbitrary standard of perfection. Mindfulness teaches us self-awareness, and with self-awareness comes the realization that we are “perfect” just as we are. Until we come to that realization, change is not possible.

Mindfulness helps us to come to that awareness.

“Whatever you are doing, ask yourself, ‘What’s the state of my mind?’”
– Dalai Lama, 1999

Mindful describing is a skill of mindfulness. Baer et al (2006) described five factors associated with mindfulness. These factors are: observe, describe, act with awareness, non-judge and non-react. These five factors can be measured by several instruments, and have been shown to be good predictors of psychological symptoms and/or psychological resilience. While these five factors are interrelated, they are also distinct and separate domains. For example, the skill of observing is separate from the skill of describing, but one cannot describe without first observing, therefore these skills overlap to some degree. Taken together, these five factors, or skills, constitute a state of mindful awareness.

Mindful describing may be defined as focusing on the details of an event or activity, sensing the components of that activity, and then defining the experience.

The skill of describing first involves observing the smallest details of an object, event or activity. When we are in a state of mindful awareness, we approach each daily activity as if we are experiencing it for the first time. To practice the art of describing, approach each new experience by examining as many dimensions of it as you can. You can probably readily identify with the fact that the color of an apple is red, or perhaps yellow or green, but have you ever thought about what an apple sounds like? Is there a distinct quality of an apple that would make it identifiable only by sound? What would a blind person’s experience of an apple be? When you think of apples, do you have any emotional reaction to them? Do you have any positive memories about apples? What about negative memories? By identifying and labeling these feelings and thoughts about apples, we become more aware of our internal experiences relating to apples.

When we gain experience with this technique, we can apply it to other areas of our lives as well. For example, by looking at your negative thought processes, and identifying and labeling them as such, you are better able to recognize them simply as processes, and not as part of who you are as a person.

A child’s experience of the world is vastly different from an adult’s experience of the same world. To a child, the world is new each day. Children approach the world each day with a sense of wonder. As we get older and learn about things, we learn what to expect by learning how things usually work. This is usually a good thing. For example, if you learn that dogs may bite, you will probably approach a new dog with caution, as a matter of safety. But what if it’s a friendly dog?

Our assumptions can work to protect us, but sometimes our assumptions can work against us as well. If you approach all dogs as dogs that might bite, you’re naturally going to avoid dogs more. You may even miss an opportunity to play and roll in the grass with a friendly dog because your assumption may be “all dogs bite.”

What about people and relationships? If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, your assumptions might include “all people bite.” Such an assumption will color the way you approach new people. If you assume that all people are unfriendly, how is a new person likely to react to you? By learning the art of describing, we can focus more on the whole person (or dog!) and see that each individual has both positive and negative qualities. We can choose which qualities to focus on based on the assumptions we make in our interactions with them.

While it is probably impossible to achieve a state where we are totally free of any assumptions, the more assumptions we make, the more we increase the risk of making an incorrect assumption. Therefore one of the goals of Mindfulness is to achieve what is known as childlike mind or beginner’s mind. In this state we start each day with a blank slate, and allow the day to write on it what it will.

From an attitude of beginner’s mind, we can then more fully use the skill of describing, by seeing things in a new way, as if for the first time. The more we use the skill of describing, the more open we become to seeing things in new ways. Once we learn to see things in a new way, new solutions to old problems may present themselves.

Baer, Ruth & Smith, Gregory & Hopkins, Jaclyn & Krietemeyer, Jennifer & Toney, Leslie. (2006). Using Self-Report Assessment Methods to Explore Facets of Mindfulness. Assessment. 13. 27-45. 10.1177/1073191105283504.

Mindful Observing begins by learning to pay attention to an object. Any object will do. In fact, the more mundane the object is, the better for practicing observing skills. The idea of observing is to be entirely present in the moment with the object being observed, using all of the senses. If you can engage senses ordinarily not associated with the predominant characteristics of the object, then so much the better. For example, most people know what an orange looks like, and tastes like, but have you ever considered what an orange sounds like? If you were blindfolded and someone held an orange up to your ear and squeezed it, would there be a distinct sound that would identify the orange to you? The purpose of observing in this way is to see things in a way we have never seen them before.

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) is a blending of Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. It was developed in 2002 by Segal, Williams and Teasdale for the treatment of depression. It was specifically developed to prevent recurrence of depressive symptoms after a successful therapeutic intervention. MBCT is composed of eight sessions, or lessons. During the first session, participants are taught to differentiate between Doing Mode and Being Mode. They are also taught the mindful skill of observing, as a way of moving from Doing Mode to Being Mode.

The first step in observing is to eliminate as many assumptions as possible about what we are observing. We all make assumptions every day about the world around us, and many of these assumptions help us to navigate and survive in the world around us. When a traffic light turns green, you automatically assume that the person coming the other way will stop. If that assumption is incorrect, we put ourselves in great danger. But if we did not make that assumption, we would never be able to go anywhere. So our assumptions are useful to a point. But what if our assumptions are incorrect or unhelpful?

Suppose you are at work one day and your coworker, Bob, frowns at you. You could assume that you have done something to upset Bob. If that is your assumption, you will probably interact differently with Bob than you would if you had assumed that perhaps Bob is just having a bad day and his facial expression has nothing to do with you. If you assume that Bob is upset with you, and you act accordingly, what is likely to happen if you discover your assumption was incorrect? Will you act differently with Bob based upon your assumptions about his intentions? Will Bob act differently with you based on his assumptions about your intentions?

When practicing the skill of observing, the observations should be made without drawing any conclusions regarding their content. Observing should be done without making any assumptions.

One way of engaging in observing is to picture yourself an artist, about to draw the object that you are observing. It may be an object you have looked at a thousand times, but if you look at it through the eyes of an artist, suddenly you will see it in a new way. You will begin to notice how light and shadow fall on the object, and how colors transition into each other. You will notice the depth of the object, and its perspective. Now explore the object with the rest of your senses. Pick it up. How heavy is it? How does it feel as your skin makes contact with it? Is it hot or cold, soft or hard? Smell it. Does it have a distinct aroma? What does it sound like? What does it taste like? Observe the object as if you have never seen it before, with Beginner’s Mind, free of assumptions about the object.

When you have gained some practice with observing objects, you may move on to observing your own internal states. What are you feeling at this very moment? What is your emotional state? Remember, the goal is to simply observe this internal state, without drawing any conclusions or making any assumptions about it. Practice the skill of observing with both your thoughts and your emotions. The more skill you gain with observing, the more you come to realize that emotions and thoughts are just mental processes. They are not who you are. They are not your identity.

Kingston et al (2007) looked at the effectiveness of using Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) in the treatment of residual depression. They found that those who continued to practice MBCT had a continual decline in the recurrence of symptoms of depression. One significant departure from these results was in the area of rumination. While rumination scores decreased in the test population as well, there was a statistically significant correlation between higher rumination scores and rates of relapse. In other words, those who were more prone to ruminate were more prone to relapse.

Rumination could be defined as “coming to conclusions about observations of my own internal state,” as rumination is associated with worrying about a particular problem or observation. Since the goal of observing is to note your internal state without drawing conclusions about it, or without making assumptions about it, observing tends to reduce the tendency to ruminate.

Mathew, Kate & Whitford, Hayley & Kenny, Maura & Denson, Linley. (2010). The Long-Term Effects of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy as a Relapse Prevention Treatment for Major Depressive Disorder. Behavioural and cognitive psychotherapy. 38. 561-76. 10.1017/S135246581000010X.

There are six skills of mindful awareness in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). They are divided up into “what” skills and “how” skills. The “what” skills are what you do to be mindful, and the “how” skills are how you do what you do to be mindful. This worksheet lists and briefly describes each of these skills.

The “What” Skills of Mindful Awareness

Observing
When we are preoccupied with thoughts of the past or the future, we are in thinking mode. Thinking mode takes us away from experiencing the world directly with our senses. In thinking mode, we are living in our heads instead of living in the moment.

Mindful Awareness teaches us to focus on the world experienced directly by our senses: touch, taste, smell, hearing, and sight. Experiencing life in sensing mode introduces us to a richer world. It’s impossible to be bored or apathetic if you treat each experience as if it is happening to you for the first time, through your senses.

The skill of observing involves shifting out of thinking mode and into sensing mode by observing what you are experiencing in the present moment through all of your senses.

Describing
This skill of Mindful Awareness involves observing the smallest details of an object, event or activity, then describing the experience in a non-judgmental fashion. Describing means approaching each daily activity as if you are experiencing it for the first time. Explore as many dimensions of it as you can. When we gain experience with this technique, we can apply it to other areas of our lives as well.

For example, by looking at your negative thought processes, and identifying and labeling them as such, you are better able to recognize them simply as processes, and not as part of who you are as a person. DBT teaches you to describe experiences without judging them or labeling them as “good” or “bad.” Instead, you can label them as merely thoughts or feelings, while remembering that thoughts and feelings are not facts.

Participating
Mindful Awareness allows you to experience every aspect of an activity. We have a tendency, when in thinking mode, to see things and activities as either “all bad” or “all good.” This is not necessarily an accurate depiction of reality. Most activities aren’t inherently good or bad. We’ve taught ourselves to think of them in such terms, but we can also teach ourselves to think in a different way.

Think about an unpleasant activity that you have to engage in on a regular basis, such as washing the dishes or taking out the trash. Can you think of any pleasant aspects of these activities? There are enjoyable aspects to every experience, if we train ourselves to look for them. Even if we find ourselves caught in an activity in which we can find no pleasure at all, at least we have the pleasure of thinking about how good we’ll feel when the activity is over!

Life occurs in the present moment. Mastering the art of participation allows us to get the most out of life in the present.

 
The “How” Skills of Mindful Awareness

Non-judgmental
Mindful Awareness teaches us the art of acceptance. Emotional reactions to our circumstances are natural, but that doesn’t mean that we have to respond to these emotions. There’s no such thing as a “wrong” feeling. What may be “wrong,” or less effective, is how we choose to respond to the feeling.

The mindful skill of being non-judgmental teaches us that we can experience emotions without engaging in cycles of behavior that lead us to negative consequences. We can choose which thoughts and emotions we wish to respond to, and which just to sit quietly with, in “being mode.”

Being non-judgmental means seeing the world as it is, without judgments or assumptions. When we can do so, we have achieved Beginner’s Mind or Child’s Mind, which is the art of experiencing everything as if seeing it for the first time, without judgment.

One-mindful
Being “one mindful” simply means focusing on one thing at a time. Being one-mindful allows us to live in the present moment.

Emotional dysregulation often occurs because we tend to focus on all the emotionally overwhelming aspects of a situation while thinking we have to do something to fix it. Wanting to fix it is “Doing Mind.” Being one-mindful allows us to shift to “Being Mind” and just be with the emotion without having to do anything about it.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. If you focus on the thousand-mile journey you’ll become so emotionally overwhelmed you’ll never take the first step; but if you instead just focus on the step that’s in front of you, and then the next step, and then the next, you will eventually complete the entire journey.

The most effective way to do this is to first ask yourself, “What is the smallest thing I can do in this situation that will make a difference? Do that, and then if you have any energy left over you can focus on the next step, and so on, until the journey is completed.

When you learn to do this, you will have learned to be one-mindful.

Effective
This is probably the most important skill of mindful awareness because it teaches us to focus on solutions, not problems. We can talk about problems all day, but until we start talking about solutions, nothing will ever get solved. The way to solve a problem is to take positive, intentional steps towards finding a solution.

A mindful life is a life lived deliberately and effectively. It is a purposeful life. Being effective means solving problems in a purposeful, intentional manner. The way to be effective is to begin by asking two questions:

1. What is my intention in this situation?
2. Are my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors going to help me to achieve this intention?

When we live in mindful awareness, our thoughts, behaviors, and actions always support our intention. When we learn to do this, we have learned how to be effective.

One of the skills we develop in the practice of mindfulness is the skill of acceptance. Acceptance allows us to experience emotions without feeling obligated to react to them. This is done by noting the emotion, and then letting go of the negative thought processes that the emotion generates.

We can benefit from mindfulness by learning to accept the flood of emotions that blocks rational thought. The goal of acceptance isn’t to become a totally rational person, devoid of emotion. Instead, the goal is to practice Wise Mind.

Wise Mind is the balance of emotional mind and rational mind, in perfect harmony.

To illustrate this concept, let’s suppose that a destitute woman has been arrested for stealing a loaf of bread with which to feed her hungry children. If we approach this situation from Rational Mind, we are only using logic and reason. There is no emotional content to our approach to the situation in Rational Mind. In this situation, Rational Mind would say that she broke the law, and there are penalties for breaking the law, therefore she should be punished.

Wise Mind, on the other hand, would allow logic and reason to be tempered with emotion. In this case, Wise Mind would allow some sense of compassion for the mother and her plight. While the woman in this scenario may have broken the law, she did so because she had love for her children and did not wish to see them go hungry. Wise Mind would recognize this and allow for some leniency.

On the other hand, what does Emotional Mind look like?

I’m sure we all know of someone who is subject to wild mood swings. Such a person is ruled by emotions that often run out of control. Imagine that this person is cut off in traffic. They may become very angry and chase down the offender, horn blaring and lights flashing. Perhaps this person even tries to run the offender off of the road.

In such a case, this person is being ruled by Emotional Mind. If this person could learn to live in Wise Mind, then he would realize that while the person who had cut him off in traffic had done something dangerous, it may not have been intentional. It could be that this person was distracted. Even if the person had done it intentionally, there is no need to increase the danger to himself by provoking further confrontation in an episode of road rage.

In this case, Wise Mind would accept the fact that such events are inevitable on a busy highway. Emotional Mind would then be tempered with Rational Mind, achieving the balance that is the goal of Wise Mind.

According to Follette, et al (2006), “”Wise mind is understood as a balance (or dialectic) between emotion mind and reasonable mind, where both emotion and reason are considered before taking action in life.”
This concept is often illustrated as below, where Wise Mind is the overlapping area between Rational Mind and Emotional Mind:

In the clinical practice of Mindfulness, clients are taught the concepts of Rational Mind, Emotional Mind, and Wise Mind, and how to differentiate among these states.

Each state has its own usefulness; for example, Rational Mind might be good for solving math problems like balancing a checkbook, while Emotional Mind might be good for a romantic interlude. But there are also situations, such as those outlined above in which one mode of mind might not be as productive as another. In those cases, Rational Mind can be tempered with compassion from Emotional Mind, or Emotional Mind can be balanced with reason.

When using Mindfulness in clinical practice, it is helpful to teach clients the concepts of Rational Mind, Emotional Mind, and Wise Mind, then have them list examples of each in order to gain practice in differentiating among these states.

Follette, Victoria & Palm Reed, Kathleen & Pearson, Adria. (2006). Mindfulness and Trauma: Implications for Treatment. Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive-Behavior Therapy. 24. 45-61. 10.1007/s10942-006-0025-2.

One of the skills we develop in the practice of mindfulness is the skill of ‘acceptance.’ Acceptance allows us to experience emotions without feeling obligated to react to them. This is done by noting the emotion, and then letting go of the negative thought processes that the emotion generates.

We can benefit from Mindfulness by learning to accept the flood of emotions that blocks rational thought. The goal of acceptance isn’t to become a totally rational person, devoid of emotion. Instead, the goal is to practice ‘Wise Mind.’ Wise Mind is the balance of emotional mind and rational mind, in perfect harmony.
To illustrate this concept, let’s suppose that a woman has been arrested for stealing a loaf of bread with which to feed her children. If we approach this situation from Rational Mind, we are only using logic and reason. There is no emotional content to our approach to the situation in Rational Mind. In this situation, Rational Mind would say that she broke the law, and there are penalties for breaking the law, therefore she should be punished.

Wise Mind, on the other hand, would allow logic and reason to be tempered with emotion. In this case, Wise Mind would allow some sense of compassion for the mother and her plight. While the woman in this scenario may have broken the law, she did so because she had love for her children and did not wish to see them go hungry. Wise Mind would recognize this and allow for some leniency.

I’m sure we all know of someone who is subject to wild mood swings. Such a person is ruled by emotions that often run out of control. Imagine that such a person is cut off in traffic. This person becomes very angry and chases down the offender, horn blaring and lights flashing. Perhaps this person even tries to run the offender off of the road. In such a case, this person is being ruled by Emotional Mind. If this person could learn to live in Wise Mind, then he would realize that while the person who had cut him off in traffic had done something dangerous, it may not have been intentional. It could be that this person was distracted. Even if the person had done it intentionally, there is no need to increase the danger to himself by provoking further confrontation in an episode of road rage. In this case, Wise Mind would accept the fact that such events are inevitable on a busy highway. Emotional Mind would then be tempered with Rational Mind, achieving the balance that is the goal of Wise Mind.

According to Follette, et al (2006), “Wise mind is understood as a balance (or dialectic) between emotion mind and reasonable mind, where both emotion and reason are considered before taking action in life.”
This concept is often illustrated as below, where Wise Mind is the overlapping area between Rational Mind and Emotional Mind:

In the clinical practice of Mindfulness, clients are taught the concepts of Rational Mind, Emotional Mind, and Wise Mind, and how to differentiate among these states. Each state has its own usefulness; for example, Rational Mind might be good for solving math problems like balancing a checkbook, while Emotional Mind might be good for a romantic interlude. But there are also situations, such as those outlined above in which one mode of mind might not be as productive as another. When using Mindfulness in clinical practice, it is helpful to teach clients the concepts of Rational Mind, Emotional Mind, and Wise Mind, then have them list examples of each in order to gain practice in differentiating among these states.

Follette, V., Palm, K. M. & Pearson, A. N. (2006). Mindfulness and Trauma: Implications for Treatment. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, Vol. 24, No. 1, Spring 2006.

Linehan, M.M. (1993). Cognitive Behavioral Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder. New York : Guilford Press