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Mindful Communication Skills

mindful communication

To be mindful is to be present in the moment. Mindful listening means being present in the conversation, without assumptions or conclusions, and without trying to anticipate what your partner is going to say, or without ‘reading into’ the conversation (assuming things that weren’t really said).

Mindful listening is a practice that involves fully focusing your attention on the speaker and being present in the moment during a conversation. It goes beyond simply hearing the words spoken and involves a deep, non-judgmental awareness of the speaker’s words, tone, and body language. The goal of mindful listening is to understand the speaker’s message without immediately formulating your own response or judgment.

Mindful Listening

The list below covers 12 basic Mindful Listening Skills. Before beginning any mindful communication, first ask yourself two questions:

1. What am I trying to accomplish by having this conversation?

2. Is what I’m about to say going to accomplish this goal?

Once you have clarified your objectives with these questions, the Mindful Listening list below will help you to listen effectively.

The first step in being a good communicator is to be a good listener. Here are some Mindful Listening tips to help you improve your listening skills:

  1. Stop what you are doing and give your full attention to the person.
  2. Look at the other person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment with him/her, without thoughts about past problems or future worries.
  3. Be silent. Allow the other person to speak in their own way and in their own time. Don’t’ interrupt. Don’t anticipate what they’re going to say. If you’re thinking ahead to how you’re going to respond, or trying to figure out what they’re going to say next, you’re not paying attention. You’re not listening in the moment.
  4. Use phrases that encourage the other person to problem-solve. “What do you want to happen in this situation?” or “How can I help in this situation?” Don’t assume what they expect to happen. Let them tell you.
  5. Avoid the temptation of making the other person’s choices for them. Allow them to reach their own conclusions.
  6. Acknowledge that you are listening by reflecting back what you hear.
  7. Use open-ended questions that encourage the other person to keep talking. “Tell me more about that,” or “How did you feel when that happened,” or “Then what happened?”
  8. Pay attention to the other person’s non-verbal language. Does the other person look attentive? Is the other person happy, sad, afraid, anxious or confused?
  9. Listen for and name feelings you think you hear from the other person. Confirm that this is indeed what the other person is feeling by checking in with them: “Sounds like you were angry about that,” or “You seem to be really happy about that!”
  10. Don’t try to tell the other person what they’re feeling! Don’t deny, discourage, or minimize their feelings. Instead, model positive behaviors as an alternative to not-so-positive behaviors. Don’t tell them how they feel. Let them tell you!
  11. Remember that there is a difference between validating the feeling and validating the behavior! There is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ feeling; the behavior that follows the feeling is where the problem lies. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to abuse someone else when you’re angry. It is okay to talk about your anger with another person, preferably the person with whom you are angry.
  12. Explain your feelings, but don’t use defensive statements in an effort to rationalize or excuse your behavior. Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings, words and behavior, and allow the other person to do the same.

Practice these skill and you will be well on your way to being a better, more mindful listener.

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Mindful Communication

Mindful communication means being present in the moment for the conversation

Many of the difficulties in relationships occur due to miscommunication. But by learning to be assertive instead of aggressive, we can learn to communicate well in a mindful fashion.

Mindful communication means being present in the moment within the conversation, without making assumptions about the meaning or intent behind the other person’s communication.

To be mindful is to be present in the moment. To listen mindfully means to be present in the conversation, without assumptions or conclusions, and without trying to anticipate what your partner is going to say, or without “reading into” the conversation by assuming things that weren’t really said or intended.

Mindful communication takes place on many levels. Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, researches nonverbal communication. In his research he found that only 7% of any message is conveyed through words. Of the rest, about 38% of communication is accomplished through tone, inflection, and presentation, and about 55% of communication comes through our body language, gestures, and facial expressions.

This means that about 93% of all of our communication is non-verbal! To communicate mindfully is to be aware of these factors as well. When communicating with others, be aware of your body posture, your tone of voice, the volume of your voice, your facial expressions, and your inflection.

The 7Cs of family resilience lead to more positive, mindful, and solution-focused relationships.

In the next few weeks we’ll be talking about the first “C” of communication, and how to mindfully communicate.

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MBEO Board of Directors

The Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC has been providing continuing education in mindfulness and ecotherapy since 2007. During all of that time, students of Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy have continually expressed a desire for an organization that specifically caters to the educational needs of counselors and therapists who practice Mindful Ecotherapy.

With these needs in mind, the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC will be creating a new, more extensive certification in Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy. This new certification will train and certify counselors and therapists specifically in Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy. Ideally this new certification process would be overseen by a new MBEO Board of Directors.

This will be a more intensive certification process than the current one, including up-to-date training in the latest techniques, research, and education in Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy.

The Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC is now opening a dialog with interested parties who would like to serve on the MBE Certification Board or otherwise help in making this long-awaited vision a reality. If you would be interested in joining the discussion as we move forward, please visit the forum by clicking here.

MBEO Board of Directors Members Wanted

As we move forward with the two-year Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapist certification, we are currently seeking board members to help facilitate the process. If you are interested in serving on the board, please fill out the board member application below.

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Family Resilience Worksheet

7Cs of Family Resilience Worksheet

The Family Resilience Worksheet lists the 7Cs of Resilience and asks you to rate yourself and your family on each of these resilience factors.

This worksheet targets areas for improvement. Once these areas of improvement have been identified, you can concentrate on building your skills in areas where you need help.

The 7Cs of Family Resilience

The 7Cs of Mindful Ecotherapy are factors of family resilience. All families have problems from time to time. When families go through a crisis, some fall apart, while others manage to ride the storm out and come through the other side relatively intact. Research has shown that families who manage to handle a crisis effectively all have certain characteristics in common. These characteristics are called resiliency factors.

The 7Cs are these resiliency factors. This exercise is designed to help you to identify your own personal resiliency factors so you may assess your strengths and weaknesses. If you have a strength, you may be able to help others in the class who are weak in that particular area. If you have a weakness in one of these areas, you may be able to rely on family or friends for support and suggestions in helping you to build strengths in areas where you have difficulty.

7Cs of Family Resilience Worksheet

Each of the 7Cs of Family Resilience is listed below, along with a description of what each means. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 by circling the most appropriate number on the scales below, with ‘1’ representing ‘a definite weakness’ and ‘10’ representing ‘a definite strength.’

Compassion
“I am able to be compassionate with others and to act in compassionate ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Communication
“I am able to communicate my thoughts and feelings in effective ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Control
“I am able to control myself and I don’t try to control and manipulate others”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Choices
“I am consistently able to make positive choices that lead to positive consequences”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Consequences
“I am consistently able to get positive consequences for my choices and actions”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Consistency
“I am consistently able to regulate my emotions and moods without acting in emotionally aggressive ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Confidence
“I am confident in my ability to manage my moods and my emotional states”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Keep your answers to these questions handy, as we’ll be talking about them in the coming weeks.

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WEBINAR: Gender-Affirming Care Myths vs. Realities

gender-affirming care myths vs. realities
  • CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THIS COURSE
  • Target Audience: Mental Health Professionals
  • Live, Interactive Webinar Continuing Education Hours: 2 (Two)
  • Thursday, March 7, 2024 – 10 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. PST

Gender-Affirming Care Myths vs. Realities Course Description

Please note that course time above is Pacific Standard Time.

In gender-affirming care, a plethora of myths persist, often fueled by misinformation and societal misconceptions. One prevalent myth is that gender-affirming care is solely about medical interventions or surgeries, overshadowing the comprehensive and individualized nature of such care. In reality, gender-affirming care encompasses a broad spectrum of supportive measures, including mental health services, hormone therapies, and social transition support.

Another myth revolves around the assumption that only binary gender identities are valid, neglecting the diverse and nuanced experiences of individuals across the gender spectrum. The reality is that gender-affirming care recognizes and respects the identities of non-binary, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming individuals. Dispelling these myths is essential for fostering a more inclusive and informed understanding of gender-affirming care, ultimately promoting the well-being and dignity of individuals seeking these crucial services.

In this webinar we will examine some of the myths and realities of gender-affirming care using the World Professional Transgender Health (WPATH) Standards of Care Version 8.

Gender-Affirming Care Myths vs. Realities Course Objectives

After successfully completing this course the student will be able to:

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THIS COURSE

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Externalization: Experiencing the Person, not the Problem

One way to live a life of compassion is to see the person, not the problem. This is done through externalization. If we are able to take the viewpoint that the person is separate from the problem, then we are able to experience the person, and not the problem. Such a perception sees the person as separate from the problem. From such a perspective, I am not an “addict,” I am a person with a substance abuse problem. I am not an “angry person,” I am a person with an anger management problem.

If a friend or family member has cancer, do you say that they are a cancer? Or do you see the cancer as something separate, a problem that can be treated and possibly even cured? If I had such a person in my life, I might abhor the cancer and what it is doing to them, but I most certainly wouldn’t abhor the person.

When we are able to see things in this way, we are able to externalize the problem. Externalizing the problem is seeing it as separate from the individual. If I have an issue with emotional aggression, I’m not an emotionally aggressive person. I’m a person who may consciously choose to change my tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways. By externalizing this tendency in myself, I can come to see it as just a process of the brain, and not a part of my identity. If it’s just something my brain does from time to time, I can choose to avoid the temptation to act on it. If I refuse to feed it, it may eventually go away. Even if it doesn’t, I am still in control. I still have the choice not to act on it.

Likewise, if a friend or loved one has a tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways, by exercising my non-judgmental skill of compassion, I can see this tendency as separate from their identity as a person if I so choose. The less I react to their emotional aggression, the less effective their emotional aggression becomes. When they see that their attempts to manipulate me by acting in emotionally aggressive ways have failed, then there is no reward for the behavior, and therefore there is no need to continue with the behavior.

Even if they decide to be stubborn and persist in their attempts at manipulation after seeing that they no longer work, I can refuse to participate by refusing to react to their aggression.

When you are able to do this consistently, you will have learned to use the tool of externalization.

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Don’t Lose Your Marbles!

bag of marbles exercise don't lose your marble

A fun way to practice mindfulness is the “Don’t Lose Your Marbles” exercise.
The purpose of this exercise is to become aware of how many times throughout the day we have negative thoughts about ourselves and our families. As we become aware of that pattern of negative thoughts, we can replace them with positive, more compassionate thoughts. Those positive thoughts lead to more positive expectations of ourselves and our families.

Don’t Lose Your Marbles Exercise

Here’s how it works:

  • Go to the toy store and buy a bag of marbles.
  • Put the marbles in your pocket or purse so that you have them with you all day.
  • Every time you catch yourself having a negative thought, take a marble out of the bag and put it in your pocket or purse, or just set it aside somewhere where it won’t get lost.
  • Every time you catch yourself having a positive thought, put a marble back into the bag.
  • At the end of the day, if your bag is empty, you’ve ‘lost all your marbles.’
  • To get the marbles back into the bag, you have to say one positive thing about yourself or your family for each marble you return to the bag. Don’t go to bed at night until all the marbles are back in the bag!
    The marbles are a physical representation of our inner thought processes. Use this exercise to help change negative self-talk habits by giving yourself a physical reminder of how often during the day you have negative thoughts.
  • Over time you can change your thought habits. The first step is recognizing that they’re there. This exercise will help you make that connection.
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The Pygmalion Effect

the Pygmalion effect

In the Greek myth of Pygmalion, an artist falls in love with a statue he has created. The great sculptor Pygmalion creates his ideal woman in marble. The statue is so beautiful that he falls in love with her. In the myth, his love for the statue is so powerful that the statue springs to life and becomes a real woman.

In psychology there is a concept based upon this myth. This idea is known as the Pygmalion Effect. The Pygmalion Effect states that people have a tendency to become what you believe them to be based on how you treat them. If you expect good behavior from your friends and loved ones, then that is usually what you get. On the other hand, imagine a family member who is basically a ‘good’ person who wants to please his loved ones. Yet every time this person interacts with his family members, they greet him with suspicion, always expecting the worst from him. How long do you think it would take for this person to live up to their ‘bad’ expectations?

American school teacher Jane Elliot did a famous experiment that perfectly illustrates the power of the Pygmalion Effect. During the racial tensions of the 1960s, this teacher created the Blue Eyes/Brown Eyes Experiment.

The first day of the experiment, she told her class that “blue-eyed people are superior to brown-eyed people.” She spent the day praising the blue-eyed students, while condemning the brown-eyed students. She gave the blue-eyed students privileges that the brown-eyed students didn’t get, and punished the brown-eyed students more severely than the blue-eyed students for behavioral infractions.

On the second day of the experiment, she reversed the roles, with the brown-eyed students receiving extra privileges while the blue-eyed students received more severe criticism and punishments.

As a result of the experiment, the ‘superior’ students had better behavior, better interactions, and better grades. The ‘inferior’ students had just the opposite results. In just a single day, the students had lived up (or down) to her expectations of them.

The way to harness the power of the Pygmalion Effect in your life is to always remember to be compassionate with your friends and loved ones. Let them know you love them with every word and deed.

One way to do this is to eliminate judgment from your style of interacting with others. By consciously choosing to be compassionate with them, you allow the Pygmalion Effect to work its magic. If you judge your loved ones to be unsuccessful, then your expectations will be to have an unsuccessful loved one. When you are expecting an unsuccessful partner, you tend to ignore the times when your partner does succeed, and to focus only on the times when your partner does not. By your assumptions, you have set your perception filter to only notice the times when your partner does not succeed.

If you change your assumptions to more positive outcomes, you will re-set your perception filter and thereby create a different reality in your life and in the lives of your loved ones.

People are very good at picking up on your expectations. Others tend to fulfill our expectations of them, no matter whether those expectations are positive or negative. If you have only positive expectations for your friends and family, free of judgment, your loved ones will tend to rise to the occasion and fulfill those expectations. And of course if you have only negative assumptions and expectations about your friends and family, they tend to live up to those expectations as well.

Sometimes we may think we are holding positive expectations for our loved ones, but our words and actions may convey a different message. For example, suppose you have a son named Adam. You want Adam to clean his room. This is a positive expectation because it is a positive behavior that you wish to encourage. Now take a look at the two statements below, and see which one would convey the more positive expectation, in your opinion:

Statement A:
“Adam, I can’t believe you didn’t clean your room again! This is the third time this week! I just don’t know what I’m going to do with you!”

Statement B:
“Adam, I noticed you didn’t clean your room again today. I know you didn’t mean to forget. I’m sure you’ll get around to it before the day is over. Remember, if you need help, you can always ask me.”

Which statement do you think conveys a more positive expectation? Which one would you be more likely to respond to if you were Adam?

By consciously choosing to re-frame our responses, we are able to expect the best from our loved ones and our friends. When we do so, we can harvest the power of the Pygmalion Effect.

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Living in True Self

The humanist psychotherapist Carl Rogers spoke of the ideas of Self-Image and Ideal Self. This Self-Image, sometimes referred to as the Perceived Self, is the way we perceive ourselves to be. The Ideal Self is the image we have of how we would like to be. Living in True Self means consciously choosing to be your Ideal Self as much as possible.

True Self is this Ideal Self. It is who we would choose to be if we were living up to our own highest expectations of ourselves. The ultimate goal of Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy is to be able to live fully in True Self.

It would help to have an outline of what this True Self looks like for you. As the saying goes, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Identifying what your own True Self looks like is the first step in creating a road map to get there.

To create this outline of your own True Self, answer the questions below. Your answers are creating an autobiography of how you’d like to be. This autobiography is the substance of your True Self. It may help to write your answers down for future reference.

  • What do you care about?
  • What gives your life passion and meaning?
  • How is emotional aggression related to the things you care about?
  • What are you trying to accomplish by acting in emotionally aggressive ways?
  • Could emotional aggression cause you to lose the things you care about? How?
  • What are some positive alternatives to acting in emotionally aggressive ways? Be specific.
  • How would these different ways of believing and behaving create a more compassionate and positive reality in your life?
  • Suppose you could change yourself so that you never again had to act in emotionally aggressive ways. What would be different about you?

Save your answers to these questions for future reference, as we’ll be talking about your True Self ‘road map’ again in future posts.

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Creating a Positive Reality

creating a positive reality focus on the donut not the hole

“Focus on the doughnut, not the hole!”


-Dr. Garry Landreth

The way to be compassionate every day is to create a positive reality around you. Instead of focusing on the ‘hole’ of what you don’t have, focus on the ‘doughnut’ of what you do have. One way to do this is to create a positive ruminating cycle by identifying a trigger to a negative ruminating cycle and reframing it into a positive.

Think about the last time you acted in an emotionally aggressive way with a loved one. What assumptions did you make about their intentions? What assumptions did you make about your own intentions? How did those assumptions set your perception filter so that you believed that emotional aggression would fix things? What reality did you actually create by acting on those assumptions and perceptions? What alternate assumptions could you have made that might have led to a different outcome?

The way to create positive, compassionate outcomes in our lives is to deliberately choose to focus our intention on the positives. This is accomplished by asking ourselves two questions to establish our intention before acting. The two questions are:

  1. What am I trying to accomplish?
  2. Will my actions and behaviors achieve what I’m trying to accomplish?

These questions may appear obvious at first, but they are not as obvious as they seem. For example, if it is my intention to have a happy marriage, yet by my actions and behaviors I am constantly criticizing my spouse, are my actions and behaviors actually achieving my intention? Will my actions accomplish my goal?

By first asking myself, “What is my intention?” before acting, I can avoid the temptation to do or say things that are contrary to my desired outcome. If your intention is to be compassionate with your loved ones, make your actions fit your intentions!

Even if you are angry in the moment, it is still possible to choose a positive outcome. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to be compassionate in the moment, you can at least choose to do and say things that won’t actually harm the relationship. Imagine that if we could get everyone in the world to agree that if they couldn’t act out of compassion, they would at least do no harm. If we could simply agree that everyone in the world would choose not to act in a way that harmed others, we’d eliminate wars. We’d eliminate hatred and acts of violence. We could transform the planet!

So if you find yourself in a situation in which it is impossible to muster compassion, promise yourself that you will at least make the effort to avoid harming others. When you are able to do so, you will be able to create more positive realities in your life.