Category: Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy

Posted on by

Validating vs. Condoning

Validating vs. Condoning Young Woman Old Woman Optical Illusion

One of the skills of mindful communication is Validating vs. Condoning.

Look at the picture above and describe what you see.

Did you see an old lady, or a young lady? If you saw both, which did you see first?

Now assume your partner saw the old lady in the picture, and you saw the young lady. Which of you would be ‘right’ and which of you would be ‘wrong’?

Obviously, neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ You’re both just looking at the same picture and coming to different conclusions. Suppose you can readily see the old lady, but have a hard time seeing the young lady. Further suppose your partner can readily see the young lady, but has a hard time seeing he old lady. Even though you’re not seeing the same thing your partner sees, would you be able to readily agree that your partner sees it?

Validation works in this way. You can validate your partner’s way of seeing the picture without having to agree with what your partner is seeing. Now let’s apply this to the concept of feelings.

Validating vs. Condoning…What’s the Difference?

How many times have you told yourself not to feel angry, or to cheer up, or to “snap out” of a depression?

How successful were you at changing your feelings? We’re sometimes conditioned to believe that certain feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ while other feelings are okay. But the truth is that there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ feeling. Feelings are feelings. They exist. You cannot help the way you feel about a thing or a situation.

Often when we tell ourselves or others to “snap out of it” or to try to repress certain feelings, what we really mean is to repress certain behaviors. While there are no wrong or problematic feelings, the behavior that comes after the feeling may cause problems. For example, simply feeling anger is perfectly okay. Just being with the anger in the moment is entirely different than feeling anger and then acting upon it in negative and destructive ways.

Validating vs. Condoning: Understanding doesn’t Mean Allowing

If you or your partner is feeling angry, that’s okay. But if you or your partner choose to act on that anger by saying or doing hurtful things, that’s not okay. Both you and your partner have a right to feel what you feel. You just don’t have the right to act on those feelings in negative or destructive ways…especially when others are involved.

If your partner is experiencing negative emotions like anger, sadness, or depression, you can validate their feelings without having to understand and agree with those feelings. You can do this by saying things like, “I understand you’re mad right now. I may not understand why you’re mad right now, but I respect your right to be entitled to your own feelings.”

Notice that this does not mean that you have to validate, condone, or even tolerate bad or negative behaviors. You are simply validating the feelings, and not necessarily the behaviors that come after the feelings.

You and your partner can choose when and how to respond to those feelings and act upon them. You may also choose not to act upon them at all, but to simply acknowledge their presence and sit with them quietly, knowing that they will eventually subside.

When you learn to do this you will be able to validate each other’s feelings without condoning any emotional aggression those feelings might generate.

Posted on by

Internal Validation vs. External Validation

Internal vs. external validation emotional aggression

`“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”`

-Richard Bach, author

Internal Validation is the art of validating ourselves. We all like to be validated. It’s why we have relationships in the first place. We enter relationships so that others can support us emotionally. This can become a problem if we come to expect that others are responsible for validating us. Emotional aggression happens when we try to force others to validate us.

While others can choose to validate us by acting in emotionally supportive ways, we can also choose to validate ourselves. If others are validating us, then that validation is external because it is coming from someone besides ourselves. If, however, we are able to meet our own emotional needs, we are internally validated. It’s nice to have both, but there may be times when others cannot satisfy our emotional needs. In those times, it helps to be able to meet those needs ourselves.

The only healthy way to be emotionally validated by others is when others are willingly granting us such validation and support. If we attempt to force such support from others, we are acting from emotional aggression.

If we engage in fault-finding in an attempt to seek validation, we are projecting blame. Projecting blame is emotional aggression, because we are abdicating responsibility for our own emotional validation by attempting to blame, shame, or guilt others into emotionally supporting us against their will.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a guilt-trip, you know that it is not a pleasant experience. If you’ve ever been the victim of a guilt-trip, ask yourself, “Is trying to make me feel guilty more likely or less likely to make me emotionally validate you?”

Now turn that around and put the shoe on the other foot. If you’re projecting blame onto your partner by trying to shame them or guilt them into doing what you want, do you think that such behavior is more likely or less likely to get the results you want?

If others are not meeting your emotional needs, and you are seeking external validation by behaving in emotionally aggressive ways in an attempt to get them to submit to your desires, do you really think you’re going to get the results you want? If the other person was doing it to you, would you be willing to respond in the way that they wanted?

Internal Validation is Loving Yourself

One way to avoid the tendency to engage in emotional aggression is to learn the art of internal validation. To be internally validated is to accept responsibility for your own emotional needs. The way to do this is to learn to love yourself.

Sometimes we get caught up in the idea that loving ourselves is somehow selfish or egotistical. But think about that for a moment. If you don’t love yourself, is it really fair of you to expect anybody else to love you? Not only that, but if you don’t love yourself, and you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you, eventually you might find yourself thinking along these lines, either consciously or unconsciously:

“I don’t really love myself, yet this person loves me. If I don’t love myself, yet this person says they love me, then there must be something wrong with him/her! How could a ‘normal’ person love someone like me, when I can’t even love me?”

If you don’t really love yourself, then you can’t really expect others how to love you in the way you’d like to be loved.

To learn to love yourself, first ask yourself, “Who am I, really?” Be as honest as possible when answering this question. In future weeks there will be an exercise to recognize some self-defeating beliefs and replace them with self-affirming beliefs.

For now, think about ways you can learn to love yourself and be happy in your own skin. It might help to talk these things over with your partner or with a friend or family member. A good way to start is to find out what others like about you.

If you feel uncomfortable asking others what they like about you, you could get the ball rolling by making a list of things you like about others, and sharing it with them. I’m willing to bet that they’d be likely to return the favor.

The more you are willing to do so, the more you’ll be able to self-validate as well.

Posted on by

Mindful Communication Skills

mindful communication

To be mindful is to be present in the moment. Mindful listening means being present in the conversation, without assumptions or conclusions, and without trying to anticipate what your partner is going to say, or without ‘reading into’ the conversation (assuming things that weren’t really said).

Mindful listening is a practice that involves fully focusing your attention on the speaker and being present in the moment during a conversation. It goes beyond simply hearing the words spoken and involves a deep, non-judgmental awareness of the speaker’s words, tone, and body language. The goal of mindful listening is to understand the speaker’s message without immediately formulating your own response or judgment.

Mindful Listening

The list below covers 12 basic Mindful Listening Skills. Before beginning any mindful communication, first ask yourself two questions:

1. What am I trying to accomplish by having this conversation?

2. Is what I’m about to say going to accomplish this goal?

Once you have clarified your objectives with these questions, the Mindful Listening list below will help you to listen effectively.

The first step in being a good communicator is to be a good listener. Here are some Mindful Listening tips to help you improve your listening skills:

  1. Stop what you are doing and give your full attention to the person.
  2. Look at the other person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment with him/her, without thoughts about past problems or future worries.
  3. Be silent. Allow the other person to speak in their own way and in their own time. Don’t’ interrupt. Don’t anticipate what they’re going to say. If you’re thinking ahead to how you’re going to respond, or trying to figure out what they’re going to say next, you’re not paying attention. You’re not listening in the moment.
  4. Use phrases that encourage the other person to problem-solve. “What do you want to happen in this situation?” or “How can I help in this situation?” Don’t assume what they expect to happen. Let them tell you.
  5. Avoid the temptation of making the other person’s choices for them. Allow them to reach their own conclusions.
  6. Acknowledge that you are listening by reflecting back what you hear.
  7. Use open-ended questions that encourage the other person to keep talking. “Tell me more about that,” or “How did you feel when that happened,” or “Then what happened?”
  8. Pay attention to the other person’s non-verbal language. Does the other person look attentive? Is the other person happy, sad, afraid, anxious or confused?
  9. Listen for and name feelings you think you hear from the other person. Confirm that this is indeed what the other person is feeling by checking in with them: “Sounds like you were angry about that,” or “You seem to be really happy about that!”
  10. Don’t try to tell the other person what they’re feeling! Don’t deny, discourage, or minimize their feelings. Instead, model positive behaviors as an alternative to not-so-positive behaviors. Don’t tell them how they feel. Let them tell you!
  11. Remember that there is a difference between validating the feeling and validating the behavior! There is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ feeling; the behavior that follows the feeling is where the problem lies. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to abuse someone else when you’re angry. It is okay to talk about your anger with another person, preferably the person with whom you are angry.
  12. Explain your feelings, but don’t use defensive statements in an effort to rationalize or excuse your behavior. Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings, words and behavior, and allow the other person to do the same.

Practice these skill and you will be well on your way to being a better, more mindful listener.

Posted on by

Mindful Communication

Mindful communication means being present in the moment for the conversation

Many of the difficulties in relationships occur due to miscommunication. But by learning to be assertive instead of aggressive, we can learn to communicate well in a mindful fashion.

Mindful communication means being present in the moment within the conversation, without making assumptions about the meaning or intent behind the other person’s communication.

To be mindful is to be present in the moment. To listen mindfully means to be present in the conversation, without assumptions or conclusions, and without trying to anticipate what your partner is going to say, or without “reading into” the conversation by assuming things that weren’t really said or intended.

Mindful communication takes place on many levels. Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, researches nonverbal communication. In his research he found that only 7% of any message is conveyed through words. Of the rest, about 38% of communication is accomplished through tone, inflection, and presentation, and about 55% of communication comes through our body language, gestures, and facial expressions.

This means that about 93% of all of our communication is non-verbal! To communicate mindfully is to be aware of these factors as well. When communicating with others, be aware of your body posture, your tone of voice, the volume of your voice, your facial expressions, and your inflection.

The 7Cs of family resilience lead to more positive, mindful, and solution-focused relationships.

In the next few weeks we’ll be talking about the first “C” of communication, and how to mindfully communicate.

Posted on by

Family Resilience Worksheet

7Cs of Family Resilience Worksheet

The Family Resilience Worksheet lists the 7Cs of Resilience and asks you to rate yourself and your family on each of these resilience factors.

This worksheet targets areas for improvement. Once these areas of improvement have been identified, you can concentrate on building your skills in areas where you need help.

The 7Cs of Family Resilience

The 7Cs of Mindful Ecotherapy are factors of family resilience. All families have problems from time to time. When families go through a crisis, some fall apart, while others manage to ride the storm out and come through the other side relatively intact. Research has shown that families who manage to handle a crisis effectively all have certain characteristics in common. These characteristics are called resiliency factors.

The 7Cs are these resiliency factors. This exercise is designed to help you to identify your own personal resiliency factors so you may assess your strengths and weaknesses. If you have a strength, you may be able to help others in the class who are weak in that particular area. If you have a weakness in one of these areas, you may be able to rely on family or friends for support and suggestions in helping you to build strengths in areas where you have difficulty.

7Cs of Family Resilience Worksheet

Each of the 7Cs of Family Resilience is listed below, along with a description of what each means. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 by circling the most appropriate number on the scales below, with ‘1’ representing ‘a definite weakness’ and ‘10’ representing ‘a definite strength.’

Compassion
“I am able to be compassionate with others and to act in compassionate ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Communication
“I am able to communicate my thoughts and feelings in effective ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Control
“I am able to control myself and I don’t try to control and manipulate others”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Choices
“I am consistently able to make positive choices that lead to positive consequences”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Consequences
“I am consistently able to get positive consequences for my choices and actions”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Consistency
“I am consistently able to regulate my emotions and moods without acting in emotionally aggressive ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Confidence
“I am confident in my ability to manage my moods and my emotional states”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Keep your answers to these questions handy, as we’ll be talking about them in the coming weeks.

Posted on by

Externalization: Experiencing the Person, not the Problem

One way to live a life of compassion is to see the person, not the problem. This is done through externalization. If we are able to take the viewpoint that the person is separate from the problem, then we are able to experience the person, and not the problem. Such a perception sees the person as separate from the problem. From such a perspective, I am not an “addict,” I am a person with a substance abuse problem. I am not an “angry person,” I am a person with an anger management problem.

If a friend or family member has cancer, do you say that they are a cancer? Or do you see the cancer as something separate, a problem that can be treated and possibly even cured? If I had such a person in my life, I might abhor the cancer and what it is doing to them, but I most certainly wouldn’t abhor the person.

When we are able to see things in this way, we are able to externalize the problem. Externalizing the problem is seeing it as separate from the individual. If I have an issue with emotional aggression, I’m not an emotionally aggressive person. I’m a person who may consciously choose to change my tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways. By externalizing this tendency in myself, I can come to see it as just a process of the brain, and not a part of my identity. If it’s just something my brain does from time to time, I can choose to avoid the temptation to act on it. If I refuse to feed it, it may eventually go away. Even if it doesn’t, I am still in control. I still have the choice not to act on it.

Likewise, if a friend or loved one has a tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways, by exercising my non-judgmental skill of compassion, I can see this tendency as separate from their identity as a person if I so choose. The less I react to their emotional aggression, the less effective their emotional aggression becomes. When they see that their attempts to manipulate me by acting in emotionally aggressive ways have failed, then there is no reward for the behavior, and therefore there is no need to continue with the behavior.

Even if they decide to be stubborn and persist in their attempts at manipulation after seeing that they no longer work, I can refuse to participate by refusing to react to their aggression.

When you are able to do this consistently, you will have learned to use the tool of externalization.

Posted on by

Don’t Lose Your Marbles!

bag of marbles exercise don't lose your marble

A fun way to practice mindfulness is the “Don’t Lose Your Marbles” exercise.
The purpose of this exercise is to become aware of how many times throughout the day we have negative thoughts about ourselves and our families. As we become aware of that pattern of negative thoughts, we can replace them with positive, more compassionate thoughts. Those positive thoughts lead to more positive expectations of ourselves and our families.

Don’t Lose Your Marbles Exercise

Here’s how it works:

  • Go to the toy store and buy a bag of marbles.
  • Put the marbles in your pocket or purse so that you have them with you all day.
  • Every time you catch yourself having a negative thought, take a marble out of the bag and put it in your pocket or purse, or just set it aside somewhere where it won’t get lost.
  • Every time you catch yourself having a positive thought, put a marble back into the bag.
  • At the end of the day, if your bag is empty, you’ve ‘lost all your marbles.’
  • To get the marbles back into the bag, you have to say one positive thing about yourself or your family for each marble you return to the bag. Don’t go to bed at night until all the marbles are back in the bag!
    The marbles are a physical representation of our inner thought processes. Use this exercise to help change negative self-talk habits by giving yourself a physical reminder of how often during the day you have negative thoughts.
  • Over time you can change your thought habits. The first step is recognizing that they’re there. This exercise will help you make that connection.
Posted on by

Living in True Self

The humanist psychotherapist Carl Rogers spoke of the ideas of Self-Image and Ideal Self. This Self-Image, sometimes referred to as the Perceived Self, is the way we perceive ourselves to be. The Ideal Self is the image we have of how we would like to be. Living in True Self means consciously choosing to be your Ideal Self as much as possible.

True Self is this Ideal Self. It is who we would choose to be if we were living up to our own highest expectations of ourselves. The ultimate goal of Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy is to be able to live fully in True Self.

It would help to have an outline of what this True Self looks like for you. As the saying goes, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Identifying what your own True Self looks like is the first step in creating a road map to get there.

To create this outline of your own True Self, answer the questions below. Your answers are creating an autobiography of how you’d like to be. This autobiography is the substance of your True Self. It may help to write your answers down for future reference.

  • What do you care about?
  • What gives your life passion and meaning?
  • How is emotional aggression related to the things you care about?
  • What are you trying to accomplish by acting in emotionally aggressive ways?
  • Could emotional aggression cause you to lose the things you care about? How?
  • What are some positive alternatives to acting in emotionally aggressive ways? Be specific.
  • How would these different ways of believing and behaving create a more compassionate and positive reality in your life?
  • Suppose you could change yourself so that you never again had to act in emotionally aggressive ways. What would be different about you?

Save your answers to these questions for future reference, as we’ll be talking about your True Self ‘road map’ again in future posts.

Posted on by

WEBINAR: Mindful Ecotherapy for Anxiety

WEBINAR: Ethics and Ecotherapy WebinarThis is a LIVE WEBINAR that will be presented on November 9, 2023 at 10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THIS WEBINAR

  • Target Audience: Mental Health Professionals
  • LIVE Interactive Continuing Education Hours: 3 (Three)

Ecopsychology is the study of how the natural world impacts mental well-being. Ecotherapy is the therapeutic application of this knowledge. Mindfulness means being present in the moment. Natural environments may be utilized to facilitate mindful states, and mindfulness is a useful tool in ameliorating anxiety.

This experiential course will introduce you to some of the basic skills, techniques and research in the field.

Nature has the power to calm and to heal. In this webinar course we will be studying the following:

What is Ecotherapy? What ecotherapy is and why is it important? This section will review some of the basics of the field.

What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness is a well-established aid in overcoming stress and anxiety. Natural environments facilitate mindfulness. This course will look at some of the tools and techniques of mindful awareness.

Nature-Based Mindfulness This course examines some ways that nature can be used to facilitate mindful states.

Kaplan’s Attention Restoration Theory (ART) Anxiety is exhausting. Kaplan’s Attention  Restoration Theory (ART) offers a theoretical framework for how nature helps to restore positive levels of attention. This course looks at ART and how it relates to mindfulness and ecotherapy.

Anxiety and Ecotherapy This course reviews some current research on using ecotherapy for the treatment of anxiety

Ecotherapeutic Techniques for the Treatment of Anxiety In this course we will discuss some therapeutic techniques that have been demonstrated to be effective in the treatment of anxiety. This course includes a bonus Body Scan Meditation audio file that may be used with your clients when practicing ecotherapy.

Course Objectives

Upon successful completion of this course, the student will be able to Define and describe ecotherapy Define and describe mindfulness Define and describe nature-based mindfulness Discuss how mindful ecotherapy may be used for the treatment of anxiety Define and describe several ecotherapeutic interventions, including 1. Mindfulness in nature 2. Forest bathing 3. Nature walks 4. Eco-Art Therapy
This is a LIVE WEBINAR that will be presented on November 9, 2023 at 10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time.

Instructor Qualifications and Contact Information

This course was created by Charlton Hall, MMFT, PhD. Charlton Hall, MMFT, PhD is a former Marriage and Family Therapy Supervisor and a former Registered Play Therapy Supervisor (now retired from both those roles). In 2008 he was awarded a two-year post-graduate fellowship through the Westgate Training and Consultation Network to study mindfulness and ecotherapy. His chosen specialty demographic at that time was Borderline Personality Disorder. Dr. Hall has been providing training seminars on mindfulness and ecotherapy since 2007 when he founded what would become the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC, and has been an advocate for education in ecotherapy and mindfulness throughout his professional career, serving on the South Carolina Association for Marriage and Family Therapy’s Board of Directors as Chair of Continuing Education from 2012 to 2014. He served as the Chair of Behavioral Health for ReGenesis Health Care from 2014 to 2016 and trained all the medical staff in suicide risk assessment and prevention during his employment at that agency. Dr. Hall is also a trained SMART Recovery Facilitator and served as a Volunteer Advisor in South Carolina for several years. Dr. Hall’s area of research and interest is using Mindfulness and Ecotherapy to facilitate acceptance and change strategies within a family systemic framework, and he has presented research at several conferences and seminars on this and other topics. Click here for instructor contact information Click here to see a biography and summary of credentials for the Instructor

DISCLAIMER

The Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7022. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. The Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs. All course materials for this online home study continuing education course are evidence-based, with clearly defined learning objectives, references and citations, and post-course evaluations. Upon request a copy of this information and a course description containing objectives, course description, references and citations will be given to you for your local licensing board. All of our courses and webinars contain course objectives, references, and citations as a part of the course materials; however, it is your responsibility to check with your local licensure board for suitability for continuing education credit. No warranty is expressed or implied as to approval or suitability for continuing education credit regarding jurisdictions outside of the United States or its territories. If a participant or potential participant would like to express a concern about his/her experience with the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, NBCC ACEP #7022, he/she may call or e-mail at (864) 384-2388 or chuck@mindfulecotherapy.com. Emails generally get faster responses. You may also use the contact form below. Although we do not guarantee a particular outcome, the individual can expect us to consider the complaint, make any necessary decisions and respond within 24 to 48 hours.

Privacy Policy | Terms and Conditions | Refund and Return Policy

Be informed when new courses are added –

subscribe to the Mindful Ecotherapy Center’s monthly newsletter.

Contact MEC | Help with Courses | My Account | Student Forum

Posted on by

Coming Soon…LIVE Continuing Education Webinars!

As of September 20, 2023, The Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC has been approved by the National Board for Certified Counselors as a LIVE continuing education provider. This is in addition to our approval in May of 2020 as an Approved Continuing Education Provider (ACEP #7022) for online home study continuing education.

This means that in addition to our online home study programs, we will soon be offering live, interactive webinars!

Look for the first of these later this year.

We are also looking into the possibility of holding face-to-face seminars in and around the Pacific Northwest region. If you would like to schedule one for your organization, please contact us.

In late 2024 and early 2025 we will be adding an interactive component to the Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy Certification Program as well. These changes will be announced in our newsletter as they occur.