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Mindful Confidence

mindful confidence

“If you think you can, or if you think you can’t, you’re right.”

–Henry Ford

Mindful confidence is the art of living in True Self. If you know who you are and what you want to be, then you are living in True Self. Being centered in True Self is, by definition, mindful confidence.

An important characteristic of living in True Self is the ability to be non-judgmental with yourself and with others. Being non-judgmental means that you have realized that you are human, and that you’re going to occasionally make mistakes. Realizing that others are human as well, allows you to forgive and forget, and to start over. This ability to pick yourself, dust yourself off, and begin again is the essence of confidence.

We previously discussed the idea of implicit memories, and how narrative memories integrate all of our implicit memories together in the story of our lives, like fitting together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. If those pieces fit together, we are able to make sense of our lives, and it is easy to avoid the temptation to engage in emotional aggression.

If, on the other hand, things happen to us that cause our implicit memories not to match up with our narrative, chaos is the result. Emotional aggression occurs when we feel our lives to be chaotic and out-of-control.

Another cause of emotional aggression is insisting on too much order in our lives. When this occurs, we tend to make too many rules for ourselves and for others, and the result is a rigid, inflexible life.

Having too much chaos in life is a problem. So is having too much order in life. The middle ground then would be to find a balance between chaos and order in our lives. Finding such a balance would give us the ability to live in Wise Mind. When we are able to live in Wise Mind, we are living in True Self, and when we are living in True Self, we are living life with confidence.

Mindful Confidence, Chaos and Order

Emotional aggression can occur on either end of this spectrum between chaos and order. The chief cause of chaos in life is overwhelming emotional responses to life’s circumstances. Chaos corresponds to Emotional Mind. When a crisis occurs, there is a natural tendency to respond out of the emotional side of our minds. It’s perfectly okay to have such chaotic emotional feelings. It is possible to have strong emotional reactions without letting them create chaos in our lives.

The way to do this is to understand that when strong feelings hit, we can choose to leave Doing Mode, avoid the temptation to try to ‘fix’ things, and move to Being Mode. In Being Mode we can sit quietly with the emotion until it dissipates, or until we are calm enough to make a rational decision instead of reacting purely out of emotion.

At the other end of the spectrum is the need for order. Order corresponds to the Rational Mind. At the extreme end of the Order portion of the spectrum, the rules for living have become rigid, inflexible, maladaptive, and unstable. At this other extreme end of the spectrum we are back into the Perfection Triad, in which we are making rules that insist on perfection from ourselves and from others in an attempt to shun personal responsibility for our emotional states.

Wise Mind is the middle path between these two extremes. It bridges the gap between Emotional Mind and Rational Mind, and between chaos and order. Wise Mind is the ability to be adaptable when we encounter too much chaos, and the ability to be flexible when we encounter too much order.

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Stick FAST to Your CORE

Substack Stick FAST to Your CORE living in the now

Stick FAST to your CORE is a way to set boundaries and to be aware of your own True Self. This awareness allows you to make decisions about compromise issues vs. core issues. A core issue is one in which, if you compromised on it, you’d have to give up a bit of who you are. A core issue has been violated if you are asked to compromise on an issue that crosses your personal boundaries.

Another way to look at core issues is to see them as issues regarding your own True Self. The True Self could be seen as the sum total of all your core values and beliefs. If you are able to consistently live in a way that honors your core values, you are living in True Self.

The worksheet below will give you the skills to find your core values. Once you have listed them, you can refer to the worksheet as needed in order to help you to live consistently in True Self.

Stick FAST to Your CORE

Stick FAST to Your CORE – Acronyms

The acronym below will help you to determine your CORE values. After reading over these CORE skills, go on to complete the Finding your CORE Worksheet.

CORE is:

Connection

Connection means finding ways to connect to others and to yourself by choosing to remain positive and engaged

Openness

Openness means remaining open to hearing what others are saying, and remaining open to what your own inner voice is telling you

Reflective

To be reflective is to use the skills of observing and describing to examine your own inner emotional states

Empathy

To be empathetic is to express sincere concern for the feelings of others and yourself

FAST is:

Flexible

In what ways might being Flexible help you to maintain your CORE values and beliefs?

Adaptable

In what ways might being Adaptable help you to maintain your CORE values and beliefs?

Stable

In what ways might being Stable help you to maintain your CORE values and beliefs?

Truthful

In what ways might being Truthful help you to maintain your CORE values and beliefs?
 

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Consistency & Happiness

Consistency and happiness

Consistency is nothing more or less than learning the art of being happy. Unfortunately, society has conditioned us to believe that happiness comes from something outside of ourselves: The right house, or the right car, or the right clothes, or the right spouse, or the right job. But what if happiness came from somewhere else?

What if we could learn to create our own happiness from within ourselves? If happiness comes from the things we own, or from other people, or from our life circumstances, then it can be taken away. But if happiness comes from within, nobody can ever take it away from us unless we choose to let them.

Happiness is a choice, not a thing. Happiness is a decision, not a destination. It is internally driven. It is not something that happens to us. It is something we make happen. We make happiness happen by looking at every situation in our lives and finding something good in it.

Remember Tom Sawyer and the picket fence? He eventually chose to see painting the fence as a fun adventure instead of a chore. We can turn most of the chores in our lives into happy experiences merely by changing the way we think about these events, because we’re in control of our own emotional states.
The way to choose to be happy, no matter what the circumstances, is to turn within instead of looking without. True happiness is internally motivated and not externally motivated. This means that opportunities for happiness come from deep within ourselves and not from the events that happen in our lives.

A secondary emotion is the ‘feeling after the feeling,’ in that it is the emotional reaction we have to our feelings. For example, if I am feeling sad, and I then respond to this sadness by feeling guilty for feeling sad, the sadness is the primary emotion and the guilt is the secondary emotion.

What if, instead of responding to the sadness with guilt, I consciously chose to respond to it with happiness? This may sound difficult, but with practice it is possible. The more we practice this skill, the easier it gets.

It helps to remember that happiness doesn’t come from our circumstances. It comes from within us. The more we practice changing our secondary emotions by choosing to focus on happiness, the more consistent we will become in managing our moods.

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Memories: Making the Pieces Fit

memories

There are many types of memory. Let’s talk about two of them: Implicit Memory and Narrative Memory. Implicit memories are memories about specific events. What did you have for breakfast this morning? What outfit did you wear yesterday? Which people did you talk to today? The answers to these questions are implicit memories.

Narrative memories are memories that try to make sense of our various experiences on a day-to-day basis. Narrative memories integrate our implicit memories into a coherent whole. While implicit memories are the ‘what,’ narrative memories are the ‘why.’ Suppose I don’t usually eat eggs for breakfast, but today I decided to have scrambled eggs. The memory of having scrambled eggs is an implicit memory that answers the question, “What did I have for breakfast?” Further suppose that I was having breakfast with a friend who knew my eating habits, and my friend commented that I don’t usually eat eggs. If I search my own mind for a reason why I chose eggs for breakfast on this particular day, the reason I come up with will be the ‘why’ of narrative memory.

Our lives are made up of implicit memories of our daily events. In order to make sense of our lives, we link these events together in a narrative that gives our lives meaning. These stories that we create about our life experiences are our narrative memories. We all write our own autobiographies every day of our lives. This process of autobiography writing is our narrative memory fitting the pieces of our implicit memories together like a jigsaw puzzle.

Integrating Memories

For most of us, most of the time, our stories make sense and everything runs smoothly. But sometimes we get a bunch of implicit memories that we just can’t seem to fit into our own narratives. It’s as if, while working this jigsaw puzzle, we somehow grabbed a handful of pieces from another box. When this happens, we have to ‘change the picture’ of our life stories to incorporate these new puzzle pieces. This process of fitting the new pieces into the puzzle is called integration.

If we are able to successfully integrate all of these implicit memories, then there’s no problem. If we have difficulty making some of the pieces fit, it usually means that we’d have to change our worldview and re-write our own narrative in order to fit those pieces into the puzzle. This can be a frustrating experience. Sometimes that frustration manifests in emotional aggression.

Living a life of consistency means finding a way to make all of the pieces fit without getting frustrated or without having to act out in emotionally aggressive ways. By learning to integrate our True Selves into the story of our lives, we fit all of our implicit memories into a new narrative memory that creates this new paradigm. When all of these pieces have fit together, we are living at the core of our True Selves.

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Sacred Space Meditation

Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy Facilitator Certification Program MBE sacred space meditation

About Sacred Space

Since one of the core elements of mindfulness is the ability to focus on the present moment, sacred spaces naturally facilitate mindful states. From a psychological perspective, setting aside a sacred space allows you to enter that space, step outside of time, and do your own work of contemplating the essence of being. If you have a special place set aside for this activity, and only for this activity, then entering it more readily puts you in a special state of mind.
Psychologists call this situation-specific learning. If your sacred space becomes associated in your mind with relaxation, meditation, and contemplation, then after a while simply entering your sacred space will put you into a meditative state (Nadel, 2019).

If you are fortunate enough to have access to a natural place that calls to you, you may make it your own by placing symbols and signs there that mean something to you. My own sacred space is marked by statuary and wind chimes. The gentle music of the chimes lends itself well to contemplation. When I am at home with the windows open, sometimes the wind blows through the trees, stirring the chimes. When this happens, I am reminded of my sacred space and the peace found there. Even if I am busy working at the computer, the music of the chimes reminds me for a moment of the happy times I have spent in my sacred space in meditation.

If you don’t have access to an outdoor place to create your own sacred space, you can create one indoors. Set up a small table somewhere in a corner of your home. Cover it with things that help you to achieve a meditative state. You may use candles, incense, house plants, or pictures of nature scenes or loved ones. You can use anything that might help you to connect with your True Self.

If you’re out walking in the woods, you may come upon a place that attracts you. Stop there and meditate for a while. If this place is particularly meaningful for you, you may mark it for others by making a small pile of stones. This has been a tradition of mine for decades now, and when we do ecospirituality workshops, students often do this. Coming upon a small pile of stones left by another can be a powerful way to connect yourself to others who have walked the path. It also allows you the opportunity to be in a sacred space that others have enjoyed before you.

Whether your sacred space is indoors or outdoors, it can be a useful place for finding your center and connecting with your True Self.

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Sacred Space Meditation

Prior to performing this sacred space meditation, you must first have your own sacred space. If you don’t already have one, you’ll need to find your own sacred space for the purposes of this activity. This should be a place that is fairly easy to access for you. It should be as free of man-made artifice as possible. This means that it should not be a place with manicured lawns and trimmed hedges if at all possible. It should be a pristine place, undisturbed by modifications due to humankind.

Of course, this is the ideal, and you may not have such a space readily available to you. If not, that’s okay. Just try to get as close to a wild, untamed environment as you can. If that’s also not a possibility for you, then you can include as many natural elements as possible in this meditation by playing recorded sounds of nature or filling a room in your home with houseplants, or just visualizing an outdoor scene that fills you with a sense of peace and harmony.

For the purposes of this meditation, the fewer reminders you have of the modern human-built world, the more successful your meditation will be. Once you have found your sacred space, make sure that you will be undisturbed here for the duration of the exercise. When you are ready to begin, watch Sacred Space Meditation video. This exercise is part of the Ecospirituality Group Program by the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC. Learn more at mindfulecotherapy.org.

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The Litany Against Fear

Litany Against Fear Dune Peninsula Tacoma

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert’s Dune

Frank Herbert’s science fiction classic Dune is enjoying a revival due to the success of the movies by director Denis Villeneuve. The Litany Against Fear highlighted above is from the original novel. Hidden within this litany from science fiction author Frank Herbert is a key principle of mindfulness.

Most emotional aggression is the result of some type of fear, whether we are willing to admit it or not. The Litany against Fear is a great way to conquer this fear by conquering the conflict within ourselves. By turning within we are able to live in True Self and achieve a life of consistent positive consequences. Let’s examine how this works, line-by-line from the litany above:

“I will face my fear.”

Emotional aggression is usually the result of an attempt to avoid fear or to make our fear someone else’s responsibility. The natural tendency is to avoid danger by attempting to avoid the fear. This sometimes causes us to lash out in emotionally aggressive ways. But if we are able to turn and face the fear, we begin to see that it is not some all-powerful monster.
One way to do this is by ‘breathing into’ the fear. To do this, start a mindful breathing exercise by focusing only on your breath. Next, leave Doing Mode and enter Being Mode by letting go of the desire to run away from the fear. Simply breathe, relax, and greet the fear with open acceptance.

“I will permit it to pass over me and through me.”

By turning to face the fear and by breathing into it, we are not trying to engage in avoidance behavior or ruminating cycles. The goal here is to accept that the fear is already here. It is letting go of anticipation and realizing that the fear cannot touch us unless we choose to allow it to. By coming to this realization, we leave Thinking Mode and enter Sensing Mode, letting the fear wash over us like a wave. As it passes over and through us, it has no power over us unless we let it.

“And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.”

As the fear passes through and we move from Thinking Mode to Sensing Mode, we engage our inner observer to focus on the path that the fear has traveled. What is this path? It is the path of the ruminating cycle. The ruminating cycle began with a trigger, so by turning our inner eye to see the path, we are able to trace it back to the source: The trigger that acted as a catalyst. Remember, the goal isn’t to try to change anything here. We’re just using Sensing Mode to observe and describe the path that the fear has taken.

“When the fear has gone there will be nothing.”

Fear does not exist, except in the mind. Danger may exist in our external circumstances, and that danger may be very real, but fear is an emotional response to danger. We choose to be fearful. The good news is that we may also choose not to be fearful. When we trace the fear back to its point of origin we are able to create a different, less fearful response, or to choose to simply sit with the fear until it subsides on its own, without feeling the need to try to do something to stop it.

“Only I will remain.”

Once you have done this exercise by reciting the Litany Against Fear, you may come to find that the fear is no longer a problem. When you have faced your fears by standing as close to the ‘fire’ as possible, you may come to know that fear cannot touch you unless you choose to let it. Anxiety cannot touch you unless you choose to let it. Depression cannot touch you unless you choose to let it.

Even if the fear remains, with mindful awareness you may come to realize that you do not have to ‘do’ anything about it. You can choose to simply ‘be’ with it instead.

When you are able to do this regularly, you will have found a way to conquer your fears in a consistent manner.

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Mindful Walking

mindful walking the coyote walk

Mindful Walking utilizes mindfulness and ecopsychology as emotional regulation skills. This is especially true if you are able to do this exercise outdoors. Mindful walking may be used to de-fuse potential emotional aggression. If you feel that one of your triggers has been activated, and you can take a break, go outside and do a little mindful walking!

The goal of a mindful walking exercise is to increase self-awareness by focusing on the sensations your body experiences while walking. Your brain takes in about 2 billion bytes of information per second. Of all this information being taken in, you are usually only conscious of about 4000 bytes of this information. This Mindful Walking exercise helps you to learn to become more consciously aware by learning to focus on only one thing at a time. By being present in the moment, we learn to let go of worries about the past, and anxieties about the future.

It is preferable to do this exercise outdoors if possible, but if necessary you may also do the exercise indoors. You may wish to make a recording of it for your mp3 player so that you may take it with you while you walk, or you can watch the video below to get a good idea of the process. the video below is for the Coyote Walk Meditation, a type of mindful walking that we use in our Ecospirituality Program.

Mindful Walking Instructions

Read over the instructions below, then try it on your own:

  • Start by standing with your feet about shoulder width apart, with your weight evenly distributed. Your hands should hang loosely and freely by your side. Gaze at the ground about five or six feet in front of you. Don’t focus your eyes on anything…just allow your eyes to relax.
  • Center yourself before beginning to walk by taking a few deep breaths before beginning to walk. Don’t begin to walk until your attention and intention are focused on the moment. Shift from Doing Mode to Being Mode.
  • When you are ready, slowly lift your right leg in preparation for taking the first step.
  • As you step, focus on feeling every muscle in your leg. Note what each muscle is doing as you move. Don’t hurry the step. Just allow yourself to experience all the sensations that your leg is giving to you. Step forward until your right foot makes contact with the ground. Notice how your foot makes contact with the surface.
  • Did your heel touch first, or was it your toes?
  • Did you feel the pressure of contact first with the inside edge of your foot, or with the outside edge?
  • Now as you begin to bring your left foot forward for another step, notice how the weight changes on your right foot. Is it changing from heel to toe, or the other way around? Where do your feet feel the pressure? Can you feel the pressure move across your right foot as you make the next step?
  • Now as you bring your left foot forward to make contact with the ground, repeat the procedure. Note how the pressure and weight change over your left foot and leg as you prepare to make another step with your right foot.
  • Continue on, walking in the same manner, paying attention only to the way your body moves as you continue to walk. Focus only on the sensations your body continues to give you.
  • At times you may find yourself becoming distracted. If you notice a fragrance on the breeze, or if an animal crosses your path, or if you hear a bird singing, your mind may wander from the sensations of walking. If this happens, simply stop walking until your attention returns to you.
  • Sometimes the distractions are not in the environment, but in your mind. If thoughts and feelings take your mind off of the walking, then once again, stop walking until your mind returns to focusing only on the walking.
  • Remember that the goal of this exercise is to practice paying attention to only one thing at a time, and one thing only. If you feel tempted to begin thinking about the past or the future, stop walking until your thoughts and feelings return only to the sensations of the walking.
  • As you continue to practice Mindful Walking as part of your daily routine, your mind will become more calm and relaxed. Mindful walking is something that you can practice at any time during the day whenever you need a quick break from doing.
  • As you continue to practice focusing on only one thing at a time, you we gain more control over your own thoughts and feelings. You will become less prone to periods of overwhelming emotions and thoughts. You will also learn to experience the joy and the happiness within you.
  • Continue your walk, directing your attention only to the sensations of your walking. As you come to an end to this mindful walking meditation, slowly take your last step, and come to a stop, resting comfortably where you stand.
  • End the meditation by taking a few deep breaths and expanding your awareness to the environment around you. You may wish to do a mindful meditation during your mindful walking exercise as well.

Use the Mindful Walking meditation whenever you have the opportunity to take a quick break; especially if you find yourself experiencing anxiety or depression. Strong emotions can lead to emotional aggression, and you can de-fuse such ruminating cycles by shifting from Doing Mode into Being Mode. Mindful Walking helps you to do this by taking energy out of the thinking cycle and shifting it into the sensing cycle.

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Consequences and Letting Go

Ecospirituality

Consequences and letting go is about recognizing the choices we make that lead to consequences we don’t want to experience. Such choices have a tendency to be self-sustaining. That is because we usually make choices in the belief that those choices will make the problem better. But if we continue to make choices that we know aren’t going to make the problem better, then we’re going to continue to get the same results over and over again. The attempted solution to the problem instead makes the problem worse.

One way to get different consequences is to practice letting go. Letting go leads to radical acceptance. That is, if you are faced with a consequence you cannot change, then the only alternative is to accept that this situation cannot be changed. The first step to letting go is to ask ourselves, “What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?”

This doesn’t mean that we’re asking for the purpose of minimizing or denying concerns. It means that we’re asking this question so we can really figure out what we’re having difficulty accepting. Our fears are usually worse than the reality in situations like this. In some cases, our fears of the worst thing happening might actually be worse than if the worst thing actually did happen.

Once you’ve figured out what the worst thing is, next ask yourself, “Am I prepared for the worst thing? If not, can I accept the worst thing?” If you find that the answer is that you are not prepared for the worst thing, then the next step is to prepare yourself for the worst thing. In many cases where emotional aggression is an issue, the ‘worst thing’ involves other people. If the ‘worst thing’ is that someone else might gain the upper hand, or that someone else might be right, or even that someone else might even leave you, honestly ask yourself, “If this person is going to leave me, and I’m so stressed out about that possibility that I’m acting out in emotionally aggressive ways, would their leaving really be a bad thing?”

Another thing to ask n this situation is, “Am I so worried about this person leaving me that my behavior is actually going to be the reason that this person leaves me?”

Next ask yourself, “Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes? Who has the power to change it?” Note that in this case, ‘changing it’ doesn’t mean trying to get the other person to change. Changing it in this case means either changing yourself or ending the relationship. If you attempt to change the other person, you’re back to engaging in emotional aggression.

If you are having difficulty in accepting a consequence, answer the questions below about the consequence you’d like to change. Remember that the only way to change the consequence is indirectly, by changing the belief and the choice that led to the consequence. If the consequence has already happened, the only alternative left is to accept it and to make different choices the next time so you don’t get a similar consequence.

Questions to Ask Yourself about Consequences and Letting Go

Think about a consequence that you’d like to re-evaluate. It may help to write it down.

Now answer the question, “What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?” Focus on what you’re afraid might happen if you attempted to change the consequence by making a difference choice the next time. What we’re focusing on here is the consequence after the consequence. If you react negatively to a consequence, then you’ve just created another consequence that is also likely to turn out negative.

Next, answer the question, “Am I prepared for the worst thing?” This question is designed to ask if you have used all of your mindful skills to help you cope should the worst thing happen. Think of which coping skills from previous sessions might help you to find a way to prepare for the thing that you are afraid might happen. If the worst thing has already happened, ask yourself which coping skills might be used to help you to accept what has happened so that you can move on without acting in such a way that you get even further negative consequences.

The next question, “If not, can I accept the worst thing?” involves ways to let go of the consequence without feeling the need to act in an emotionally aggressive way, thereby getting yet another negative consequence. Think about the consequence you are evaluating and see if accepting the ‘worst thing’ in this scenario might help you to find a way to let go. If the consequence has already happened, remember that you can’t change what’s already happened, so there’s really nothing to let go of. All you can do is to engage in ‘damage control’ so that you don’t make the situation worse.

The question, “Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes?” helps to re-set your perception filter by focusing on the assumptions that led to the consequence. Let’s break that down a bit.

Consequences are the result of choices. If you’ve just experienced a negative consequence, ask yourself what choices you made that led to the negative consequence. Then ask yourself what might have to change in order to avoid getting a similar consequence the next time. Remember to keep the focus on what you have the power to change, and avoid ‘musterbating’ by avoiding the temptation to say what others should have done or could have done.

This leads to the final question, “Who has the power to change it?” If the answer to this question involves anyone else but yourself, then the only choice you have is to accept that the consequence is beyond your control. In that case, you will have to accept that this is just the way things are (mindful awareness) or change the way you think about it so that you may focus on the aspects of it that you do have the power to change.

Those aspects that you have the power to change are those choices that you made that led to the consequence. If the consequence was the result of something someone else did and you truly couldn’t have made any choice yourself that would have led to a different consequence, then the only remaining choice is to end the relationship. This is especially true if the consequence you experienced involved being abused in some way. In such a situation, no choice that you made led to the consequence of being abused. There is never any justifiable reason for abuse, and it is never the victim’s fault. In a situation where the consequence was abuse, the choice is to seek help immediately or to find safety as quickly as possible, and to set firm boundaries so that it never happens again.

Consequences and Letting Go List

For the sake of brevity, here’s a bullet list of questions to ask yourself when evaluating consequences. Evaluating consequences in this manner facilitates letting go.

What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?

Am I prepared for the worst thing?

If not, can I accept the worst thing?

Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes?

Who has the power to change it?

The final lesson of Consequences and Letting Go is that you cannot change others. You can only change yourself. Remember that and letting go becomes easier. You can also download the worksheet below for practice in letting go.

01.12-Letting-Go-Worksheet-and-Diary-CardDownload
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MBE Program Reset Scheduled March 20, 2024

Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy Facilitator Certification Course

This is a notice for everyone who enrolled in the Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy Facilitator Certification Program.

To comply with new standards set by the National Board for Certified Counselors (NBCC), we will be performing a re-set of the course program for the Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy Facilitator Certification Training. The old standards allowed us to include all of the three courses required for certification in one program. The new standards require the three courses to be separated, with individual certificates for each course.

Some of you may have enrolled when this change was being made, and are therefore enrolled in both the old and the new programs. This has caused some confusion for students, therefore on March 20, 2024 we will be re-setting the course programs for all enrolled.

This means that we will be deleting the old program entirely and enrolling everyone in the new program. What this means for those enrolled in the old program is that there will now be three courses in your account instead of just the one. The content of the courses have not changed. They have merely been split up into three courses instead of one larger course. The number of hours and the materials will remain the same.

This will only temporarily affect your enrollment in the Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy Facilitator Certification Program. You may have difficulties logging in on March 20 as we make the change, but after that you should be able to login with no problems. If you are still having difficulties after March 20, please contact me using the form below.

In some cases the re-set may cause you to lose your course progress, so please save any progress prior to the re-set date of March 20. Make a note of where you are in your course(s) prior to March 20 so that should you lose your progress you will still be able to find your place in the new course materials.

I apologize for any inconvenience. This change was required by the National Board for Certified Counselors to keep our standards aligned with their requirements.

If you have any questions please use the form below.

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Process Addictions

process addiction group

A process addiction is similar to a substance addiction, except that instead of being addicted to a drug, the person with a process addiction is addicted to a cluster of behaviors. Examples of process addictions would include eating disorders, sexual addictions, and gambling addictions. A process addiction is an addiction to a process or a pattern of behavior.

Emotional aggression can be a process addiction as well. It tends to be an automatic response to certain emotional states, and the motivation for engaging in emotionally aggressive behaviors is that it can sometimes mimic the ‘high’ of abusing a substance. The brain produces neurotransmitters; chemicals which induce or aid in emotional states. Automatic processes can produce these chemicals. So can drugs. In either case, the ‘user’ is creating an artificially-induced chemical state in order to experience a ‘high.’

There are three major characteristics of any addiction:

Withdrawal – In substance abuse, withdrawal manifests in physiological symptoms related to the substance. A person with alcoholism might wake up with a hangover. A person with a heroin addiction might have the sweats or stomach cramps. A person trying to quit smoking might get irritable or angry. With a process addiction, the person may get nervous, anxious or angry when attempting to give up the behavior.

Tolerance – In substance abuse, tolerance manifests as an increasing need for the substance being used in order to get the same ‘high.’ Suppose the first time I drink I get a buzz off of two or three beers. Then six months or a year later, I need a six-pack or more to get the same high. I’ve developed a tolerance for alcohol. In a process addiction, tolerance manifests as a need to engage in more and more of the same behavior in order to get the same effect. With emotional aggression, I might start out acting in an emotionally aggressive way once or twice a week. Then six months later it might be once or twice a day, then a year later it might be five or six times a day, and so on.

Loss of Control – In substance abuse, loss of control manifests as an inability to keep addictive behaviors from interfering in activities of daily living. I might miss work because of a hangover. I might get in trouble with the law for fighting or other illegal activities to support my habit. In emotional aggression, loss of control manifests in a similar fashion. If I’ve ever gotten fired from a job because of my ‘attitude,’ or if I’ve ever been in legal trouble because of my inability to control my anger,’ then I’ve experienced loss of control.

Signs of a Process Addiction

Below is a list of signs that a Process Addiction may be present. If any of these sound familiar, you may be using emotional aggression as a process addiction:

Withdrawal Cluster

  • When the person tries to stop engaging in emotional aggression, he/she becomes moody, has a bad temper, has difficulty paying attention and concentrating, and experiences depression, emptiness, frustration, anger, bitterness and resentment.
  • Changes in appetite or sleep habits when attempting to stop the behavior. With process addictions, withdrawal can lead to anxiety, depression, trembling or nervous tics, sweating, and in extreme circumstances, to violent tendencies.
  • A person with a process addiction might use other behaviors in an attempt to get the same ‘high,’ such as driving fast or engaging in risky activities in order to get an adrenaline rush.
  • A person with an emotional aggression addiction may feel the need to indulge to start the day. That is, he/she may provoke an argument first thing in the morning in order to feel better.
  • A person with a process addiction to emotional aggression might seek out or provoke opportunities to act in emotionally aggressive ways.

Tolerance Cluster

  • A person with a process addiction to emotional aggression may feel that they need to be able to behave this way in order to deal with their problems.
  • A person with a process addiction to emotional aggression may spend more and more time and energy focusing on ways of provoking a situation that will give them an opportunity to act out in emotionally aggressive ways.
  • Many people who are addicted to emotional aggression are in denial. They are either unaware that they have a problem, or they refuse to acknowledge it, preferring to blame their own behavior on others.
  • As the addiction to emotional aggression progresses the person may stop doing things they once enjoyed, or if they engage in those activities, they no longer find them enjoyable.
  • The need to engage in emotional aggression becomes more important than relationships. This often manifests in the need to be ‘right’ all the time, even at the expense of the relationship.

Loss of Control Cluster

  • The individual continues engaging in emotional aggression on a regular basis, even though they are aware of the consequences to family, work, and social circles.
  • The person cannot stop the behavior. At least one serious attempt was made to give up, but the person was unsuccessful. A person who cannot control their physical aggression is a danger to themselves and to others. In extreme cases, when they totally lose control of their behavior, institutionalization may be necessary.
  • Some activities are given up because of an addiction to the process. A person with a process addiction to emotional aggression might turn down social opportunities because of a fear of not being able to regulate their behavior.
  • In some cases the person with a process addiction might make take risks to make sure he/she can continue to engage in emotional aggression. They might quit a job because the boss complained about their attitude. They might leave a relationship because the other person complained about the way they were being treated.
  • A person with a process addiction to emotional aggression may have legal troubles. This could be the result of vandalism during a fit of rage, or physical or sexual abuse committed against others, or of indulging in illegal activities in an effort to regulate moods. This could also include abusing substances as a method of emotional regulation.

If you checked off more than two items from each category above, you may have a process addiction to emotional aggression. If all three elements of withdrawal, tolerance, and loss of control are present, then the emotionally aggressive person has a process addiction to emotional aggression.

The Process Addiction Cycle

The process addiction to emotional aggression manifests in the Addiction Cycle. The Addiction Cycle for process addictions is similar to the Addiction Cycle for substance abuse addictions. The Substance Abuse Addiction Cycle contains five major elements. Those elements are:

  1. Emotional Trigger – There is a problem with emotional regulation that triggers the craving cycle
  2. Craving – Due to the emotional difficulty, the individual begins to crave a substance in order to regulate the emotions
  3. Ritual – The person engages in rituals associated with the addictive behavior
  4. Using – The person succumbs to the craving and uses the substance
  5. Guilt – After indulging in the substance, the person feels guilty about being unable to control their behavior

There is also an addiction cycle for process addictions. In a process addiction, the emotional trigger is not subdued by a substance. Instead, it is subdued by the chemicals produced by the brain during a cycle of emotional aggression.
The steps of the Process Addiction Cycle are as follows:

  1. Emotional Trigger – There is a problem with emotional regulation that triggers the craving cycle
  2. Craving – In the case of a process addiction, due to the emotional difficulty, the individual begins to crave or desire to act in an emotionally aggressive way in order to regulate the emotions that triggered the cycle
  3. Automatic Processes (Ritual) – The person engages in rituals associated with the cycle of emotional aggression
  4. Emotional Aggression (Using) – The person succumbs to the craving and acts out in an emotionally aggressive way
  5. Guilt – After indulging in an episode of emotional aggression, the person feels guilty about being unable to control their behavior

In a process addiction, the emotional trigger is ‘regulated’ by engaging in emotional aggression. But this tendency to indulge in emotional aggression is a short-term fix with damaging long-term consequences. Indulging in the cycle leads to damaged or broken relationships, which then cause the need to indulge in the cycle even more. The guilt caused by an act of emotional aggression is usually enough to trigger another emotional response, which then leads to even more emotionally aggressive acting out.

We’ve already discussed the idea of primary vs. secondary emotions, in which the secondary emotion is the emotion that it is safe to express. The key to stopping the Process Addiction Cycle is in finding the primary emotions that start the cycle. Once they have been identified, it becomes easier to acknowledge them without feeling the need to indulge in the craving by responding in emotionally aggressive ways.

By identifying the primary emotions that serve as triggers, we can choose not to act in emotionally aggressive ways. We may instead use our mindful skills to sit quietly with those feelings in the present moment, reminding ourselves that there is no need to ‘do’ anything in order to make the feeling go away. If we are able to sit quietly with the feeling until it subsides, we have learned how to simply ‘be.’