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NOW AVAILABLE: Ecospirituality Workbook!

Ecospirituality Workbook Cover Photo Ecospirituality Group Facilitator Certification Program

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The Ecospirituality Workbook is now available at Amazon and at Elder Grove Media!

As the human race has become increasingly urbanized, we have come to spend less and less time in natural settings. Many of us now live in cities or suburbs rather than in rural areas. Even so, we still hear the calls of nature. The wilderness cries out to something in our blood. Although the industrial revolution forced us into an urban way of living, we were creatures of the wilderness for millennia before that. Evolution has hardwired our brains for the wild.
This ecospirituality program is based in part on the principles of deep ecology.

Arne Naess was a Norwegian philosopher and founder of the Deep Ecology movement. He cited Rachel Carson’s book Silent Spring (a book about how pesticides like DDT upset the delicate balance of nature) as instrumental in his development of the philosophy of deep ecology, which states that humans are not privileged above other living things and that all living things should be treated with equal respect and equal ethical consideration. Naess believed that all living things have an equal right to thrive and to survive.

The Ecospirituality Workbook is based in part on Deep Ecology. The Deep Ecology movement founded by Naess echoes the Gaia Hypothesis, which says that the Earth herself is a living thing and we are all a part of the much larger organism that is Gaia, the Earth. Although NASA scientist James Lovelock is credited with creating the Gaia Hypothesis, Native Americans, and other indigenous peoples all over the world, had such a concept for thousands of years before Lovelock came along.

Scientists are in the process of rediscovering what the indigenous peoples of the Earth knew all along: That the planet is a living organism and that we are all a part of the web of life. We are all connected. This idea of the interconnectedness of all things is what Naess meant by “deep ecology,” and deep ecology is at its core a spiritual movement.

If we are all connected, then what we do to the web of life, we do to ourselves. If we poison the water, then we drink the water, we take the poison into ourselves. If we pollute the food with pesticides, then eat the food, we take the pesticides into our own bodies. If we pollute the air, then breathe in the air, we take our own pollutants into our lungs. If we fatten our beef animals with hormones, then eat the beef, we take the hormones into ourselves. If we poison the minds and souls of our neighbors with hatred, anger, and bitterness, then interact with those neighbors in negative ways, we take hatred, anger, and bitterness into ourselves as well.

The deep ecology of The Ecospirituality Workbook teaches us to be one with nature. This oneness with nature is the ultimate form of spirituality. This is true even for agnostics or atheists. We don’t have to believe in supernatural beings to realize that nature is something larger and more transcendent than ourselves. The “divinity” in ecospirituality is nature itself. This is true whether or not we choose to personify nature as a separate, conscious, and divine entity.

We are all interdependent, and ecospirituality teaches us that if we cannot live in a sustainable, ecological way, then the human race will have no future. This planet has limited resources, and we currently don’t have anywhere else to go. Eventually everything will run out, and when this happens, how will we survive? The only way that the human race can survive is to embrace a way of life that honors all life on the planet. Such a way of life is what ecospirituality entails.

What is ecospirituality?

The word “spiritual” comes from the Latin spiritus, which means, “breath.” Originally, that which was spiritual was simply that which was breathtaking. From this perspective a spiritual experience is an awe-inspiring experience. People of all religions…or none…can experience such awe-inspiring events. You can be spiritual without being religious. Spirituality doesn’t rely on a set system of teachings or dogmas. Spirituality is the joy of being present in the moment and experiencing the awe and wonder of living.

In my own personal experience, those breathtaking moments most often occur when I have made some sort of connection. It could be a connection with nature, or with others, or with my own inner self. Such a connection opens up a channel of communication, or perhaps communion. Such a connection allows me to feel that I am a part of everything, and everything is a part of me. It produces a sense of oneness with the universe. It is the ultimate sense of connection.

For the purposes of this program and this workbook, ecospirituality is broken down into twelve distinct skills. These skills are created to foster that sense of connection to nature, to others, and to your own higher self. Each session of the The Ecospirituality Workbook and the Ecospirituality Program will review and teach one of these skills. A description of each of these skills follows.

 
The Twelve Skills of the Ecospirituality Workbook

The Ecospirituality Workbook focuses on achieving mindful states in nature. It is through these moments of connection that ecospirituality works its magic. There are twelve skills of ecospirituality. The first six skills are mindful skills. The remaining six skills are ecospirituality skills.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 1: Mindful Awareness

Mindful Awareness is a way of tuning in to what is happening right now, at this moment. Most of the anxiety we experience in life is either about things that happened in the past or things that may or may not happen in the future. When we learn to live in the present moment, we can make conscious choices in the present about what anxious thoughts and feelings to give our attention to, and which to let go of.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 2: Living in the Now

Living in the Now means allowing yourself to be in this moment, here and now. It is a shift from Doing Mode into Being Mode. The present is really the only time you can ever experience. The past is gone, and the future has not yet arrived. Here in the now is when we can make positive changes in our lives by making conscious choices about our lives and about our place in the world.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 3: Letting Go

Ecospirituality teaches us how to let go of stress and anxiety through the power of mindful acceptance. Mindful acceptance is the knowledge of the concept that we must accept the things we cannot change. It is the realization that we cannot change others, therefore we can only change ourselves. When we have learned mindful acceptance, we have learned the art of Letting Go.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 4: Radical Acceptance

Acceptance teaches us that we are not our thoughts, and that we are not our emotions. We are something different. That something different is the True Self. Radical acceptance teaches us that it’s not our circumstances that cause us anxiety. It’s what we choose to believe about our circumstances that causes anxiety. When we can accept what we feel without the need to respond or react in ways that lead to negative consequences, we have learned Radical Acceptance.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 5: Wise Mind and Wise Body

Wise Mind is the joining of Rational Mind and Emotional Mind in balance and harmony. When we can balance Rational Mind and Emotional Mind, we will achieve Wise Mind. From Wise Mind we gain the wisdom to know what we can change and what we must accept. Wise Body is the acceptance that mind and body are one and the same. By paying attention to what our bodies tell us about our emotional states, we can choose in the present how to respond. When we accomplish this, we have mastered Wise Body.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 6: Centering

We all have two concepts of self: The perceived self and the ideal self. The perceived self is how we see ourselves now. The ideal self is who we wish to be. It is our highest aspiration for ourselves. The closer together the perceived self and the ideal self are, the fewer problems we have. The further apart they are, the more the perceived self asks, “why can’t I be more like my ideal self?” The True Self is the person we would be if we could get out of our own way. It is the highest form of the ideal self. Centering allows you to connect with your own True Self through ecospiritual exercises. The more centered you are, the more your perceived self and your True Self integrate and align. The more this happens, the more we are able to live the lives we were meant to.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 7: Connecting

The original meaning of “spiritual” was “that which is breathtaking.” From this perspective, spiritual moments are those awe-inspiring, breathtaking moments we all experience from time to time. Spirituality is all about connectedness. Ecospirituality can help you achieve personal spiritual growth through fostering a sense of connection to nature, to others, and to your own True Self. In short, Connecting facilitates spiritual experiences.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 8: Nature as Metaphor

We all have personal stories called “my life.” These personal narratives are the fables we tell ourselves about what our lives mean and where they’re going. If our stories are going well, then we generally have no problems. On the other hand, if our personal narratives aren’t going well, we tend to develop problems. The good news about the story of our lives is that we are the only authors. If we don’t like the way the story is going, we have the power to rewrite it at any time. Ecospirituality teaches you how to pay attention to your own stories and to change them if you wish by using Nature as Metaphor.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 9: Nature as Teacher

Our ancestors lived at peace with nature. They knew the seasons. They knew when to sow and when to reap. They knew how to read the weather by signs. The lessons our ancestors learned about nature haven’t gone away. They’re still there, waiting in the forest like an open book. All we have to do is to learn how to read it using Nature as Teacher. When we allow nature to teach us in this manner, we unlock a powerful tool to discover more about nature and about ourselves through ecospirituality.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 10: Nature as Nurture

People who go into the woods become calmer, more relaxed, less stressful, and healthier. Ecospirituality can be used to tap into the nurturing and healing power of nature. When we allow nature to nurture us, we are healed. When we nurture the nature around us, we set up a reciprocal cycle of nurturing that allows us to become one with nature. When we learn this skill, we are able to embrace Nature as Nurture.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 11: Nature as Healer

Anyone who has ever gone on a vacation or even just a walk in the woods or in a park, or enjoyed the company of an animal companion, knows that nature has the power to heal. Ecospirituality helps you to connect to the healing power of nature using evidence-based activities in natural environments. This skill allows you to accept the power of Nature as Healer.

The Ecospirituality Workbook Session 12: Living in True Self

The ultimate goal of the Ecospirituality program is to realize and acknowledge your True Self, and to live in it. Doing so allows you the opportunity to re-connect in positive ways with nature, with others, and with yourself. When you learn to do so, you will be Living in True Self; the person you were born to be.

The Ecospirituality Facilitator Certification Program will be available in late summer of 2024! Sign up for our newsletter now to be informed when the program is released!

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The Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet

Cost-Benefit Analysis Acceptance and Change

The Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet can help with difficult choices. Our choices are a consequence of what we can change and what we have to accept. Mindful acceptance teaches us that we can only change ourselves, not others. If others in our lives are causing problems yet they are unwilling to change, then we either have to accept that fact or end the relationship. We can only be responsible for what we can change, which is our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Once I have accepted the fact that the only person I can change is myself, then my choices should reflect this knowledge.

The first step in learning to accept the choices of others is to assess your patterns of avoidant behaviors. Avoidant behaviors are any behaviors that are attempts to avoid taking responsibility for your own emotional states. Once these patterns of avoidant behavior have been identified, the next step in making good choices is to reframe those behaviors into patterns of acceptance.

What do avoidant behaviors look like? Suppose I am angry with my wife about something, but I don’t want to tell her because I don’t like conflict. That’s an avoidant behavior. So I hold it in and bite my tongue until I can’t stand it any longer, and then I explode in a fit of angry emotional aggression. Here’s how to turn this situation into an acceptance strategy by reframing the avoidant behavior:

In this case, the avoidant behavior is withholding communication because of a fear of conflict. What exactly am I afraid of? Am I afraid that if I tell her I’m angry, it’s going to make her angry in return? Am I afraid that she will think it’s silly that I’m angry about whatever it is? Am I afraid that she might even leave me if I share my feelings with her?

By figuring out exactly why I’m avoiding the issue, I can change it to a more accepting strategy through mindful acceptance. If I’m afraid that if I tell her that I’m angry, it’s going to make her angry in return, I could accept the fact that she is responsible for her own emotional reactions. If I’m afraid that she will think my anger is silly, I can instead accept that I’m entitled to my feelings regardless of what her opinion of them might be. In fact, her feelings are none of my business! If I’m afraid that she might even leave me if I share my feelings with her, then I can accept that I probably don’t need to be in a relationship with someone who won’t respect my right to feel the way I feel.

Are any of the choices you make in your relationships really attempts to engage in avoidant behaviors? If so, what ways could you reframe the beliefs that led to those behaviors so that you might be able to achieve mindful acceptance instead of having to avoid the issue?

Here are some common avoidant behaviors to look for:

  • Blame-shifting: Attempting to avoid personal responsibility by blaming others
  • Blamestorming: Blaming everyone and everything instead of accepting the situation as it really is
  • Emotional Aggression: Attempting to avoid personal responsibility by getting others to be responsible
  • Patterns of Control: Attempting to control others in order to avoid having to control yourself

The Cost-Benefit Analysis

A difficulty with choices is that once our assumptions about life have set our perception filter in a certain way, it’s sometimes hard to see the evidence on the other side of the coin. To make better choices, however, we need to be aware of evidence both in favor of and against a decision. The Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet is a way to re-set our perception filter by forcing ourselves to look at all the evidence both in favor of, and against, a decision.

There are four boxes on the Cost-Benefit Analysis Tool. At the top of the Tool there is a line for “Decision to be made.” On this line, write the decision that is being evaluated. For example, suppose you are contemplating whether or not to stay married. On the “decision to be made” line, you’d write, “stay married.”

Next, in the left-hand column there are two rows: “Benefits of doing this” and “benefits of not doing this.” In the “benefits of doing this” box you would write down all the benefits of staying married that you could think of. In the “benefits of not doing this” you would list all of the benefits of not staying married that you could think of. If you need extra paper, use a notebook. The goal here is to think of as many reasons as you can in both boxes.

Next, in the right-hand column, there is a row for “costs of doing this,” and a row for “costs of not doing this.” In the “costs of doing this” box, list all of the costs of staying married you can think of. Note that this isn’t necessarily talking about financial costs. This is also talking about emotional costs. Then in the next row, “costs of not doing this,” list as many costs as you can think of for not staying married.

Once you’ve listed as many reasons as you can think of in all of the appropriate columns, the next thing to do is to ‘score’ each item. The reason for assigning a score to each item is that some items are more important than others. When I got out of graduate school I was offered a job in New York. There were plenty of reasons for moving to New York, but only one reason for not moving to New York: My daughter lived with her mother, and if I moved to New York I’d only get to see her once a year. So that one item outweighed all the others.

So the reason for giving scores to each item is so that you can ‘weigh’ each item based on its importance to you.
Finally, you tally up all the scores in each column, and the high score ‘wins.’ That is, the column with the highest score should theoretically be the column upon which to base your decision.

A word of caution is in order here: Don’t just do this once and base your decision on a single result. The best way to evaluate the results is to do it several times over a period of days or weeks. Here’s why: Suppose I have a fight with my wife, and then I do a CBA Worksheet based on staying married vs. getting a divorce. Obviously if I’ve just had a fight with my wife, my answers are probably going to be a little skewed. So if I do this Cost-Benefit Analysis again and again over a period of time, my emotions regarding the decision are going to have a tendency to even out, and the average result is going to be the decision that I should make.

The Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet

Try a Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet now for practice. The goal here is to focus on the evidence both for and against the decision to be made. By seeing both sides of the issue, you are re-setting your perception filter so that you may challenge assumptions that are leading to consequences you don’t want.

You can download a copy of the CBA Worksheet by clicking the link below.

CBA Worksheet
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AIM for Happiness

Ecospirituality Group Program

What is your aim in life? Are your beliefs helping you to achieve your aim? Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees. We let our beliefs get in the way.

Our beliefs are a result of our thoughts and feelings. Our choices are a result of our beliefs. If our choices are leading to consequences that we don’t want, we can consciously change those thoughts and beliefs to create consequences that we do want. The easiest way to make better choices is to take a solution-focused approach using the power of intention. Before making any choice, first ask yourself, “What is my intention? Is the choice I’m about to make going to achieve my intention, or is it going to make things worse?”

By focusing on solutions instead of problems we make better choices. We can consciously choose which beliefs to hold to, and which beliefs to change.

The consequences we get in life are based on how we choose act upon our beliefs. Those choices lead to behaviors. If our choices are leading us to behave in emotionally aggressive ways, it may be time to make different choices! Remember, if what you’re doing isn’t working, doing more of the same isn’t likely to work either!

AIM: Choices and Beliefs

Our beliefs (memes) are a result of our thoughts and assumptions about the way the world works. Our choices are the result of our beliefs (memes). We make choices that we believe will support our intentions. The consequences we get in life are based on how we act upon our beliefs (behavior). If our choices are supporting our intentions, then we’ve made the right choices. But if our choices are not accomplishing our intentions, it is time to change something.
Choices consist of three separate elements: Assumptions, Intentions, and Motivations.

Here’s a description of these three elements:

Assumptions
Assumptions are educated guesses that we make about the meaning and purpose of events and circumstances. If these assumptions are supporting our intentions, then nothing needs to change; but if our assumptions are leading us to make poor choices, we may wish to re-evaluate those assumptions to see if they reflect the reality of the situation. By challenging unproductive assumptions, we are able to change them so that we can get the results we want.

Intentions
Our intentions are the goals we set for our lives. Our choices should reflect these goals. If our choices are not supporting our intentions, then we should either re-examine our choices, or change our intentions. If we are continually making choices that don’t support our stated intentions, we may need to be honest with ourselves about our true intentions in making those choices.

Motivations
Our motivations are the rewards we get for making the choices we make. This is true even if those choices seem to be leading to negative consequences. All behavior is purposeful. By seeking out the true motivations for our behaviors and choices, we are better able to be honest with ourselves so that we can find more appropriate rewards.

For example, acting in emotionally aggressive ways may appear to lead to poor consequences, and poor consequences may seem like poor motivators. But could it be that when we act in emotionally aggressive ways that the hidden reward is that we don’t have to take responsibility for our own emotional states? By finding these hidden motivations we are better able to make choices that lead to better rewards.

AIM for Happiness

If we learn to make choices that allow us to be responsible for our own happiness, then there is no need to act in emotionally aggressive ways in an attempt to get others to be responsible for our happiness. One way to learn to make choices that lead to happiness is to examine our assumptions, intentions and motivations in a given situation. These elements work together to help us determine the proper choices to make in order to achieve our life goals.

The AIM for Happiness tool below allows us to analyze our assumptions, intentions and motivations so that we can make better choices. The problem-focused AIM Worksheet looks at assumptions, intentions and motivations that might be contributing to the tendency to make poor choices.

The solution-focused AIM Worksheet tool us to think about some assumptions, intentions and motivations that might lead to better choices.

AIM for Happiness Tool

Assumptions: If you’re facing a problem, the first question to ask yourself is, “What assumptions am I making that might be contributing to the problem?”

For example, suppose you have a partner, and you’d like your partner to share more of his/her feelings with you. You might assume that constantly asking your partner to share feelings might be the way to achieve this goal, but what if instead it’s only making your partner ‘clam up’ even more?

Intentions: The next question to ask yourself is, “What is my intention?” What are you trying to accomplish? Are your assumptions and motivations working together to help you accomplish your intention? If not, what would need to change about your assumptions and motivations in order to achieve your intention?

If what you’re doing isn’t working to accomplish your intention, is it possible to do something different?

Motivations: Finally, ask yourself, “What is my motivation here?”

All behavior is purposeful. This means that people only engage in a behavior if there’s a reward for it. This is even true of seemingly detrimental behaviors like substance abuse or emotional addictions. If we examine our motivations, we can truly be honest with ourselves about why we tend to engage in certain patterns of behavior. If we change our motivation, does it change our intention? Does it change the underlying assumptions?

To use the AIM for Happiness Tool, think about these questions:

  1. How many of the assumptions you listed were internally motivated? That is, how many of your assumptions were about making choices to change your own behaviors and beliefs?
  2. How many of the assumptions you listed were externally motivated? That is, how many of your assumption were about getting other people to change their behaviors and beliefs?
  3. How many of your intentions were internally motivated? That is, how many of your intentions were about things you have the power to change by making better choices?
  4. How many of your intentions were externally motivated? That is, how many of your intentions were about what other people choose to do?
  5. How many of your motivations were internally motivated? That is, how many of your motivations were about rewards you were choosing for yourself?
  6. How many of your motivations were externally motivated? That is, how many of your motivations were rewards you expect other people to choose to give to you?
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Why We Don’t Support Facebook or X-Twitter

Boycott Facebook and X-Twitter

You may have noticed that the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC does not have a Facebook or a Twitter presence. There are multiple reasons for this, but the main reason is that both of those platforms are discriminatory against the LGBTQ+ community, women, and other minorities.

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) had this to say about Facebook:

When we spoke on social media about our experience, other LGBTQ people shared similar stories of being censored by Facebook. These are not isolated incidents. In fact, we learned that Facebook has a history of censoring LGBTQ advertisers. And Facebook’s problems are not limited to the LGBTQ community, Black creators documenting police violence have recently seen their pages temporarily taken down completely. Facebook calls these “mistakes” but isn’t doing enough to stop them from happening again.

Facebook is a platform that claims to connect people, so why does their platform silence LGBTQ voices and prevent them from connecting with their communities? Facebook has a responsibility to represent everyone in a fair and just manner. That means addressing how the LGBTQ community can feel at home on Facebook when the platform appears to discriminate against members of our community for showing who we are.

Twitter, now known as “X”, or as I like to call it, X-Twitter, is no better.

According to a story from PBS, Twitter is the LEAST SAFE for the LGBTQ+ community:

GLAAD’s scorecard called it “the most dangerous platform for LGBTQ people” and the only one that saw its scores decline from last year.

Twitter ‘s communications staff was eradicated after Musk took over the company and for months inquiries to the press office have been answered only an automated reply of a poop emoji, as was the case when The Associated Press reached out to the company for comment.

LGBTQ+ advocates have long warned that online hate and harassment can lead to violence offline. But even when it does not, online abuse can take a toll on a person’s mental health.

“There isn’t a week that goes by that we don’t have a doxxing situation for somebody in our community that we have to come in and help them stop it and stop the hate, stop the vitriol and stop the attacks,” said GLAAD CEO and President Sarah Kate Ellis referring to the malicious practice that involves gathering private or identifying information and releasing it online without the person’s permission, usually in an attempt to harass, threaten, shame or exact revenge. “It’s really been amped up to a level that we’ve never seen before.”

On Twitter, attacks on LGBTQ+ users have increased substantially since Elon Musk took over the company last fall, according to multiple advocacy groups.

For this reason, the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC does not now have, nor will we ever have, either a Facebook or a Twitter profile. We support our LGBTQ+ community as well as all minority communities, and will always advocate for LGBTQ+ and other minority rights.

If you would like to join us by boycotting either or both platforms, please feel free to tell us about it in the comments below!

You might also wish to contact Facebook and Twitter and let them know how you feel about their policies. The contact information is below for both platforms.

Facebook Complaints

Dial the Facebook Customer Service Phone Number (844)-457-0351 to reach Facebook directly.

Using +1-(844)-457-0351, you can complain to Facebook directly. This number is available 24 hours a day and seven days a week.

Ways to Contact Facebook Support

Select Report a problem
If you face platform problems, you can report it directly to the Facebook team. This can be done by choosing “Report a Problem” under the Help menu.

Facebook Support Phone Number
The Facebook Customer Support Number is 844-457-0351, and users can use this number to speak directly to a live person.

Facebook Support Email
Use support@fb.com to get general support from Facebook.
Send an email to press@fb.com if you need press-related inquiries.
Users can use appeals@fb.com to appeal against blocked content.
You can report content against Facebook’s guidelines via abuse@fb.com.
Write an email to ip@fb.com to resolve intellectual property-related queries.

Offline Facebook support
If you cannot file a complaint through the above methods, you can write a letter and send it to the following address:

Facebook Headquarters
1 Hacker Way
Menlo Park, CA 94025
United States of America

1-844-457-0351


Can you email Facebook about a complaint?
Yes, you can email the Facebook team regarding a complaint. Use the platformcs@support.facebook.com address to reach them regarding any financial issues related to your account. You can also use abuse@fb.com to report anything on Facebook against the Facebook Community Standards.

Dial the Facebook Support Number 1-844-457-0351 to contact Facebook customer service directly. This number will let you speak directly to a live person on Facebook.

X-Twitter

Unfortunately, Twitter doesn’t care enough about its users to offer a direct way to file a complaint. The best you can do is follow the information below, but be aware that you probably won’t get a response.

There is no way to contact X by phone, email, or DM directly, but you can create a support ticket at

https://help.twitter.com/en/forms

You might try contacting their advertising department should you decide to boycott X-Twitter.

To reach X’s advertising support team, fill out a form at

https://ads.twitter.com/en/help

You might also inform their investor team and let them know you’re planning a boycott.
You can reach this department at

https://investor.twitterinc.com/contact/default.aspx

If you decide to take action, please let us know how it turned out! Both Facebook and X-Twitter have been notorious about not responding to customer concerns. But together we can make a difference! When it starts affecting their bottom line, only then will they change! Contact us and let us know what you think!

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Choices and Ruminating Cycles

Snowballing ruminating cycle

Our choices are sometimes a result of our ruminating cycles. Have you ever had a thought that led to another thought, and then another, and so on until your thoughts are snowballing out of control? If so, you’ve experienced a ruminating cycle. When we make choices after engaging in ruminating cycles like this, our choices aren’t usually the type of decisions that yield positive consequences.

Sometimes we make choices in an effort to quell such ruminations. When that happens, those choices may not produce the optimal outcome.

This is because our beliefs are a result of our thoughts and feelings. If our beliefs and choices are leading us to experience consequences that we don’t want, we can learn consciously change those thoughts and beliefs to create consequences that we do want. Poor choices are the result of negative cycles. Stress and anxiety are also usually the results of negative ruminating cycles.

Ruminating Cycle Exercise

Think about a time when you had a negative cycle and acted on it. How did the choices you made lead to consequences you didn’t want? It may help to write down that cycle on a piece of paper, using as much detail as possible. Feel free to get as personal as necessary to complete the exercise.

Here are the instructions for writing down your negative snowballing cycle:

  1. In the circle in the center of the page, write down the trigger that began the negative cycle. What happened that started the negative thought process? What did you think about what happened?
  2. Next, look at the trigger in the center circle, and write down the first thing that comes to mind. Write it next to the circle, and draw a circle around that thought and connect it back to the center circle.
  3. Now write down the next thing that comes to mind when you think about your trigger statement, and write it down as well. Draw a circle around it and connect it back to the center circle as well.
  4. Continue this process until you can’t think of anything else, or until the center circle is surrounded by other circled thoughts.
  5. Next, pick one of those circled thoughts and think about the first thing that comes to mind in response to that thought. Write it in a circle and connect it back to the thought that originated it.
  6. Go on in a similar fashion, listing all the thoughts in your ruminating cycle and linking them back to the thoughts that spawned them. Work outward in concentric ‘circles of circles’ until complete.

Choices and Ruminations

Triggers can lead to ruminating cycles if we choose to let them. Negative ruminating cycles can lead to poor choices, and poor choices can lead to adverse consequences. The more steps in a ruminating cycle we can identify, the more opportunities we have to change them or to stop them completely!
Refer to the Ruminating Cycle Graph you just completed in the previous exercise, and answer the following questions:

  • What are the triggers that activate your ruminating cycle?
  • What assumptions are sustaining your snowballing?
  • What perceptions are sustaining your cycle?
  • What feelings are sustaining your ruminating cycle?
  • What thoughts are sustaining your snowballing?
  • What beliefs are sustaining your cycle?
  • What physiological cues are sustaining your ruminating cycle?
  • What choices are sustaining your negative cycles?
  • What are the consequences of sustaining your snowballing?
  • What is your intention in engaging in this negative cycle?

Look at your answers to the questions above. Which of these answers would help you to either stop your negative ruminating cycle or to change it to a positive ruminating cycle? Why?

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As I Think, so I Feel

As I Think, So I Feel - Feelings and Thoughts

“People feel disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.”

–Epictetus, 1st Century Philosopher

As Epictetus reminds us, as I think, so I feel. Thoughts cause feelings and feelings can cause behaviors if we let them.

Events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then create feelings. Events and circumstances do not cause our feelings. The thoughts (beliefs) we have about events and circumstances cause our feelings. We can consciously change our feelings about things by changing the thoughts and beliefs we have about things.

By examining the rules we have made for ourselves and for others, we can learn to change them so that we have different feelings. In the example from the trust seesaw last week, suppose I have a child who has been lying to me. If I have a belief that my child is showing disrespect by lying to me, I will probably be angry and upset that my child chose to be deceptive. What if I could change that belief? What if I consciously decided that my child’s lie was because I hadn’t made my child feel that it was safe to tell me the truth? How might that change my emotional reaction? Would it change how I felt about the situation?

By changing our thoughts about a given situation, we can control the feelings we have about that situation.

“As I Feel, so I Think”

While it is true that “as I think, so I feel,” it is also true that, “as I feel, so I think.” Feelings are part of the reptilian brain. This concept is part of something called the Triune Brain Theory. In this theory there are three major portions of the brain. The primitive brain, sometimes called the reptilian brain, governs things having to do with immediate survival: Food, fighting, fleeing and reproduction. Next is the limbic system, sometimes called the mammalian brain, responsible for regulating the higher emotions. The third part of the brain is the cerebral cortex, responsible for higher reasoning and logic skills.

In the case of the more visceral emotional responses, the reptilian brain activates first, then the mammalian brain, and finally the reasoning centers. In such a case an automatic emotional response has been activated and the ‘fight or flight’ response is triggered before the higher reasoning centers are even aware of any activity. As noted earlier, such automatic responses are usually operating on the subconscious level, and they are in full swing by the time the rational brain figures out what’s going on.

These feelings then lead to thought processes. These thought processes often become ruminating cycles, and sometimes these ruminating cycles lead to emotional aggression. If these thought processes are leading us to behave in ways that result in consequences we don’t want, it’s a bit more difficult to track down these triggers because they are rooted in subconscious processes.

As noted earlier, these processes leave physiological traces. By using the mindful skills of observing and describing we can tune in to these physical signs. Becoming aware of these early warning signals is a way to ‘shut off’ or slow down automatic processes so the rules can be changed. In this case, the ‘rules’ are the thoughts we have about the feelings. When negative feelings hit, we are conditioned to believe we must do something to make them stop. But by engaging our own internal observer, we can come to realize that feelings are feelings; we don’t have to respond or react to them. At any given time we are in control of what we choose to believe and do about the feelings we are experiencing.

When I teach a Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy class, one of the first questions I ask is, “How many of you in the room here today have never been depressed in your entire life? How many of you here today have never been angry? How many of you here have never been troubled by overpowering emotions?” Of course, nobody raises their hand. We are conditioned to believe that negative and overpowering emotions are somehow “not normal,” but the truth is that expecting never to have negative emotions is like expecting never to have a cloudy day. Cloudy days are natural, but they don’t last forever. If we wait long enough, the sun will shine again. Likewise, if we’re having a bad day emotionally, we don’t have to try to do anything to fix it. If we wait long enough, the feeling will eventually pass.

As I Think, So I Feel: Addictions

I work a lot with people who have addictions. These addictions aren’t necessarily addictions to alcohol and other drugs. People can be addicted to food, to bad relationships, to anger, to emotional aggression, or to a host of other different things and processes. All of these things produce chemical changes in our brains.

Our bodies are complex systems of cycles. These cycles peak and trough throughout the day, and throughout our lifetimes. They come and go in waves. When certain waves peak together, that’s when those addictive cravings hit. We may crave alcohol, or chocolate, or an argument to try to get our systems back in balance. When we’re on top of that craving wave, it can feel like that urge is never going to go away. But since these changes occur in cycles, if you can ‘ride the wave,’ these urges will eventually subside.

If we don’t give in to them, and we learn wait patiently for them to go through their paces by living in the moment, we can take comfort in the fact that they will eventually go away. Mindful Awareness helps us to know our bodies and their complex cycles. It also helps us to know that this too shall pass.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying that recovery takes place “one day at a time.” Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy says that if “one day at a time” is too much, try “one hour at a time.” If “one hour at a time” is too much, try “one minute at a time.” If “one minute at a time” is too much, try “one moment at a time.” Leave Doing Mode by remembering that nothing has to happen right now. You don’t have to ‘fix’ it. You can sit quietly with it and ‘ride the wave’ until it passes.

When you can do so, you will understand how to be in the present with your thoughts and feelings without feeling obligated to respond to them in detrimental ways.

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The Trust Seesaw

the trust seesaw

If you’ve ever watched children at the playground on a seesaw, you know that it takes two people to play. If one gets off, the other cannot play. The expression, “tottering on the brink,” comes from the older name for a seesaw. It was called a ‘teeter-totter.’ If you’ve ever been left dangling in the air and watching the person on the other end prepare to suddenly leap off and send you crashing, then you know exactly what that expression means!

Relationships are like seesaws. It takes two to play. If one person gets off, the other can’t play. There are many kinds of seesaw in relationships. One variety that often comes up when emotional aggression is an issue, is the ‘trust seesaw.’ Trust is a seesaw with two parts. The first part is a person hiding the truth or refusing to communicate. The second part is a person who has created an environment where it’s not safe to tell the truth or to safely communicate about emotional issues

If you react badly every time you hear the truth, don’t expect to hear the truth too often. While deception is a violation of trust, what often gets overlooked is the fact that the reason people resort to deception and sometimes to outright lying is that the other person in the relationship has made it clear that it is not safe to tell the truth.

This vicious cycle is self-reinforcing. The more one person hides the truth, the more the other person reacts badly when the truth finally comes out. The more a person reacts badly upon hearing the truth, the less likely the other person is to feel comfortable telling the truth the next time. The longer this pattern continues, the more likely it is to result in emotional cutoffs where neither side is capable of communicating about emotional issues without resorting to emotional aggression.

Getting off the Trust Seesaw

How do we end this vicious cycle? There are two ways to get off the trust seesaw. The first is that the person who is being deceptive or not communicating the truth can start being truthful. The second is that the person who usually reacts badly to hearing the truth can create a safe environment for truthful communications so that the other person feels comfortable telling the truth.

The difficulty in getting off the trust seesaw is that if one person gets off suddenly, the other is left ‘tottering on the brink.’ Unless both people agree to get off the seesaw, it’s going to be difficult to successfully navigate this territory without one or both parties resorting to some form of emotional aggression.

The best way to avoid this is to agree to communicate openly and honestly about trust while agreeing that there will be no negative repercussions for being honest. Getting off the trust seesaw and fostering mindful communication requires a combination of self-awareness, empathy, and effective communication skills. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this process:

  • Start by reflecting on your own communication patterns and behaviors. Identify any habits that may contribute to the trust seesaw.
  • Practice active listening by giving your full attention to the speaker. This involves making eye contact, nodding, and providing verbal cues to show that you are engaged in the conversation.
  • Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Understand their perspective, emotions, and concerns. Empathy helps build trust by showing that you value and understand their feelings.
  • Be transparent and honest in your communication. Avoid hiding information or misleading others, as this can erode trust.
  • Before speaking, take a moment to consider the impact of your words. Be mindful of your tone, body language, and choice of words to ensure that your message is clear and respectful.
  • Clearly articulate your thoughts and feelings. Use “I” statements to express your own perspective without blaming or accusing others.
  • Learn to manage your emotions during difficult conversations. Take a break if needed to prevent saying things in the heat of the moment that may damage trust.
  • Clearly define and communicate your boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for building and maintaining trust.
  • If you make a mistake or unintentionally hurt someone, apologize sincerely and take responsibility for your actions. Work towards repairing the trust by demonstrating positive changes in your behavior.
  • Consistency in your actions and words is key to building and maintaining trust. Ensure that your behavior aligns with your words over time.
  • Encourage open communication by seeking feedback from others. This shows that you value their opinions and are open to improvement.
  • Engage in mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, to cultivate self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Remember, building trust is a gradual process, and it requires ongoing effort and commitment. By incorporating these strategies into your communication style, you can contribute to a more mindful and trustful relationship.

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The Perfection Triad

perfection triad

Perfectionism can lead to difficulties with emotional aggression. Sometimes emotional aggression occurs because we expect others to be perfect. Sometimes it occurs because we expect ourselves to be perfect. But what does ‘perfect’ really mean? When I teach an ecospirituality group, I often ask several students to describe their ‘perfect’ day. One might say that a perfect day would be spent on the beach with a good book. Another might say that a perfect day might be spent cuddling with a loved one. Yet another might say that a perfect day would be a day doing nothing. All of these answers are different. After gathering all of these responses, I then ask the class, “Okay, which one of you is right?

Of course that question is meaningless, because each person has described the perfect day for him or her. They’re all right answers because they’re the ones choosing what ‘perfect’ means for them.

So what does ‘perfect’ mean? There is no objective definition to the term. Each person defines it for herself or himself. The idea of perfection manifests itself in the Perfection Triad. When the Perfection Triad is internally focused (that is to say, when I’m speaking about myself), it looks like this:

The ‘Perfection Triad’

  1. I make the rule(s)
  2. I break the rule(s)
  3. I punish myself

What this means is that I have made a rule that I must be ‘perfect.’ This rule is destined to be broken, because, as the saying goes, “Nobody’s perfect.” So when I inevitably break the rule that “I must be perfect,” I punish myself by feeling guilty. I may even punish myself by engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.

The good news here is that in all three of the components of the Perfection Triad, “I” am the common factor. Since I’m the one making the rule, I’m the one breaking the rule, and I’m the one punishing myself for breaking the rule, I can change any of the three components to get a better result. Let’s look at what happens to the other two elements when I change any one element. We’ll start with changing “I make the rule.”

If I am making the rule that “I must be perfect,” and then I’m constantly breaking the rule by failing to be perfect, I can choose to change the rule just a little bit. Suppose I change it to something that is more achievable, like, “I’ll always do my best.” This means that I don’t have to be perfect all the time as long as I was acting to the best of my ability. So if that’s the rule, then I’ll rarely break it. If I don’t break the rule, there’s no need to punish myself. So the entire meme has changed to something that is achievable.

What if I changed the component that says, “I break the rule?”

The only way to change this component is to never break the rule. If the rule is, “I must be perfect,” then the only way to avoid breaking the rule is to be perfect all the time. This is what happens with most perfectionists. They try to avoid breaking the rule by attempting to be perfect all the time. Unless they have a very liberal definition of what it means to be perfect, they’re likely to have a hard time keeping this rule, but let’s assume it is possible, by their definition, to manage to be perfect all of the time. In such a case, the rule never gets broken, so there’s no need to punish themselves for changing the rule, and there’s no need to make a different rule as long as they’re able to avoid breaking the rule they have made.

Finally, let’s look at what happens if we change the component that says, “I punish myself.” If I decide to change it to something like, “I won’t punish myself,” then there are no negative consequences for breaking the rule, so there’s no need to make a new rule. There is also no problem, since I’m not punishing myself.

If you find yourself a victim of the Perfection Triad, ask yourself which component would be the easiest to change. Remember that you, and only you, are in control of defining the rules, keeping the rules, and deciding on the punishment, if any.

Sometimes emotional aggression occurs when we expect others to be perfect and they fail to live up to our expectations. This is an external meme because it involves other people, and other people are external to ourselves.
The externally-focused Perfection Triad looks like this:

The ‘Perfection Triad’ (External)

  1. I make the rule(s) for others
  2. Others break my rule(s)
  3. I punish others by engaging in emotional aggression

In this externally-focused triad, we expect others to live up to our expectations of perfection. When they fail to live up to our expectations by breaking our rules, we punish them by engaging in emotionally aggressive attempts to force them to follow our rules. This triad is especially heinous because we are expecting others to live up to our definitions of ‘perfect’ instead of their own definitions.

Once again we can move to a solution-focused meme by changing any one of the components. Let’s start with, “I make the rule for others.” I can change this component by ceasing to make the rule for others, or by making a rule for others that it is possible to follow. In either case, the rule doesn’t get broken, so there is no need to punish them by engaging in emotional aggression.

Another solution-focused approach is for others to simply agree not to break the rules I’ve made for them. This solution is a control-freak’s dream, because it means that if others agree to abide by our rules, we have effectively controlled them. Unfortunately, this is not a real solution, because if others have agreed to allow us to make rules for them, and they’ve agreed not to break the rules we have made, then there is probably some sort of abusive relationship going on. Even so, this is the solution we are attempting to get when we punish others by engaging in emotional aggression after they’ve broken our rules.

The final way to move this triad to a solution-focused one is to change the “I punish others by engaging in emotional aggression” component. The only way to change this component is to cease acting in emotionally aggressive ways when others have broken the rules we have made. If we cease to punish others for breaking our rules, then it doesn’t matter what the rules are, and whether they break them or not. Since there are no negative consequences for not playing by the rules, there is no problem.

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Controlling Others

controlling others

“Never underestimate your power to change yourself; never overestimate your power to change others.”

-H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Controlling others is an attempt to make others responsible for our own emotional states. The actions that happen in our lives lead to a response. That response is a set of beliefs and behaviors about what just happened. When I act on those beliefs by engaging in behaviors, I get consequences. If those consequences are good, nothing has to change. But if those consequences aren’t what I wanted, then the only person who has the power to change that is me. Others cannot change those consequences for me.

How many of your attempts to control others have been the result of your beliefs? Is it difficult to change your beliefs because if you did so you’d have to take responsibility for your own emotional states? It can be pretty scary to assume control of your own life. If you are in control and you fail, then you have nobody to blame but yourself. On the other hand, if you are in control and you succeed, you and you alone are responsible for that success! In that case, you get all the credit!

Emotionally Aggressive Controlling Behaviors

A common excuse for emotionally aggressive controlling behaviors towards others is, “People treat me with disrespect.” While this may be true on occasion, we really have no control over how other people treat us, as much as we might like to think otherwise. The behavior of others is an external event beyond our control. What we can control is how we react to the way we are treated. One way to rephrase the above statement could be, “I can’t help the way others treat me, but I can change the way I react to them.”

There are at least four ways to fail and at least four ways to succeed. Look over the lists below and see if anything from either list sounds familiar:

Controlling Others: Four ways to Fail

  1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: “You always do this…” or “You never do that…”
  2. ‘You’ Statements: “This is all your fault!”
  3. ‘Musterbating:’ “Shoulda, woulda, coulda…”
  4. False Comparisons: “Everybody else gets this, why can’t you?”

Four ways to Succeed

  1. Exceptional Thinking: Look for positive exceptions to the ‘rule’
  2. ‘I’ Statements: “This is how I feel about what you said/did”
  3. ‘Solution-Seeking:’ “What can I do to help so this doesn’t happen again?”
  4. True Comparisons: “You did that much better than other people would have”

The next time you feel the temptation to control the people in your life, review these lists and remind yourself that you can’t control others. You can only control yourself. If you control or change the way you respond to others, then they may be willing to change the way they respond to you.

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