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Controlling Others

controlling others

“Never underestimate your power to change yourself; never overestimate your power to change others.”

-H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Controlling others is an attempt to make others responsible for our own emotional states. The actions that happen in our lives lead to a response. That response is a set of beliefs and behaviors about what just happened. When I act on those beliefs by engaging in behaviors, I get consequences. If those consequences are good, nothing has to change. But if those consequences aren’t what I wanted, then the only person who has the power to change that is me. Others cannot change those consequences for me.

How many of your attempts to control others have been the result of your beliefs? Is it difficult to change your beliefs because if you did so you’d have to take responsibility for your own emotional states? It can be pretty scary to assume control of your own life. If you are in control and you fail, then you have nobody to blame but yourself. On the other hand, if you are in control and you succeed, you and you alone are responsible for that success! In that case, you get all the credit!

Emotionally Aggressive Controlling Behaviors

A common excuse for emotionally aggressive controlling behaviors towards others is, “People treat me with disrespect.” While this may be true on occasion, we really have no control over how other people treat us, as much as we might like to think otherwise. The behavior of others is an external event beyond our control. What we can control is how we react to the way we are treated. One way to rephrase the above statement could be, “I can’t help the way others treat me, but I can change the way I react to them.”

There are at least four ways to fail and at least four ways to succeed. Look over the lists below and see if anything from either list sounds familiar:

Controlling Others: Four ways to Fail

  1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: “You always do this…” or “You never do that…”
  2. ‘You’ Statements: “This is all your fault!”
  3. ‘Musterbating:’ “Shoulda, woulda, coulda…”
  4. False Comparisons: “Everybody else gets this, why can’t you?”

Four ways to Succeed

  1. Exceptional Thinking: Look for positive exceptions to the ‘rule’
  2. ‘I’ Statements: “This is how I feel about what you said/did”
  3. ‘Solution-Seeking:’ “What can I do to help so this doesn’t happen again?”
  4. True Comparisons: “You did that much better than other people would have”

The next time you feel the temptation to control the people in your life, review these lists and remind yourself that you can’t control others. You can only control yourself. If you control or change the way you respond to others, then they may be willing to change the way they respond to you.

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We Value Your Feedback!

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Your feedback can help us improve the user experience for you and for others. At the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC, we believe in providing an exceptional experience that evolves with your needs. We are excited to share our unwavering commitment to continuous improvement!

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Mindful Self-Control

Self-Control Point Ruston letting go

“Happiness is the absence of the pursuit of happiness.”

–Chuang Tsu

Self-control is a requirement for happiness. This quote by Chuang Tsu reminds us that if we are happy, there is no need to pursue happiness, and that if we are pursuing happiness, then it is obvious that we must not be happy! So how can self-control lead to happiness?

Emotional aggression is the pursuit of happiness in unproductive ways. When we act out of emotional aggression, we are trying to get others to be responsible for our happiness. If I rely on others to make me happy, I have just handed control of my life over to others. If others are in control of my happiness, then I can only be happy when they choose to indulge my need for happiness.

The need to control others can sometimes reveal our own insecurities. These insecurities lead to emotional aggression because when we feel vulnerable we feel out of control. When we feel out of control, we sometimes feel that we can regain that control by controlling those around us.

Sometimes the desire to control others manifests in something called self-sabotaging behaviors. A self-sabotaging behavior is a pattern of action that leads us into failure. By deliberately setting ourselves up to fail, we can be attempting to punish those who care about us by punishing ourselves. Sometimes this takes the form of, “I’ll show them! I’ll hurt myself in some way so they’ll regret the way they treated me!”

Ultimately such behaviors are attempts to solicit pity out of others by making them feel guilty. To a person engaged in self-sabotaging behaviors, negative attention is better than no attention at all. In such a case, this person may not know how to seek attention in positive ways, so he attempts to seek attention in the only way he knows how: By injuring himself in some way and hoping this self-injury will cause others to reach out to him.

Another aspect of self-sabotaging is that it is abdicating responsibility to succeed. If I consciously act in ways that go against my own best interests, then I don’t have to try to find a way to be successful. The good news is that you can choose how to feel, and how to behave. In fact, you are the only person who can make that decision for yourself. Another person can never tell you how to feel or how to act.

Self-Control and Beliefs

The key to self-control is to realize that events and circumstances do not cause your reactions. What you believe about events and circumstances cause your reactions. Think about the last time you were stressed out. Were you stressed out because of the events in your life, or were you stressed out because of what you chose to believe about those events? If the stress was a result of the events in your life, then there is nothing you can do to change, and you will never be in control of your own life. You will live like a leaf on the wind, constantly blown to and fro on the winds of chance.

But if the stress was the result of what you chose to believe about those circumstances, then the good news is that you are in control of those beliefs. You can change them so that you are no longer stressed out by life’s bumps and bruises. The choice is up to you. You are in control.

External events – whether in the past, present, or future – cannot influence the way you feel or behave until you become aware of them and begin to think about them. If you had a crisis in your life, but you never knew it happened, would it stress you out? Of course not, because you didn’t even know about it.

So it’s not the events that cause stress. It’s your own beliefs about the events that cause stress. To fear something, or to worry about something, or to react in any other way to something, you have to be thinking about it. The cause of your reaction is not the event – it’s what you tell yourself about the event that causes your reaction.

What are you telling yourself about the circumstances of your life that may be interfering with your ability to control yourself? What alternate narratives could you tell yourself that would increase and enhance your self-control? How can you use your mindful skills to make this happen?

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Mindfulness and Control

mindfulness and control

“He who angers you conquers you.”

-Elizabeth Kenny

Mindful Ecotherapy relies on the 7Cs of family resilience. These resilience factors help you to better weather the storms that come with life.

The second ‘C’ of the 7Cs of family resilience is “control.”

If someone has the ability to anger you, then that person just controlled you.

If you allow others to ‘make’ you feel angry, you have relinquished control over your own emotional well-being.

Similarly, anger is often the result of failed attempts to control others. By analyzing our beliefs about control, we learn to manage our moods so that control is no longer an issue.

Once there was a sculptor who was famous for his carvings of animals. Of all the animals he carved, his elephants were the most lifelike and inspiring. One day an art student came to him and asked him the secret to creating such beautiful elephants.

“The answer,” he said, “Is simple. You just get a block of marble and chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”

When difficulties arise in a relationship, it’s usually because we’ve set out to carve an elephant, but we suddenly find ourselves carving a bear or a donkey or some other animal instead. When this happens, we’ve gotten caught up in the details of living, and we have lost sight of our original goal, the elephant.

Go over your list of standard arguments with your partner, and decide for yourselves which ones will lead to a happier relationship, and which ones involve side issues (i.e., arguments that are not ‘carving the elephant.’) You may disagree with your partner over which ones are which, and that’s okay too.

Maybe your version of the elephant is slightly different from your partner’s version. Just remember that by sharing your vision of a happier relationship with your partner, you can both come to agreement on what sort of elephant you would like to carve together.

The first step is agreeing that you will focus only on those actions that lead to the end result you both want. Once you’ve agreed on that end result, you can both begin to ‘chip away’ anything that doesn’t look like the relationship you both want to share.

Remember to keep it focused on solutions. You can talk about the problem all day if you wish, but that doesn’t do anything to actually solve the problem.

If your intention is to have a happy, healthy relationship, then anything that doesn’t promote that is irrelevant. It’s just marble to be carved away. If you find yourself constantly discussing problems, and never reaching resolution, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” or perhaps, “Is this the elephant I’m trying to carve, or is it just excess marble?”

If both you and your partner have the same intention, then the rest is just details. You’re working towards a common goal, and all that remains is to resolve how you both approach the common goal.

If, on the other hand, you both have different intentions, then you both have different goals. This is the source of a lot of friction in relationships.

Always remember that you can only control your own intentions, and not your partner’s. Use your mindful communication skills to find common ground and to avoid the temptation to try to control others.

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Validating vs. Condoning

Validating vs. Condoning Young Woman Old Woman Optical Illusion

One of the skills of mindful communication is Validating vs. Condoning.

Look at the picture above and describe what you see.

Did you see an old lady, or a young lady? If you saw both, which did you see first?

Now assume your partner saw the old lady in the picture, and you saw the young lady. Which of you would be ‘right’ and which of you would be ‘wrong’?

Obviously, neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ You’re both just looking at the same picture and coming to different conclusions. Suppose you can readily see the old lady, but have a hard time seeing the young lady. Further suppose your partner can readily see the young lady, but has a hard time seeing he old lady. Even though you’re not seeing the same thing your partner sees, would you be able to readily agree that your partner sees it?

Validation works in this way. You can validate your partner’s way of seeing the picture without having to agree with what your partner is seeing. Now let’s apply this to the concept of feelings.

Validating vs. Condoning…What’s the Difference?

How many times have you told yourself not to feel angry, or to cheer up, or to “snap out” of a depression?

How successful were you at changing your feelings? We’re sometimes conditioned to believe that certain feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ while other feelings are okay. But the truth is that there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ feeling. Feelings are feelings. They exist. You cannot help the way you feel about a thing or a situation.

Often when we tell ourselves or others to “snap out of it” or to try to repress certain feelings, what we really mean is to repress certain behaviors. While there are no wrong or problematic feelings, the behavior that comes after the feeling may cause problems. For example, simply feeling anger is perfectly okay. Just being with the anger in the moment is entirely different than feeling anger and then acting upon it in negative and destructive ways.

Validating vs. Condoning: Understanding doesn’t Mean Allowing

If you or your partner is feeling angry, that’s okay. But if you or your partner choose to act on that anger by saying or doing hurtful things, that’s not okay. Both you and your partner have a right to feel what you feel. You just don’t have the right to act on those feelings in negative or destructive ways…especially when others are involved.

If your partner is experiencing negative emotions like anger, sadness, or depression, you can validate their feelings without having to understand and agree with those feelings. You can do this by saying things like, “I understand you’re mad right now. I may not understand why you’re mad right now, but I respect your right to be entitled to your own feelings.”

Notice that this does not mean that you have to validate, condone, or even tolerate bad or negative behaviors. You are simply validating the feelings, and not necessarily the behaviors that come after the feelings.

You and your partner can choose when and how to respond to those feelings and act upon them. You may also choose not to act upon them at all, but to simply acknowledge their presence and sit with them quietly, knowing that they will eventually subside.

When you learn to do this you will be able to validate each other’s feelings without condoning any emotional aggression those feelings might generate.

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Body Communications

Body communications children playing at the beach

Body communications are a way of learning about how our bodies respond to emotional situations.

Automatic processes are processes that we have engaged in so often that we don’t even have to think about them anymore. Remember when you first learned to drive a car? You were probably nervous, trying to remember all the rules of the road, what all the gauges represented, which pedals and switches did what, and so on. But after a few weeks behind the wheel, driving a car is an automatic process. It may become so automatic that you can drive right past your exit while busily eating a cheeseburger and fiddling with the radio.

Riding a bike or roller skating can be an automatic process. Reading a book can be an automatic process. So can washing the dishes, folding laundry, or clicking through the television channels.

Many things in our lives, over time, become automaticized.

Moods can also be automatic processes. Moods are behavioral responses to emotional states. Over time we become accustomed to responding to certain emotions in certain ways. Sometimes these automatic mood processes are conscious, but sometimes they occur on a subconscious level.

Conscious processes are easier to change, simply because if they are conscious processes we are aware of them and we can consciously choose to interrupt the cycle and act in different ways if those automatic emotional processes are leading to results we don’t want.

But what do we do if our automatic mood processes are occurring on a subconscious level? If they’re subconscious, we are not consciously aware of them, so how do we learn to change them?

One answer to this is that subconscious processes often leave visible traces that we can be consciously aware of. Emotions have physiological responses. These physiological responses are body communications.

Body Communications and Subconscious Emotions

In previous blogs we discussed the “reptilian brain” response of ‘fight or flight.’ When that primal part of the brain is activated, the body responds in various ways. The good news is that this is the first part of the brain to be activated when a subconscious emotional process is triggered. This leads to body communications that can help detect these subconscious emotional reactions.

Suppose I’m headed out the door on the way to work and I see the garden hose out of the corner of my eye. Further suppose that the “fight or flight” part of my brain mistakes it for a snake. I have an automatic response. I might be startled and jump, or I might run away. If I turn to look at the garden hose and see that it is just a hose, then my conscious brain takes over and soothes the fight or flight instinct.

In this situation, the first thing that happened was the startle response. This is that subconscious ‘fight or flight’ trigger being activated. The second thing that happened was that my mind became consciously aware that it was a garden hose, and not a threat. My conscious mind became aware of the situation and overrode the subconscious response.

If we can learn to be more in tune with what our bodies are telling us at any given moment, we can be aware of when these automatic subconscious emotional responses are activated.

If we are aware of when these responses have been activated, we can consciously prepare ourselves to avoid acting out in emotionally aggressive ways.

Strong emotions usually have physical precursors. Do you clench your fists when angry? Do you break out in a sweat when anxious? Do you get butterflies in your stomach when confused?

Our bodies communicate emotional reactions before we become consciously aware of them. We can learn to be attuned to these physiological responses so that we can better predict strong emotions and be prepared for them.

How does your body communicate to you?

By becoming aware of these body communications, you are able to better predict when you are about to have a strong emotional reaction so that you can prepare yourself.

Your body is going to do what your body is going to do, but you don’t have to let it push you around! You can choose to be in control! The place to start is to begin to learn how your body reacts in emotionally difficult situations. When you learn your body’s way of communicating, you will be well on the way to modifying your responses to these situations.

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Internal Validation vs. External Validation

Internal vs. external validation emotional aggression

`“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”`

-Richard Bach, author

Internal Validation is the art of validating ourselves. We all like to be validated. It’s why we have relationships in the first place. We enter relationships so that others can support us emotionally. This can become a problem if we come to expect that others are responsible for validating us. Emotional aggression happens when we try to force others to validate us.

While others can choose to validate us by acting in emotionally supportive ways, we can also choose to validate ourselves. If others are validating us, then that validation is external because it is coming from someone besides ourselves. If, however, we are able to meet our own emotional needs, we are internally validated. It’s nice to have both, but there may be times when others cannot satisfy our emotional needs. In those times, it helps to be able to meet those needs ourselves.

The only healthy way to be emotionally validated by others is when others are willingly granting us such validation and support. If we attempt to force such support from others, we are acting from emotional aggression.

If we engage in fault-finding in an attempt to seek validation, we are projecting blame. Projecting blame is emotional aggression, because we are abdicating responsibility for our own emotional validation by attempting to blame, shame, or guilt others into emotionally supporting us against their will.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a guilt-trip, you know that it is not a pleasant experience. If you’ve ever been the victim of a guilt-trip, ask yourself, “Is trying to make me feel guilty more likely or less likely to make me emotionally validate you?”

Now turn that around and put the shoe on the other foot. If you’re projecting blame onto your partner by trying to shame them or guilt them into doing what you want, do you think that such behavior is more likely or less likely to get the results you want?

If others are not meeting your emotional needs, and you are seeking external validation by behaving in emotionally aggressive ways in an attempt to get them to submit to your desires, do you really think you’re going to get the results you want? If the other person was doing it to you, would you be willing to respond in the way that they wanted?

Internal Validation is Loving Yourself

One way to avoid the tendency to engage in emotional aggression is to learn the art of internal validation. To be internally validated is to accept responsibility for your own emotional needs. The way to do this is to learn to love yourself.

Sometimes we get caught up in the idea that loving ourselves is somehow selfish or egotistical. But think about that for a moment. If you don’t love yourself, is it really fair of you to expect anybody else to love you? Not only that, but if you don’t love yourself, and you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you, eventually you might find yourself thinking along these lines, either consciously or unconsciously:

“I don’t really love myself, yet this person loves me. If I don’t love myself, yet this person says they love me, then there must be something wrong with him/her! How could a ‘normal’ person love someone like me, when I can’t even love me?”

If you don’t really love yourself, then you can’t really expect others how to love you in the way you’d like to be loved.

To learn to love yourself, first ask yourself, “Who am I, really?” Be as honest as possible when answering this question. In future weeks there will be an exercise to recognize some self-defeating beliefs and replace them with self-affirming beliefs.

For now, think about ways you can learn to love yourself and be happy in your own skin. It might help to talk these things over with your partner or with a friend or family member. A good way to start is to find out what others like about you.

If you feel uncomfortable asking others what they like about you, you could get the ball rolling by making a list of things you like about others, and sharing it with them. I’m willing to bet that they’d be likely to return the favor.

The more you are willing to do so, the more you’ll be able to self-validate as well.

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Aggressive vs. Assertive Communication

Assertive vs. Aggressive Communication

In mindful communication, we learn to communicate in ways that are assertive rather than aggressive. By setting firm boundaries in non-aggressive ways, our interactions with others become assertive without resulting in hurt feelings, arguments, or conflict.

If setting boundaries does lead to conflict, learning to be assertive rather than aggressive allows us to find peaceful and productive resolutions to differences of opinion.

Assertive Communication: No ‘Buts’

In grad school I had a supervisor who said, “After ‘but’ comes b.s.'”

The first step in moving from aggressive communications to assertive communications is to eliminate the word ‘but’ from our vocabulary. Using the word ‘but’ is rationalizing our behavior, and rationalizing is evading. Evading conflict can be a type of emotional aggression in that we are asking others to interpret what we mean without giving them enough information to draw such conclusions.

Also, using the word ‘but’ means that we’re offering excuses for our behaviors instead of owning up to them and taking responsibility for them. For an example illustrating this point, look at the sentence below:

“I’m sorry I swore at you, BUT it was because you made me angry.”

In this sentence, the person speaking has just rationalized the swearing by making excuses. If this statement was offered as an apology, the sentiment has been weakened because this person has shifted the blame to the other person. The implication is that it is the other person’s fault because the other person did something that the person speaking chose to react angrily towards.

Would it sound more like an apology if this person had simply stopped at the first part of the sentence, leaving everything after the word ‘but’ out? By saying ‘but,’ this person is attempting to manipulate the other person into being responsible for the swearing. He has evaded responsibility by blame-shifting.

Assertive speech agrees with specifics, not with generalizations

The Three Ps are personal, permanent, and pervasive. Statements that include ‘always’ and ‘never’ are broad generalizations that eliminate the possibility of change by stating that one instance of a behavior indicates a permanent or pervasive pattern of behavior. Look at the statement below:

“You always ignore me!”

In the above sentence, the person speaking is attempting to make a particular instance of a behavior permanent and/or pervasive by generalizing it to ‘always.’ If you’re on the receiving end of such a statement, you can agree to a specific instance where you engaged in the behavior without agreeing to the generalization in the following way:

“I’m sorry, I did ignore you that time.”

Here the speaker is agreeing to a specific occurrence of the behavior by using the phrase, “that time.”

When agreeing with a specific instance, you may point out that you are agreeing with that specific instance, as long as you avoid the temptation of following it up with a ‘but,’ such as:

“I’m sorry, I did ignore you that time, but I don’t always ignore you.”

If you add the word ‘but,’ you’re back to rationalizing and evading. When agreeing with a specific instance, you’ll have to trust that the other person understands implicitly that you are not agreeing with the generalization. If you feel tempted to point out that you don’t agree with the generalization, remember to avoid blame-shifting.

Don’t try to make it their responsibility that you behaved in a certain way.

Playing ‘dumb’

If you find yourself the victim of a barrage of criticism, you can de-fuse it by ‘playing dumb.’

You can play ‘dumb’ by asking “What do you mean?” After a critical statement. The idea here is that you are refusing to engage in arguing by asking for specifics in an attempt to understand what’s really bothering the other person.

Children are really good at this. Here’s an example:

Child: “Daddy, why is the sky blue?”
Daddy: “Because the air absorbs all the other colors of light”
Child: “Why does the air absorb all the other colors of light?”
Daddy: “Because the other colors of light bounce off the molecules in the air”
Child: “Why do the other colors bounce off the molecules?”
…and so on, and so forth. You get the idea.

In a relationship, here’s a possible scenario in which ‘playing dumb’ might be used:

Husband: “Why did you look at Jim that way?”
Wife: “I don’t know what you mean. What way was I looking at Jim?”
Husband: “You know…that way.”
Wife: “No, I don’t know what you mean by ‘that way.’”
Husband: “Like you were flirting with him!”
Wife: “What do you mean, ‘flirting with him?’”

The conversation would continue in this manner until the husband realized the absurdity of his assertion and gave up. You have to exercise caution in using this technique. The underlying goal is to illustrate the absurdity of the accusation without letting it turn into a full-blown argument.

Avoid the temptation to become emotionally aggressive when using this one. This should only be used in a playful way, and not in a mean-spirited way.

Assertive communication means admitting your mistakes

Saying, “I’m sorry, I screwed up this time” de-fuses any conflict because if you are agreeing with a person who is attempting to criticize you, there’s nothing to argue about. We have a natural tendency to go into ‘defense mode’ when being accused of something, but if the accusation is true, then there’s nothing to defend against.

For example:

Wife: “You forgot to pick the kids up from soccer practice!”

Husband: “I’m sorry, you’re right! I did forget!”

It will be very tempting, when agreeing with a criticism, to give a reason for your behavior.

You should avoid this temptation for two very important reasons:

  1. If you offer an excuse, you’re evading responsibility for the error; and,
  2. If you offer an excuse, and the other person can invalidate the excuse, then you’re left without a leg to stand on. You don’t have to give a reason.

Just accept responsibility for the error and move on.

Here’s an example to illustrate the point:

Wife: “You forgot to pick the kids up from soccer practice!”

Husband: “I’m sorry, you’re right! I did forget, BUT I had a lot of work to catch up on at the office!”

To start with, there’s that magic word ‘but.’ It’s an attempt to evade responsibility by making an excuse. Furthermore, suppose the wife in the above scenario replies with:

Wife: “All you can think about is work! Sometimes I think you care more about that job than you do about your own children!”

Granted that the wife in the above situation is making a generalization about a specific instance of a behavior, but by making the above statement she has also effectively negated her husband’s excuse and added another accusation on top of it.

If the husband responds in kind, the conversation will degenerate into a series of rationalizations, excuses, and accusations. If you find yourself caught in such an episode of blame-storming, the best response is:

“I’m sorry. What can I do to make it better?”

With this statement, you are showing that you are acknowledging the mistake, and also being proactive in finding a solution by asking the other person to help you to find a solution. This has the added benefit of moving the other person from a problem-focused mode to a solution-focused mode.

Think of it like a game of ping-pong. Every time you are served an accusation or a criticism, hit it back over the net by asking the other person to help you come up with a solution so that it doesn’t happen again. In doing so you’re engaging their help in solving the problem, and you’re not stuck having to guess what sort of solution they might find acceptable, because you’re asking them to tell you instead of having to guess.

Offer a compromise

In any conversation where there is disagreement, there are some areas in which you may be willing to compromise, and there are other areas in which you are not willing to compromise.

An issue in which you are willing to negotiate is a compromise issue. An area in which you are not willing to negotiate is a core issue. The way to tell the difference between a core issue and a compromise issue is to ask, “Will my own feelings of self-respect be compromised if I give in on this issue?”

If the end goal requires you to sacrifice your own sense of self-worth, then it is a core issue, and you should not compromise in that area.

Validate but don’t capitulate

When met with resistance, the way to be assertive without becoming aggressive is to validate the other person’s feelings without allowing them to tread on your boundaries.

You can let them know that while you don’t agree with their feelings, you respect their right to see things the way they see them. Both of you don’t have to agree on every single aspect of life.

For example:

Wife: “George Clooney is the sexiest man alive!”

Husband: “I respect your right to feel that way.”

Here you’ve acknowledged that your partner is entitled to her opinion without you having to share it. Remember that you can always validate your partner’s feelings without having to agree with them.

When you have practiced all these skills you will be well on your way to developing an assertive rather than aggressive communication style.

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Mindful Communication Skills

mindful communication

To be mindful is to be present in the moment. Mindful listening means being present in the conversation, without assumptions or conclusions, and without trying to anticipate what your partner is going to say, or without ‘reading into’ the conversation (assuming things that weren’t really said).

Mindful listening is a practice that involves fully focusing your attention on the speaker and being present in the moment during a conversation. It goes beyond simply hearing the words spoken and involves a deep, non-judgmental awareness of the speaker’s words, tone, and body language. The goal of mindful listening is to understand the speaker’s message without immediately formulating your own response or judgment.

Mindful Listening

The list below covers 12 basic Mindful Listening Skills. Before beginning any mindful communication, first ask yourself two questions:

1. What am I trying to accomplish by having this conversation?

2. Is what I’m about to say going to accomplish this goal?

Once you have clarified your objectives with these questions, the Mindful Listening list below will help you to listen effectively.

The first step in being a good communicator is to be a good listener. Here are some Mindful Listening tips to help you improve your listening skills:

  1. Stop what you are doing and give your full attention to the person.
  2. Look at the other person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment with him/her, without thoughts about past problems or future worries.
  3. Be silent. Allow the other person to speak in their own way and in their own time. Don’t’ interrupt. Don’t anticipate what they’re going to say. If you’re thinking ahead to how you’re going to respond, or trying to figure out what they’re going to say next, you’re not paying attention. You’re not listening in the moment.
  4. Use phrases that encourage the other person to problem-solve. “What do you want to happen in this situation?” or “How can I help in this situation?” Don’t assume what they expect to happen. Let them tell you.
  5. Avoid the temptation of making the other person’s choices for them. Allow them to reach their own conclusions.
  6. Acknowledge that you are listening by reflecting back what you hear.
  7. Use open-ended questions that encourage the other person to keep talking. “Tell me more about that,” or “How did you feel when that happened,” or “Then what happened?”
  8. Pay attention to the other person’s non-verbal language. Does the other person look attentive? Is the other person happy, sad, afraid, anxious or confused?
  9. Listen for and name feelings you think you hear from the other person. Confirm that this is indeed what the other person is feeling by checking in with them: “Sounds like you were angry about that,” or “You seem to be really happy about that!”
  10. Don’t try to tell the other person what they’re feeling! Don’t deny, discourage, or minimize their feelings. Instead, model positive behaviors as an alternative to not-so-positive behaviors. Don’t tell them how they feel. Let them tell you!
  11. Remember that there is a difference between validating the feeling and validating the behavior! There is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ feeling; the behavior that follows the feeling is where the problem lies. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to abuse someone else when you’re angry. It is okay to talk about your anger with another person, preferably the person with whom you are angry.
  12. Explain your feelings, but don’t use defensive statements in an effort to rationalize or excuse your behavior. Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings, words and behavior, and allow the other person to do the same.

Practice these skill and you will be well on your way to being a better, more mindful listener.

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Mindful Communication

Mindful communication means being present in the moment for the conversation

Many of the difficulties in relationships occur due to miscommunication. But by learning to be assertive instead of aggressive, we can learn to communicate well in a mindful fashion.

Mindful communication means being present in the moment within the conversation, without making assumptions about the meaning or intent behind the other person’s communication.

To be mindful is to be present in the moment. To listen mindfully means to be present in the conversation, without assumptions or conclusions, and without trying to anticipate what your partner is going to say, or without “reading into” the conversation by assuming things that weren’t really said or intended.

Mindful communication takes place on many levels. Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, researches nonverbal communication. In his research he found that only 7% of any message is conveyed through words. Of the rest, about 38% of communication is accomplished through tone, inflection, and presentation, and about 55% of communication comes through our body language, gestures, and facial expressions.

This means that about 93% of all of our communication is non-verbal! To communicate mindfully is to be aware of these factors as well. When communicating with others, be aware of your body posture, your tone of voice, the volume of your voice, your facial expressions, and your inflection.

The 7Cs of family resilience lead to more positive, mindful, and solution-focused relationships.

In the next few weeks we’ll be talking about the first “C” of communication, and how to mindfully communicate.