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Why We Don’t Support Facebook or X-Twitter

Boycott Facebook and X-Twitter

You may have noticed that the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC does not have a Facebook or a Twitter presence. There are multiple reasons for this, but the main reason is that both of those platforms are discriminatory against the LGBTQ+ community, women, and other minorities.

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) had this to say about Facebook:

When we spoke on social media about our experience, other LGBTQ people shared similar stories of being censored by Facebook. These are not isolated incidents. In fact, we learned that Facebook has a history of censoring LGBTQ advertisers. And Facebook’s problems are not limited to the LGBTQ community, Black creators documenting police violence have recently seen their pages temporarily taken down completely. Facebook calls these “mistakes” but isn’t doing enough to stop them from happening again.

Facebook is a platform that claims to connect people, so why does their platform silence LGBTQ voices and prevent them from connecting with their communities? Facebook has a responsibility to represent everyone in a fair and just manner. That means addressing how the LGBTQ community can feel at home on Facebook when the platform appears to discriminate against members of our community for showing who we are.

Twitter, now known as “X”, or as I like to call it, X-Twitter, is no better.

According to a story from PBS, Twitter is the LEAST SAFE for the LGBTQ+ community:

GLAAD’s scorecard called it “the most dangerous platform for LGBTQ people” and the only one that saw its scores decline from last year.

Twitter ‘s communications staff was eradicated after Musk took over the company and for months inquiries to the press office have been answered only an automated reply of a poop emoji, as was the case when The Associated Press reached out to the company for comment.

LGBTQ+ advocates have long warned that online hate and harassment can lead to violence offline. But even when it does not, online abuse can take a toll on a person’s mental health.

“There isn’t a week that goes by that we don’t have a doxxing situation for somebody in our community that we have to come in and help them stop it and stop the hate, stop the vitriol and stop the attacks,” said GLAAD CEO and President Sarah Kate Ellis referring to the malicious practice that involves gathering private or identifying information and releasing it online without the person’s permission, usually in an attempt to harass, threaten, shame or exact revenge. “It’s really been amped up to a level that we’ve never seen before.”

On Twitter, attacks on LGBTQ+ users have increased substantially since Elon Musk took over the company last fall, according to multiple advocacy groups.

For this reason, the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC does not now have, nor will we ever have, either a Facebook or a Twitter profile. We support our LGBTQ+ community as well as all minority communities, and will always advocate for LGBTQ+ and other minority rights.

If you would like to join us by boycotting either or both platforms, please feel free to tell us about it in the comments below!

You might also wish to contact Facebook and Twitter and let them know how you feel about their policies. The contact information is below for both platforms.

Facebook Complaints

Dial the Facebook Customer Service Phone Number (844)-457-0351 to reach Facebook directly.

Using +1-(844)-457-0351, you can complain to Facebook directly. This number is available 24 hours a day and seven days a week.

Ways to Contact Facebook Support

Select Report a problem
If you face platform problems, you can report it directly to the Facebook team. This can be done by choosing “Report a Problem” under the Help menu.

Facebook Support Phone Number
The Facebook Customer Support Number is 844-457-0351, and users can use this number to speak directly to a live person.

Facebook Support Email
Use support@fb.com to get general support from Facebook.
Send an email to press@fb.com if you need press-related inquiries.
Users can use appeals@fb.com to appeal against blocked content.
You can report content against Facebook’s guidelines via abuse@fb.com.
Write an email to ip@fb.com to resolve intellectual property-related queries.

Offline Facebook support
If you cannot file a complaint through the above methods, you can write a letter and send it to the following address:

Facebook Headquarters
1 Hacker Way
Menlo Park, CA 94025
United States of America

1-844-457-0351


Can you email Facebook about a complaint?
Yes, you can email the Facebook team regarding a complaint. Use the platformcs@support.facebook.com address to reach them regarding any financial issues related to your account. You can also use abuse@fb.com to report anything on Facebook against the Facebook Community Standards.

Dial the Facebook Support Number 1-844-457-0351 to contact Facebook customer service directly. This number will let you speak directly to a live person on Facebook.

X-Twitter

Unfortunately, Twitter doesn’t care enough about its users to offer a direct way to file a complaint. The best you can do is follow the information below, but be aware that you probably won’t get a response.

There is no way to contact X by phone, email, or DM directly, but you can create a support ticket at

https://help.twitter.com/en/forms

You might try contacting their advertising department should you decide to boycott X-Twitter.

To reach X’s advertising support team, fill out a form at

https://ads.twitter.com/en/help

You might also inform their investor team and let them know you’re planning a boycott.
You can reach this department at

https://investor.twitterinc.com/contact/default.aspx

If you decide to take action, please let us know how it turned out! Both Facebook and X-Twitter have been notorious about not responding to customer concerns. But together we can make a difference! When it starts affecting their bottom line, only then will they change! Contact us and let us know what you think!

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Choices and Ruminating Cycles

Snowballing ruminating cycle

Our choices are sometimes a result of our ruminating cycles. Have you ever had a thought that led to another thought, and then another, and so on until your thoughts are snowballing out of control? If so, you’ve experienced a ruminating cycle. When we make choices after engaging in ruminating cycles like this, our choices aren’t usually the type of decisions that yield positive consequences.

Sometimes we make choices in an effort to quell such ruminations. When that happens, those choices may not produce the optimal outcome.

This is because our beliefs are a result of our thoughts and feelings. If our beliefs and choices are leading us to experience consequences that we don’t want, we can learn consciously change those thoughts and beliefs to create consequences that we do want. Poor choices are the result of negative cycles. Stress and anxiety are also usually the results of negative ruminating cycles.

Ruminating Cycle Exercise

Think about a time when you had a negative cycle and acted on it. How did the choices you made lead to consequences you didn’t want? It may help to write down that cycle on a piece of paper, using as much detail as possible. Feel free to get as personal as necessary to complete the exercise.

Here are the instructions for writing down your negative snowballing cycle:

  1. In the circle in the center of the page, write down the trigger that began the negative cycle. What happened that started the negative thought process? What did you think about what happened?
  2. Next, look at the trigger in the center circle, and write down the first thing that comes to mind. Write it next to the circle, and draw a circle around that thought and connect it back to the center circle.
  3. Now write down the next thing that comes to mind when you think about your trigger statement, and write it down as well. Draw a circle around it and connect it back to the center circle as well.
  4. Continue this process until you can’t think of anything else, or until the center circle is surrounded by other circled thoughts.
  5. Next, pick one of those circled thoughts and think about the first thing that comes to mind in response to that thought. Write it in a circle and connect it back to the thought that originated it.
  6. Go on in a similar fashion, listing all the thoughts in your ruminating cycle and linking them back to the thoughts that spawned them. Work outward in concentric ‘circles of circles’ until complete.

Choices and Ruminations

Triggers can lead to ruminating cycles if we choose to let them. Negative ruminating cycles can lead to poor choices, and poor choices can lead to adverse consequences. The more steps in a ruminating cycle we can identify, the more opportunities we have to change them or to stop them completely!
Refer to the Ruminating Cycle Graph you just completed in the previous exercise, and answer the following questions:

  • What are the triggers that activate your ruminating cycle?
  • What assumptions are sustaining your snowballing?
  • What perceptions are sustaining your cycle?
  • What feelings are sustaining your ruminating cycle?
  • What thoughts are sustaining your snowballing?
  • What beliefs are sustaining your cycle?
  • What physiological cues are sustaining your ruminating cycle?
  • What choices are sustaining your negative cycles?
  • What are the consequences of sustaining your snowballing?
  • What is your intention in engaging in this negative cycle?

Look at your answers to the questions above. Which of these answers would help you to either stop your negative ruminating cycle or to change it to a positive ruminating cycle? Why?

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As I Think, so I Feel

As I Think, So I Feel - Feelings and Thoughts

“People feel disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.”

–Epictetus, 1st Century Philosopher

As Epictetus reminds us, as I think, so I feel. Thoughts cause feelings and feelings can cause behaviors if we let them.

Events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then create feelings. Events and circumstances do not cause our feelings. The thoughts (beliefs) we have about events and circumstances cause our feelings. We can consciously change our feelings about things by changing the thoughts and beliefs we have about things.

By examining the rules we have made for ourselves and for others, we can learn to change them so that we have different feelings. In the example from the trust seesaw last week, suppose I have a child who has been lying to me. If I have a belief that my child is showing disrespect by lying to me, I will probably be angry and upset that my child chose to be deceptive. What if I could change that belief? What if I consciously decided that my child’s lie was because I hadn’t made my child feel that it was safe to tell me the truth? How might that change my emotional reaction? Would it change how I felt about the situation?

By changing our thoughts about a given situation, we can control the feelings we have about that situation.

“As I Feel, so I Think”

While it is true that “as I think, so I feel,” it is also true that, “as I feel, so I think.” Feelings are part of the reptilian brain. This concept is part of something called the Triune Brain Theory. In this theory there are three major portions of the brain. The primitive brain, sometimes called the reptilian brain, governs things having to do with immediate survival: Food, fighting, fleeing and reproduction. Next is the limbic system, sometimes called the mammalian brain, responsible for regulating the higher emotions. The third part of the brain is the cerebral cortex, responsible for higher reasoning and logic skills.

In the case of the more visceral emotional responses, the reptilian brain activates first, then the mammalian brain, and finally the reasoning centers. In such a case an automatic emotional response has been activated and the ‘fight or flight’ response is triggered before the higher reasoning centers are even aware of any activity. As noted earlier, such automatic responses are usually operating on the subconscious level, and they are in full swing by the time the rational brain figures out what’s going on.

These feelings then lead to thought processes. These thought processes often become ruminating cycles, and sometimes these ruminating cycles lead to emotional aggression. If these thought processes are leading us to behave in ways that result in consequences we don’t want, it’s a bit more difficult to track down these triggers because they are rooted in subconscious processes.

As noted earlier, these processes leave physiological traces. By using the mindful skills of observing and describing we can tune in to these physical signs. Becoming aware of these early warning signals is a way to ‘shut off’ or slow down automatic processes so the rules can be changed. In this case, the ‘rules’ are the thoughts we have about the feelings. When negative feelings hit, we are conditioned to believe we must do something to make them stop. But by engaging our own internal observer, we can come to realize that feelings are feelings; we don’t have to respond or react to them. At any given time we are in control of what we choose to believe and do about the feelings we are experiencing.

When I teach a Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy class, one of the first questions I ask is, “How many of you in the room here today have never been depressed in your entire life? How many of you here today have never been angry? How many of you here have never been troubled by overpowering emotions?” Of course, nobody raises their hand. We are conditioned to believe that negative and overpowering emotions are somehow “not normal,” but the truth is that expecting never to have negative emotions is like expecting never to have a cloudy day. Cloudy days are natural, but they don’t last forever. If we wait long enough, the sun will shine again. Likewise, if we’re having a bad day emotionally, we don’t have to try to do anything to fix it. If we wait long enough, the feeling will eventually pass.

As I Think, So I Feel: Addictions

I work a lot with people who have addictions. These addictions aren’t necessarily addictions to alcohol and other drugs. People can be addicted to food, to bad relationships, to anger, to emotional aggression, or to a host of other different things and processes. All of these things produce chemical changes in our brains.

Our bodies are complex systems of cycles. These cycles peak and trough throughout the day, and throughout our lifetimes. They come and go in waves. When certain waves peak together, that’s when those addictive cravings hit. We may crave alcohol, or chocolate, or an argument to try to get our systems back in balance. When we’re on top of that craving wave, it can feel like that urge is never going to go away. But since these changes occur in cycles, if you can ‘ride the wave,’ these urges will eventually subside.

If we don’t give in to them, and we learn wait patiently for them to go through their paces by living in the moment, we can take comfort in the fact that they will eventually go away. Mindful Awareness helps us to know our bodies and their complex cycles. It also helps us to know that this too shall pass.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying that recovery takes place “one day at a time.” Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy says that if “one day at a time” is too much, try “one hour at a time.” If “one hour at a time” is too much, try “one minute at a time.” If “one minute at a time” is too much, try “one moment at a time.” Leave Doing Mode by remembering that nothing has to happen right now. You don’t have to ‘fix’ it. You can sit quietly with it and ‘ride the wave’ until it passes.

When you can do so, you will understand how to be in the present with your thoughts and feelings without feeling obligated to respond to them in detrimental ways.

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The Trust Seesaw

the trust seesaw

If you’ve ever watched children at the playground on a seesaw, you know that it takes two people to play. If one gets off, the other cannot play. The expression, “tottering on the brink,” comes from the older name for a seesaw. It was called a ‘teeter-totter.’ If you’ve ever been left dangling in the air and watching the person on the other end prepare to suddenly leap off and send you crashing, then you know exactly what that expression means!

Relationships are like seesaws. It takes two to play. If one person gets off, the other can’t play. There are many kinds of seesaw in relationships. One variety that often comes up when emotional aggression is an issue, is the ‘trust seesaw.’ Trust is a seesaw with two parts. The first part is a person hiding the truth or refusing to communicate. The second part is a person who has created an environment where it’s not safe to tell the truth or to safely communicate about emotional issues

If you react badly every time you hear the truth, don’t expect to hear the truth too often. While deception is a violation of trust, what often gets overlooked is the fact that the reason people resort to deception and sometimes to outright lying is that the other person in the relationship has made it clear that it is not safe to tell the truth.

This vicious cycle is self-reinforcing. The more one person hides the truth, the more the other person reacts badly when the truth finally comes out. The more a person reacts badly upon hearing the truth, the less likely the other person is to feel comfortable telling the truth the next time. The longer this pattern continues, the more likely it is to result in emotional cutoffs where neither side is capable of communicating about emotional issues without resorting to emotional aggression.

Getting off the Trust Seesaw

How do we end this vicious cycle? There are two ways to get off the trust seesaw. The first is that the person who is being deceptive or not communicating the truth can start being truthful. The second is that the person who usually reacts badly to hearing the truth can create a safe environment for truthful communications so that the other person feels comfortable telling the truth.

The difficulty in getting off the trust seesaw is that if one person gets off suddenly, the other is left ‘tottering on the brink.’ Unless both people agree to get off the seesaw, it’s going to be difficult to successfully navigate this territory without one or both parties resorting to some form of emotional aggression.

The best way to avoid this is to agree to communicate openly and honestly about trust while agreeing that there will be no negative repercussions for being honest. Getting off the trust seesaw and fostering mindful communication requires a combination of self-awareness, empathy, and effective communication skills. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this process:

  • Start by reflecting on your own communication patterns and behaviors. Identify any habits that may contribute to the trust seesaw.
  • Practice active listening by giving your full attention to the speaker. This involves making eye contact, nodding, and providing verbal cues to show that you are engaged in the conversation.
  • Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Understand their perspective, emotions, and concerns. Empathy helps build trust by showing that you value and understand their feelings.
  • Be transparent and honest in your communication. Avoid hiding information or misleading others, as this can erode trust.
  • Before speaking, take a moment to consider the impact of your words. Be mindful of your tone, body language, and choice of words to ensure that your message is clear and respectful.
  • Clearly articulate your thoughts and feelings. Use “I” statements to express your own perspective without blaming or accusing others.
  • Learn to manage your emotions during difficult conversations. Take a break if needed to prevent saying things in the heat of the moment that may damage trust.
  • Clearly define and communicate your boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for building and maintaining trust.
  • If you make a mistake or unintentionally hurt someone, apologize sincerely and take responsibility for your actions. Work towards repairing the trust by demonstrating positive changes in your behavior.
  • Consistency in your actions and words is key to building and maintaining trust. Ensure that your behavior aligns with your words over time.
  • Encourage open communication by seeking feedback from others. This shows that you value their opinions and are open to improvement.
  • Engage in mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, to cultivate self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Remember, building trust is a gradual process, and it requires ongoing effort and commitment. By incorporating these strategies into your communication style, you can contribute to a more mindful and trustful relationship.

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The Perfection Triad

perfection triad

Perfectionism can lead to difficulties with emotional aggression. Sometimes emotional aggression occurs because we expect others to be perfect. Sometimes it occurs because we expect ourselves to be perfect. But what does ‘perfect’ really mean? When I teach an ecospirituality group, I often ask several students to describe their ‘perfect’ day. One might say that a perfect day would be spent on the beach with a good book. Another might say that a perfect day might be spent cuddling with a loved one. Yet another might say that a perfect day would be a day doing nothing. All of these answers are different. After gathering all of these responses, I then ask the class, “Okay, which one of you is right?

Of course that question is meaningless, because each person has described the perfect day for him or her. They’re all right answers because they’re the ones choosing what ‘perfect’ means for them.

So what does ‘perfect’ mean? There is no objective definition to the term. Each person defines it for herself or himself. The idea of perfection manifests itself in the Perfection Triad. When the Perfection Triad is internally focused (that is to say, when I’m speaking about myself), it looks like this:

The ‘Perfection Triad’

  1. I make the rule(s)
  2. I break the rule(s)
  3. I punish myself

What this means is that I have made a rule that I must be ‘perfect.’ This rule is destined to be broken, because, as the saying goes, “Nobody’s perfect.” So when I inevitably break the rule that “I must be perfect,” I punish myself by feeling guilty. I may even punish myself by engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.

The good news here is that in all three of the components of the Perfection Triad, “I” am the common factor. Since I’m the one making the rule, I’m the one breaking the rule, and I’m the one punishing myself for breaking the rule, I can change any of the three components to get a better result. Let’s look at what happens to the other two elements when I change any one element. We’ll start with changing “I make the rule.”

If I am making the rule that “I must be perfect,” and then I’m constantly breaking the rule by failing to be perfect, I can choose to change the rule just a little bit. Suppose I change it to something that is more achievable, like, “I’ll always do my best.” This means that I don’t have to be perfect all the time as long as I was acting to the best of my ability. So if that’s the rule, then I’ll rarely break it. If I don’t break the rule, there’s no need to punish myself. So the entire meme has changed to something that is achievable.

What if I changed the component that says, “I break the rule?”

The only way to change this component is to never break the rule. If the rule is, “I must be perfect,” then the only way to avoid breaking the rule is to be perfect all the time. This is what happens with most perfectionists. They try to avoid breaking the rule by attempting to be perfect all the time. Unless they have a very liberal definition of what it means to be perfect, they’re likely to have a hard time keeping this rule, but let’s assume it is possible, by their definition, to manage to be perfect all of the time. In such a case, the rule never gets broken, so there’s no need to punish themselves for changing the rule, and there’s no need to make a different rule as long as they’re able to avoid breaking the rule they have made.

Finally, let’s look at what happens if we change the component that says, “I punish myself.” If I decide to change it to something like, “I won’t punish myself,” then there are no negative consequences for breaking the rule, so there’s no need to make a new rule. There is also no problem, since I’m not punishing myself.

If you find yourself a victim of the Perfection Triad, ask yourself which component would be the easiest to change. Remember that you, and only you, are in control of defining the rules, keeping the rules, and deciding on the punishment, if any.

Sometimes emotional aggression occurs when we expect others to be perfect and they fail to live up to our expectations. This is an external meme because it involves other people, and other people are external to ourselves.
The externally-focused Perfection Triad looks like this:

The ‘Perfection Triad’ (External)

  1. I make the rule(s) for others
  2. Others break my rule(s)
  3. I punish others by engaging in emotional aggression

In this externally-focused triad, we expect others to live up to our expectations of perfection. When they fail to live up to our expectations by breaking our rules, we punish them by engaging in emotionally aggressive attempts to force them to follow our rules. This triad is especially heinous because we are expecting others to live up to our definitions of ‘perfect’ instead of their own definitions.

Once again we can move to a solution-focused meme by changing any one of the components. Let’s start with, “I make the rule for others.” I can change this component by ceasing to make the rule for others, or by making a rule for others that it is possible to follow. In either case, the rule doesn’t get broken, so there is no need to punish them by engaging in emotional aggression.

Another solution-focused approach is for others to simply agree not to break the rules I’ve made for them. This solution is a control-freak’s dream, because it means that if others agree to abide by our rules, we have effectively controlled them. Unfortunately, this is not a real solution, because if others have agreed to allow us to make rules for them, and they’ve agreed not to break the rules we have made, then there is probably some sort of abusive relationship going on. Even so, this is the solution we are attempting to get when we punish others by engaging in emotional aggression after they’ve broken our rules.

The final way to move this triad to a solution-focused one is to change the “I punish others by engaging in emotional aggression” component. The only way to change this component is to cease acting in emotionally aggressive ways when others have broken the rules we have made. If we cease to punish others for breaking our rules, then it doesn’t matter what the rules are, and whether they break them or not. Since there are no negative consequences for not playing by the rules, there is no problem.

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Controlling Others

controlling others

“Never underestimate your power to change yourself; never overestimate your power to change others.”

-H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Controlling others is an attempt to make others responsible for our own emotional states. The actions that happen in our lives lead to a response. That response is a set of beliefs and behaviors about what just happened. When I act on those beliefs by engaging in behaviors, I get consequences. If those consequences are good, nothing has to change. But if those consequences aren’t what I wanted, then the only person who has the power to change that is me. Others cannot change those consequences for me.

How many of your attempts to control others have been the result of your beliefs? Is it difficult to change your beliefs because if you did so you’d have to take responsibility for your own emotional states? It can be pretty scary to assume control of your own life. If you are in control and you fail, then you have nobody to blame but yourself. On the other hand, if you are in control and you succeed, you and you alone are responsible for that success! In that case, you get all the credit!

Emotionally Aggressive Controlling Behaviors

A common excuse for emotionally aggressive controlling behaviors towards others is, “People treat me with disrespect.” While this may be true on occasion, we really have no control over how other people treat us, as much as we might like to think otherwise. The behavior of others is an external event beyond our control. What we can control is how we react to the way we are treated. One way to rephrase the above statement could be, “I can’t help the way others treat me, but I can change the way I react to them.”

There are at least four ways to fail and at least four ways to succeed. Look over the lists below and see if anything from either list sounds familiar:

Controlling Others: Four ways to Fail

  1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: “You always do this…” or “You never do that…”
  2. ‘You’ Statements: “This is all your fault!”
  3. ‘Musterbating:’ “Shoulda, woulda, coulda…”
  4. False Comparisons: “Everybody else gets this, why can’t you?”

Four ways to Succeed

  1. Exceptional Thinking: Look for positive exceptions to the ‘rule’
  2. ‘I’ Statements: “This is how I feel about what you said/did”
  3. ‘Solution-Seeking:’ “What can I do to help so this doesn’t happen again?”
  4. True Comparisons: “You did that much better than other people would have”

The next time you feel the temptation to control the people in your life, review these lists and remind yourself that you can’t control others. You can only control yourself. If you control or change the way you respond to others, then they may be willing to change the way they respond to you.

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We Value Your Feedback!

help us improve we value your feedback

Your feedback can help us improve the user experience for you and for others. At the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC, we believe in providing an exceptional experience that evolves with your needs. We are excited to share our unwavering commitment to continuous improvement!

Your satisfaction is our priority. We actively seek and value your feedback to understand your expectations better. We are dedicated to hearing your thoughts on how we can enhance your experience.

Expect regular updates and enhancements to our content, features, and design. Our team is continuously working behind the scenes to address bugs, optimize performance, and introduce new functionalities to keep pace with your ever-changing needs.

Your concerns matter to us. Our customer support is here to address your queries promptly and transparently. Your interactions with us not only resolve immediate issues but also contribute to our ongoing efforts to enhance your experience.

We also have a forum where you can ask questions and post suggestions!

You can help us help you by taking the time to respond to the brief survey below. We value your feedback!

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Mindful Self-Control

Self-Control Point Ruston letting go

“Happiness is the absence of the pursuit of happiness.”

–Chuang Tsu

Self-control is a requirement for happiness. This quote by Chuang Tsu reminds us that if we are happy, there is no need to pursue happiness, and that if we are pursuing happiness, then it is obvious that we must not be happy! So how can self-control lead to happiness?

Emotional aggression is the pursuit of happiness in unproductive ways. When we act out of emotional aggression, we are trying to get others to be responsible for our happiness. If I rely on others to make me happy, I have just handed control of my life over to others. If others are in control of my happiness, then I can only be happy when they choose to indulge my need for happiness.

The need to control others can sometimes reveal our own insecurities. These insecurities lead to emotional aggression because when we feel vulnerable we feel out of control. When we feel out of control, we sometimes feel that we can regain that control by controlling those around us.

Sometimes the desire to control others manifests in something called self-sabotaging behaviors. A self-sabotaging behavior is a pattern of action that leads us into failure. By deliberately setting ourselves up to fail, we can be attempting to punish those who care about us by punishing ourselves. Sometimes this takes the form of, “I’ll show them! I’ll hurt myself in some way so they’ll regret the way they treated me!”

Ultimately such behaviors are attempts to solicit pity out of others by making them feel guilty. To a person engaged in self-sabotaging behaviors, negative attention is better than no attention at all. In such a case, this person may not know how to seek attention in positive ways, so he attempts to seek attention in the only way he knows how: By injuring himself in some way and hoping this self-injury will cause others to reach out to him.

Another aspect of self-sabotaging is that it is abdicating responsibility to succeed. If I consciously act in ways that go against my own best interests, then I don’t have to try to find a way to be successful. The good news is that you can choose how to feel, and how to behave. In fact, you are the only person who can make that decision for yourself. Another person can never tell you how to feel or how to act.

Self-Control and Beliefs

The key to self-control is to realize that events and circumstances do not cause your reactions. What you believe about events and circumstances cause your reactions. Think about the last time you were stressed out. Were you stressed out because of the events in your life, or were you stressed out because of what you chose to believe about those events? If the stress was a result of the events in your life, then there is nothing you can do to change, and you will never be in control of your own life. You will live like a leaf on the wind, constantly blown to and fro on the winds of chance.

But if the stress was the result of what you chose to believe about those circumstances, then the good news is that you are in control of those beliefs. You can change them so that you are no longer stressed out by life’s bumps and bruises. The choice is up to you. You are in control.

External events – whether in the past, present, or future – cannot influence the way you feel or behave until you become aware of them and begin to think about them. If you had a crisis in your life, but you never knew it happened, would it stress you out? Of course not, because you didn’t even know about it.

So it’s not the events that cause stress. It’s your own beliefs about the events that cause stress. To fear something, or to worry about something, or to react in any other way to something, you have to be thinking about it. The cause of your reaction is not the event – it’s what you tell yourself about the event that causes your reaction.

What are you telling yourself about the circumstances of your life that may be interfering with your ability to control yourself? What alternate narratives could you tell yourself that would increase and enhance your self-control? How can you use your mindful skills to make this happen?

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Mindfulness and Control

mindfulness and control

“He who angers you conquers you.”

-Elizabeth Kenny

Mindful Ecotherapy relies on the 7Cs of family resilience. These resilience factors help you to better weather the storms that come with life.

The second ‘C’ of the 7Cs of family resilience is “control.”

If someone has the ability to anger you, then that person just controlled you.

If you allow others to ‘make’ you feel angry, you have relinquished control over your own emotional well-being.

Similarly, anger is often the result of failed attempts to control others. By analyzing our beliefs about control, we learn to manage our moods so that control is no longer an issue.

Once there was a sculptor who was famous for his carvings of animals. Of all the animals he carved, his elephants were the most lifelike and inspiring. One day an art student came to him and asked him the secret to creating such beautiful elephants.

“The answer,” he said, “Is simple. You just get a block of marble and chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”

When difficulties arise in a relationship, it’s usually because we’ve set out to carve an elephant, but we suddenly find ourselves carving a bear or a donkey or some other animal instead. When this happens, we’ve gotten caught up in the details of living, and we have lost sight of our original goal, the elephant.

Go over your list of standard arguments with your partner, and decide for yourselves which ones will lead to a happier relationship, and which ones involve side issues (i.e., arguments that are not ‘carving the elephant.’) You may disagree with your partner over which ones are which, and that’s okay too.

Maybe your version of the elephant is slightly different from your partner’s version. Just remember that by sharing your vision of a happier relationship with your partner, you can both come to agreement on what sort of elephant you would like to carve together.

The first step is agreeing that you will focus only on those actions that lead to the end result you both want. Once you’ve agreed on that end result, you can both begin to ‘chip away’ anything that doesn’t look like the relationship you both want to share.

Remember to keep it focused on solutions. You can talk about the problem all day if you wish, but that doesn’t do anything to actually solve the problem.

If your intention is to have a happy, healthy relationship, then anything that doesn’t promote that is irrelevant. It’s just marble to be carved away. If you find yourself constantly discussing problems, and never reaching resolution, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” or perhaps, “Is this the elephant I’m trying to carve, or is it just excess marble?”

If both you and your partner have the same intention, then the rest is just details. You’re working towards a common goal, and all that remains is to resolve how you both approach the common goal.

If, on the other hand, you both have different intentions, then you both have different goals. This is the source of a lot of friction in relationships.

Always remember that you can only control your own intentions, and not your partner’s. Use your mindful communication skills to find common ground and to avoid the temptation to try to control others.

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Validating vs. Condoning

Validating vs. Condoning Young Woman Old Woman Optical Illusion

One of the skills of mindful communication is Validating vs. Condoning.

Look at the picture above and describe what you see.

Did you see an old lady, or a young lady? If you saw both, which did you see first?

Now assume your partner saw the old lady in the picture, and you saw the young lady. Which of you would be ‘right’ and which of you would be ‘wrong’?

Obviously, neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ You’re both just looking at the same picture and coming to different conclusions. Suppose you can readily see the old lady, but have a hard time seeing the young lady. Further suppose your partner can readily see the young lady, but has a hard time seeing he old lady. Even though you’re not seeing the same thing your partner sees, would you be able to readily agree that your partner sees it?

Validation works in this way. You can validate your partner’s way of seeing the picture without having to agree with what your partner is seeing. Now let’s apply this to the concept of feelings.

Validating vs. Condoning…What’s the Difference?

How many times have you told yourself not to feel angry, or to cheer up, or to “snap out” of a depression?

How successful were you at changing your feelings? We’re sometimes conditioned to believe that certain feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ while other feelings are okay. But the truth is that there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ feeling. Feelings are feelings. They exist. You cannot help the way you feel about a thing or a situation.

Often when we tell ourselves or others to “snap out of it” or to try to repress certain feelings, what we really mean is to repress certain behaviors. While there are no wrong or problematic feelings, the behavior that comes after the feeling may cause problems. For example, simply feeling anger is perfectly okay. Just being with the anger in the moment is entirely different than feeling anger and then acting upon it in negative and destructive ways.

Validating vs. Condoning: Understanding doesn’t Mean Allowing

If you or your partner is feeling angry, that’s okay. But if you or your partner choose to act on that anger by saying or doing hurtful things, that’s not okay. Both you and your partner have a right to feel what you feel. You just don’t have the right to act on those feelings in negative or destructive ways…especially when others are involved.

If your partner is experiencing negative emotions like anger, sadness, or depression, you can validate their feelings without having to understand and agree with those feelings. You can do this by saying things like, “I understand you’re mad right now. I may not understand why you’re mad right now, but I respect your right to be entitled to your own feelings.”

Notice that this does not mean that you have to validate, condone, or even tolerate bad or negative behaviors. You are simply validating the feelings, and not necessarily the behaviors that come after the feelings.

You and your partner can choose when and how to respond to those feelings and act upon them. You may also choose not to act upon them at all, but to simply acknowledge their presence and sit with them quietly, knowing that they will eventually subside.

When you learn to do this you will be able to validate each other’s feelings without condoning any emotional aggression those feelings might generate.