Category: Mindful Communication

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The Trust Seesaw

the trust seesaw

If you’ve ever watched children at the playground on a seesaw, you know that it takes two people to play. If one gets off, the other cannot play. The expression, “tottering on the brink,” comes from the older name for a seesaw. It was called a ‘teeter-totter.’ If you’ve ever been left dangling in the air and watching the person on the other end prepare to suddenly leap off and send you crashing, then you know exactly what that expression means!

Relationships are like seesaws. It takes two to play. If one person gets off, the other can’t play. There are many kinds of seesaw in relationships. One variety that often comes up when emotional aggression is an issue, is the ‘trust seesaw.’ Trust is a seesaw with two parts. The first part is a person hiding the truth or refusing to communicate. The second part is a person who has created an environment where it’s not safe to tell the truth or to safely communicate about emotional issues

If you react badly every time you hear the truth, don’t expect to hear the truth too often. While deception is a violation of trust, what often gets overlooked is the fact that the reason people resort to deception and sometimes to outright lying is that the other person in the relationship has made it clear that it is not safe to tell the truth.

This vicious cycle is self-reinforcing. The more one person hides the truth, the more the other person reacts badly when the truth finally comes out. The more a person reacts badly upon hearing the truth, the less likely the other person is to feel comfortable telling the truth the next time. The longer this pattern continues, the more likely it is to result in emotional cutoffs where neither side is capable of communicating about emotional issues without resorting to emotional aggression.

Getting off the Trust Seesaw

How do we end this vicious cycle? There are two ways to get off the trust seesaw. The first is that the person who is being deceptive or not communicating the truth can start being truthful. The second is that the person who usually reacts badly to hearing the truth can create a safe environment for truthful communications so that the other person feels comfortable telling the truth.

The difficulty in getting off the trust seesaw is that if one person gets off suddenly, the other is left ‘tottering on the brink.’ Unless both people agree to get off the seesaw, it’s going to be difficult to successfully navigate this territory without one or both parties resorting to some form of emotional aggression.

The best way to avoid this is to agree to communicate openly and honestly about trust while agreeing that there will be no negative repercussions for being honest. Getting off the trust seesaw and fostering mindful communication requires a combination of self-awareness, empathy, and effective communication skills. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this process:

  • Start by reflecting on your own communication patterns and behaviors. Identify any habits that may contribute to the trust seesaw.
  • Practice active listening by giving your full attention to the speaker. This involves making eye contact, nodding, and providing verbal cues to show that you are engaged in the conversation.
  • Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Understand their perspective, emotions, and concerns. Empathy helps build trust by showing that you value and understand their feelings.
  • Be transparent and honest in your communication. Avoid hiding information or misleading others, as this can erode trust.
  • Before speaking, take a moment to consider the impact of your words. Be mindful of your tone, body language, and choice of words to ensure that your message is clear and respectful.
  • Clearly articulate your thoughts and feelings. Use “I” statements to express your own perspective without blaming or accusing others.
  • Learn to manage your emotions during difficult conversations. Take a break if needed to prevent saying things in the heat of the moment that may damage trust.
  • Clearly define and communicate your boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for building and maintaining trust.
  • If you make a mistake or unintentionally hurt someone, apologize sincerely and take responsibility for your actions. Work towards repairing the trust by demonstrating positive changes in your behavior.
  • Consistency in your actions and words is key to building and maintaining trust. Ensure that your behavior aligns with your words over time.
  • Encourage open communication by seeking feedback from others. This shows that you value their opinions and are open to improvement.
  • Engage in mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, to cultivate self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Remember, building trust is a gradual process, and it requires ongoing effort and commitment. By incorporating these strategies into your communication style, you can contribute to a more mindful and trustful relationship.

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Validating vs. Condoning

Validating vs. Condoning Young Woman Old Woman Optical Illusion

One of the skills of mindful communication is Validating vs. Condoning.

Look at the picture above and describe what you see.

Did you see an old lady, or a young lady? If you saw both, which did you see first?

Now assume your partner saw the old lady in the picture, and you saw the young lady. Which of you would be ‘right’ and which of you would be ‘wrong’?

Obviously, neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ You’re both just looking at the same picture and coming to different conclusions. Suppose you can readily see the old lady, but have a hard time seeing the young lady. Further suppose your partner can readily see the young lady, but has a hard time seeing he old lady. Even though you’re not seeing the same thing your partner sees, would you be able to readily agree that your partner sees it?

Validation works in this way. You can validate your partner’s way of seeing the picture without having to agree with what your partner is seeing. Now let’s apply this to the concept of feelings.

Validating vs. Condoning…What’s the Difference?

How many times have you told yourself not to feel angry, or to cheer up, or to “snap out” of a depression?

How successful were you at changing your feelings? We’re sometimes conditioned to believe that certain feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ while other feelings are okay. But the truth is that there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ feeling. Feelings are feelings. They exist. You cannot help the way you feel about a thing or a situation.

Often when we tell ourselves or others to “snap out of it” or to try to repress certain feelings, what we really mean is to repress certain behaviors. While there are no wrong or problematic feelings, the behavior that comes after the feeling may cause problems. For example, simply feeling anger is perfectly okay. Just being with the anger in the moment is entirely different than feeling anger and then acting upon it in negative and destructive ways.

Validating vs. Condoning: Understanding doesn’t Mean Allowing

If you or your partner is feeling angry, that’s okay. But if you or your partner choose to act on that anger by saying or doing hurtful things, that’s not okay. Both you and your partner have a right to feel what you feel. You just don’t have the right to act on those feelings in negative or destructive ways…especially when others are involved.

If your partner is experiencing negative emotions like anger, sadness, or depression, you can validate their feelings without having to understand and agree with those feelings. You can do this by saying things like, “I understand you’re mad right now. I may not understand why you’re mad right now, but I respect your right to be entitled to your own feelings.”

Notice that this does not mean that you have to validate, condone, or even tolerate bad or negative behaviors. You are simply validating the feelings, and not necessarily the behaviors that come after the feelings.

You and your partner can choose when and how to respond to those feelings and act upon them. You may also choose not to act upon them at all, but to simply acknowledge their presence and sit with them quietly, knowing that they will eventually subside.

When you learn to do this you will be able to validate each other’s feelings without condoning any emotional aggression those feelings might generate.

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Signs of an Emotionally Aggressive Relationship

emotionally aggressive anger management emotional aggression

Emotional aggression is the aggressive use of our own emotional states in an attempt to manipulate or control others, or in an attempt to make others responsible for our moods. If I hold others responsible for my emotional state, I am being emotionally aggressive. Likewise, if I attempt to control the emotional states of others against their will, I am being emotionally aggressive.

If you have beliefs that are leading you to react in ways that are emotionally aggressive, you may choose to challenge those beliefs so that you may replace them with new beliefs that do not lead to emotionally aggressive consequences.

One of the tenets of mindfulness is the realization that we are not our thoughts, and we are not our feelings. Thoughts and feelings are simply processes of the mind. We can choose to pay attention to those processes, or we can choose to ignore them.

Here’s a way to demonstrate that you are not your thoughts. Suppose I tell you that for the next ten minutes you are to avoid having any thoughts. Now further suppose that you attempt to avoid having any thoughts for ten minutes. About two or three minutes into this exercise, you catch yourself having a thought.

When you realize that you had a thought, what part of you is it that recognized that you had a thought? It couldn’t be your thoughts, because the thoughts are what you recognized. So that means that there is another part of you that is independent from your thoughts. This part of you is what practitioners of mindfulness call your True Self. The True Self is what recognized you were having a thought. The True Self is independent of your thoughts.

Your True Self is who you would be if you could ‘get out of your own way’ and live the life you were meant to live. Your True Self is who you are when you strip away all the masks that you put on in day-to-day life and get down to the business of being who you were meant to be.

Think for a moment about your own True Self. Suppose you could be anyone you wanted to be. Who would you choose to be? What things are keeping you from living in your True Self? When you act in an emotionally aggressive manner, are you being your True Self?

One way to tell if a belief is keeping you from being the person you were meant to be, is to consider the consequences of that belief. Most emotional aggression comes from beliefs that we can change the behavior of other people. In fact, the very definition of emotional aggression is: “Using our own emotional states in an attempt to control the behavior of others.” Emotional aggression occurs when others refuse to live up to our expectations of how we believe they should behave and what they should feel.

One of the marks of an addiction to emotional processes is the belief that we can and should tell others how to feel and what to think. If we have such beliefs, and if people fail to meet our expectations, the result can be emotional aggression. That is to say that we get frustrated that others in our lives resist our attempts to control their behavior, and we may react by becoming angry, or sad, or frustrated.

Because these beliefs are often embedded in processes that have become automatic, it may sometimes be difficult to identify those beliefs. The questions below may help you to identify some of these beliefs and patterns of behavior.

The first five questions are for your partner (if you have one). If your partner is willing to answer these questions, have him or her do so. If your partner is not willing, try to answer those questions as well as you can, based on what you think your partner would say.

The rest of the questions are for you to answer. Be as honest with yourself as you can in answering.

Sings of an Emotionally Aggressive Relationship

Does your partner:

  • Feel afraid of you much of the time?
  • Avoid certain topics out of fear of upsetting you?
  • Feel that they can’t do anything right for you?
  • Feel emotionally numb or helpless?
  • Feel trapped or imprisoned?

Do you:

  • Humiliate, criticize, or yell at your partner?
  • Use abusive language
  • Ignore your partner’s answers
  • Mock or call your partner names
  • Yell, swear, interrupt or change the subject by turning blame back onto your partner?
  • Become emotionally aggressive towards your partner?
  • Twist your partner’s words?
  • Tell your partner what to think and how to feel?
  • Put your partner down in front of other people?
  • Say bad things about your partner’s friends and family?
  • Treat your partner so badly that your partner is embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
  • Ignore or put down your partner’s opinions or accomplishments?
  • Blame your partner for your own abusive behavior?
  • Make light of your own behavior and not take your partner’s concerns about it seriously?
  • Deny that the emotional aggression happened?
  • Shift responsibility for your behavior, or say that your partner caused it?
  • See your partner as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
  • Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  • Hurt your partner, or threaten to hurt or kill your partner?
  • Hit, slap, kick, choke, push, punch, beat, or restrain your partner to keep them from leaving?
  • Destroy furniture, punch holes in the walls, or damage your partner’s possessions?
  • Use the children or other family members against your partner?
  • Lock your partner out of the house?
  • Threaten to take your partner’s children away or harm them?
  • Threaten to harm other family members or family pets?
  • Threaten to commit self-harm, up to and including suicide, if your partner leaves?
  • Force your partner to have sex against their will?
  • Destroy your partner’s belongings?
  • Use blaming, shaming or guilt-tripping to control your partner?
  • Act excessively jealous and possessive?
  • Control where your partner goes or what your partner does?
  • Keep your partner from seeing their friends or family?
  • Make rules that it is impossible for your partner to keep?
  • Punish your partner for not keeping these impossible rules?
  • Force your partner into decisions they may not be ready to make?
  • Always insist on being right?
  • Refuse to ‘agree to disagree’?
  • Follow your partner to see what they’re doing and where they’re going?
  • Refuse to leave when asked?
  • Limit your partner’s access to money, the phone, or the car for other than budgetary reasons?
  • Withhold money as a means of control
  • Refuse to let your partner work, or interfere with your partner’s job?
  • Show up at your partner’s job to cause trouble?
  • Constantly check up on your partner?
  • Go through your partner’s emails, cell phone record, text messages, or other communications?

If you checked more than five items on the list above, you may have difficulties managing your emotional aggression towards yourself and towards others.

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Emotional Aggression and Gaslighting

emotional aggression and gaslighting

One of the concepts we frequently talk about in Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy is emotional aggression.

Emotional aggression and gaslighting usually go hand-in-hand. Gaslighting is used to perpetuate a perpetrator’s emotional aggression.

Emotional aggression is the aggressive use of our own emotional states in an attempt to manipulate or control others, or in an attempt to make others be responsible for our moods.

If I hold others responsible for my emotional state, I am being emotionally aggressive. Likewise, if I attempt to control the emotional state of others against their will, I am being emotionally aggressive. The Emotional Aggression Questionnaire allows you to assess whether or not you are prone to act in emotionally aggressive ways. Some statements emotionally aggressive people might make include:

“I won’t be happy until you do _ for me.”
“It’s your fault that I feel this way.”
“You made me feel _”
“You just need to stop feeling this way.”
“We’d get along just fine if you’d do things my way.”
“You have no right to be angry at me.”

People who are being emotionally aggressive usually rely on gaslighting to manipulate others with their emotions.

People who have been gaslit often feel anxious or depressed. Victims of gaslighting can develop mental health problems, including substance abuse issues and even thoughts of suicide. For this reason it is important to recognize what emotional aggression is and to be familiar with its dynamic when working with patients and clients.

Some of the signs of gaslighting include:

  • Doubting that your feelings and your reality are accurate or valid
  • Feeling that you’re just being too sensitive
  • Believing that you have no right to feel the way you do
  • Questioning your own judgment and choices
  • Questioning your own perceptions
  • Being afraid to speak up because it might cause conflict with someone who is being emotionally aggressive
  • Emotional cutoffs – shutting down in conversations about emotions because you don’t feel heard or valued
  • Feeling vulnerable and insecure
  • Feeling you’re always “walking on eggshells” when dealing with a person who is being emotionally aggressive
  • Feeling isolated and powerless
  • Doubting your own sense of self-worth and instead believing what an emotionally aggressive person is telling you about yourself
  • Being disappointed in yourself and who you have become – this is especially true if you fear disappointing an emotionally aggressive person
  • Feeling confused most of the time when talking to an emotionally aggressive person
  • You’re always “waiting for the other shoe to drop;” expecting something bad to happen all the time
  • You feel like you are never good enough and you’re always apologizing
  • You second-guess yourself and find it hard to make decisions
  • You assume others are disappointed in you and never seem to be able to give yourself the benefit of the doubt
  • You wonder what’s wrong with you
  • You eventually give up on making your own choices and instead leave the decision-making to the emotionally aggressive person

If you recognize any of these signs, you may be the victim of an emotionally aggressive person. Next time we’ll talk about some common statements used by emotionally aggressive people and how to deal with them.

Grampian Women’s Aid: Coercive Control: 10 Signs It’s Gaslighting
http://www.grampian-womens-aid.com/newsevents/gaslighting-10-signs