Category: Mindfulness

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Body Communications

Body communications children playing at the beach

Body communications are a way of learning about how our bodies respond to emotional situations.

Automatic processes are processes that we have engaged in so often that we don’t even have to think about them anymore. Remember when you first learned to drive a car? You were probably nervous, trying to remember all the rules of the road, what all the gauges represented, which pedals and switches did what, and so on. But after a few weeks behind the wheel, driving a car is an automatic process. It may become so automatic that you can drive right past your exit while busily eating a cheeseburger and fiddling with the radio.

Riding a bike or roller skating can be an automatic process. Reading a book can be an automatic process. So can washing the dishes, folding laundry, or clicking through the television channels.

Many things in our lives, over time, become automaticized.

Moods can also be automatic processes. Moods are behavioral responses to emotional states. Over time we become accustomed to responding to certain emotions in certain ways. Sometimes these automatic mood processes are conscious, but sometimes they occur on a subconscious level.

Conscious processes are easier to change, simply because if they are conscious processes we are aware of them and we can consciously choose to interrupt the cycle and act in different ways if those automatic emotional processes are leading to results we don’t want.

But what do we do if our automatic mood processes are occurring on a subconscious level? If they’re subconscious, we are not consciously aware of them, so how do we learn to change them?

One answer to this is that subconscious processes often leave visible traces that we can be consciously aware of. Emotions have physiological responses. These physiological responses are body communications.

Body Communications and Subconscious Emotions

In previous blogs we discussed the “reptilian brain” response of ‘fight or flight.’ When that primal part of the brain is activated, the body responds in various ways. The good news is that this is the first part of the brain to be activated when a subconscious emotional process is triggered. This leads to body communications that can help detect these subconscious emotional reactions.

Suppose I’m headed out the door on the way to work and I see the garden hose out of the corner of my eye. Further suppose that the “fight or flight” part of my brain mistakes it for a snake. I have an automatic response. I might be startled and jump, or I might run away. If I turn to look at the garden hose and see that it is just a hose, then my conscious brain takes over and soothes the fight or flight instinct.

In this situation, the first thing that happened was the startle response. This is that subconscious ‘fight or flight’ trigger being activated. The second thing that happened was that my mind became consciously aware that it was a garden hose, and not a threat. My conscious mind became aware of the situation and overrode the subconscious response.

If we can learn to be more in tune with what our bodies are telling us at any given moment, we can be aware of when these automatic subconscious emotional responses are activated.

If we are aware of when these responses have been activated, we can consciously prepare ourselves to avoid acting out in emotionally aggressive ways.

Strong emotions usually have physical precursors. Do you clench your fists when angry? Do you break out in a sweat when anxious? Do you get butterflies in your stomach when confused?

Our bodies communicate emotional reactions before we become consciously aware of them. We can learn to be attuned to these physiological responses so that we can better predict strong emotions and be prepared for them.

How does your body communicate to you?

By becoming aware of these body communications, you are able to better predict when you are about to have a strong emotional reaction so that you can prepare yourself.

Your body is going to do what your body is going to do, but you don’t have to let it push you around! You can choose to be in control! The place to start is to begin to learn how your body reacts in emotionally difficult situations. When you learn your body’s way of communicating, you will be well on the way to modifying your responses to these situations.

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Mindful Communication Skills

mindful communication

To be mindful is to be present in the moment. Mindful listening means being present in the conversation, without assumptions or conclusions, and without trying to anticipate what your partner is going to say, or without ‘reading into’ the conversation (assuming things that weren’t really said).

Mindful listening is a practice that involves fully focusing your attention on the speaker and being present in the moment during a conversation. It goes beyond simply hearing the words spoken and involves a deep, non-judgmental awareness of the speaker’s words, tone, and body language. The goal of mindful listening is to understand the speaker’s message without immediately formulating your own response or judgment.

Mindful Listening

The list below covers 12 basic Mindful Listening Skills. Before beginning any mindful communication, first ask yourself two questions:

1. What am I trying to accomplish by having this conversation?

2. Is what I’m about to say going to accomplish this goal?

Once you have clarified your objectives with these questions, the Mindful Listening list below will help you to listen effectively.

The first step in being a good communicator is to be a good listener. Here are some Mindful Listening tips to help you improve your listening skills:

  1. Stop what you are doing and give your full attention to the person.
  2. Look at the other person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment with him/her, without thoughts about past problems or future worries.
  3. Be silent. Allow the other person to speak in their own way and in their own time. Don’t’ interrupt. Don’t anticipate what they’re going to say. If you’re thinking ahead to how you’re going to respond, or trying to figure out what they’re going to say next, you’re not paying attention. You’re not listening in the moment.
  4. Use phrases that encourage the other person to problem-solve. “What do you want to happen in this situation?” or “How can I help in this situation?” Don’t assume what they expect to happen. Let them tell you.
  5. Avoid the temptation of making the other person’s choices for them. Allow them to reach their own conclusions.
  6. Acknowledge that you are listening by reflecting back what you hear.
  7. Use open-ended questions that encourage the other person to keep talking. “Tell me more about that,” or “How did you feel when that happened,” or “Then what happened?”
  8. Pay attention to the other person’s non-verbal language. Does the other person look attentive? Is the other person happy, sad, afraid, anxious or confused?
  9. Listen for and name feelings you think you hear from the other person. Confirm that this is indeed what the other person is feeling by checking in with them: “Sounds like you were angry about that,” or “You seem to be really happy about that!”
  10. Don’t try to tell the other person what they’re feeling! Don’t deny, discourage, or minimize their feelings. Instead, model positive behaviors as an alternative to not-so-positive behaviors. Don’t tell them how they feel. Let them tell you!
  11. Remember that there is a difference between validating the feeling and validating the behavior! There is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ feeling; the behavior that follows the feeling is where the problem lies. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to abuse someone else when you’re angry. It is okay to talk about your anger with another person, preferably the person with whom you are angry.
  12. Explain your feelings, but don’t use defensive statements in an effort to rationalize or excuse your behavior. Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings, words and behavior, and allow the other person to do the same.

Practice these skill and you will be well on your way to being a better, more mindful listener.

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Family Resilience Worksheet

7Cs of Family Resilience Worksheet

The Family Resilience Worksheet lists the 7Cs of Resilience and asks you to rate yourself and your family on each of these resilience factors.

This worksheet targets areas for improvement. Once these areas of improvement have been identified, you can concentrate on building your skills in areas where you need help.

The 7Cs of Family Resilience

The 7Cs of Mindful Ecotherapy are factors of family resilience. All families have problems from time to time. When families go through a crisis, some fall apart, while others manage to ride the storm out and come through the other side relatively intact. Research has shown that families who manage to handle a crisis effectively all have certain characteristics in common. These characteristics are called resiliency factors.

The 7Cs are these resiliency factors. This exercise is designed to help you to identify your own personal resiliency factors so you may assess your strengths and weaknesses. If you have a strength, you may be able to help others in the class who are weak in that particular area. If you have a weakness in one of these areas, you may be able to rely on family or friends for support and suggestions in helping you to build strengths in areas where you have difficulty.

7Cs of Family Resilience Worksheet

Each of the 7Cs of Family Resilience is listed below, along with a description of what each means. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 by circling the most appropriate number on the scales below, with ‘1’ representing ‘a definite weakness’ and ‘10’ representing ‘a definite strength.’

Compassion
“I am able to be compassionate with others and to act in compassionate ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Communication
“I am able to communicate my thoughts and feelings in effective ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Control
“I am able to control myself and I don’t try to control and manipulate others”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Choices
“I am consistently able to make positive choices that lead to positive consequences”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Consequences
“I am consistently able to get positive consequences for my choices and actions”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Consistency
“I am consistently able to regulate my emotions and moods without acting in emotionally aggressive ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Confidence
“I am confident in my ability to manage my moods and my emotional states”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Keep your answers to these questions handy, as we’ll be talking about them in the coming weeks.

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Externalization: Experiencing the Person, not the Problem

One way to live a life of compassion is to see the person, not the problem. This is done through externalization. If we are able to take the viewpoint that the person is separate from the problem, then we are able to experience the person, and not the problem. Such a perception sees the person as separate from the problem. From such a perspective, I am not an “addict,” I am a person with a substance abuse problem. I am not an “angry person,” I am a person with an anger management problem.

If a friend or family member has cancer, do you say that they are a cancer? Or do you see the cancer as something separate, a problem that can be treated and possibly even cured? If I had such a person in my life, I might abhor the cancer and what it is doing to them, but I most certainly wouldn’t abhor the person.

When we are able to see things in this way, we are able to externalize the problem. Externalizing the problem is seeing it as separate from the individual. If I have an issue with emotional aggression, I’m not an emotionally aggressive person. I’m a person who may consciously choose to change my tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways. By externalizing this tendency in myself, I can come to see it as just a process of the brain, and not a part of my identity. If it’s just something my brain does from time to time, I can choose to avoid the temptation to act on it. If I refuse to feed it, it may eventually go away. Even if it doesn’t, I am still in control. I still have the choice not to act on it.

Likewise, if a friend or loved one has a tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways, by exercising my non-judgmental skill of compassion, I can see this tendency as separate from their identity as a person if I so choose. The less I react to their emotional aggression, the less effective their emotional aggression becomes. When they see that their attempts to manipulate me by acting in emotionally aggressive ways have failed, then there is no reward for the behavior, and therefore there is no need to continue with the behavior.

Even if they decide to be stubborn and persist in their attempts at manipulation after seeing that they no longer work, I can refuse to participate by refusing to react to their aggression.

When you are able to do this consistently, you will have learned to use the tool of externalization.

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Don’t Lose Your Marbles!

bag of marbles exercise don't lose your marble

A fun way to practice mindfulness is the “Don’t Lose Your Marbles” exercise.
The purpose of this exercise is to become aware of how many times throughout the day we have negative thoughts about ourselves and our families. As we become aware of that pattern of negative thoughts, we can replace them with positive, more compassionate thoughts. Those positive thoughts lead to more positive expectations of ourselves and our families.

Don’t Lose Your Marbles Exercise

Here’s how it works:

  • Go to the toy store and buy a bag of marbles.
  • Put the marbles in your pocket or purse so that you have them with you all day.
  • Every time you catch yourself having a negative thought, take a marble out of the bag and put it in your pocket or purse, or just set it aside somewhere where it won’t get lost.
  • Every time you catch yourself having a positive thought, put a marble back into the bag.
  • At the end of the day, if your bag is empty, you’ve ‘lost all your marbles.’
  • To get the marbles back into the bag, you have to say one positive thing about yourself or your family for each marble you return to the bag. Don’t go to bed at night until all the marbles are back in the bag!
    The marbles are a physical representation of our inner thought processes. Use this exercise to help change negative self-talk habits by giving yourself a physical reminder of how often during the day you have negative thoughts.
  • Over time you can change your thought habits. The first step is recognizing that they’re there. This exercise will help you make that connection.
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Living in True Self

The humanist psychotherapist Carl Rogers spoke of the ideas of Self-Image and Ideal Self. This Self-Image, sometimes referred to as the Perceived Self, is the way we perceive ourselves to be. The Ideal Self is the image we have of how we would like to be. Living in True Self means consciously choosing to be your Ideal Self as much as possible.

True Self is this Ideal Self. It is who we would choose to be if we were living up to our own highest expectations of ourselves. The ultimate goal of Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy is to be able to live fully in True Self.

It would help to have an outline of what this True Self looks like for you. As the saying goes, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Identifying what your own True Self looks like is the first step in creating a road map to get there.

To create this outline of your own True Self, answer the questions below. Your answers are creating an autobiography of how you’d like to be. This autobiography is the substance of your True Self. It may help to write your answers down for future reference.

  • What do you care about?
  • What gives your life passion and meaning?
  • How is emotional aggression related to the things you care about?
  • What are you trying to accomplish by acting in emotionally aggressive ways?
  • Could emotional aggression cause you to lose the things you care about? How?
  • What are some positive alternatives to acting in emotionally aggressive ways? Be specific.
  • How would these different ways of believing and behaving create a more compassionate and positive reality in your life?
  • Suppose you could change yourself so that you never again had to act in emotionally aggressive ways. What would be different about you?

Save your answers to these questions for future reference, as we’ll be talking about your True Self ‘road map’ again in future posts.

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Creating a Positive Reality

creating a positive reality focus on the donut not the hole

“Focus on the doughnut, not the hole!”


-Dr. Garry Landreth

The way to be compassionate every day is to create a positive reality around you. Instead of focusing on the ‘hole’ of what you don’t have, focus on the ‘doughnut’ of what you do have. One way to do this is to create a positive ruminating cycle by identifying a trigger to a negative ruminating cycle and reframing it into a positive.

Think about the last time you acted in an emotionally aggressive way with a loved one. What assumptions did you make about their intentions? What assumptions did you make about your own intentions? How did those assumptions set your perception filter so that you believed that emotional aggression would fix things? What reality did you actually create by acting on those assumptions and perceptions? What alternate assumptions could you have made that might have led to a different outcome?

The way to create positive, compassionate outcomes in our lives is to deliberately choose to focus our intention on the positives. This is accomplished by asking ourselves two questions to establish our intention before acting. The two questions are:

  1. What am I trying to accomplish?
  2. Will my actions and behaviors achieve what I’m trying to accomplish?

These questions may appear obvious at first, but they are not as obvious as they seem. For example, if it is my intention to have a happy marriage, yet by my actions and behaviors I am constantly criticizing my spouse, are my actions and behaviors actually achieving my intention? Will my actions accomplish my goal?

By first asking myself, “What is my intention?” before acting, I can avoid the temptation to do or say things that are contrary to my desired outcome. If your intention is to be compassionate with your loved ones, make your actions fit your intentions!

Even if you are angry in the moment, it is still possible to choose a positive outcome. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to be compassionate in the moment, you can at least choose to do and say things that won’t actually harm the relationship. Imagine that if we could get everyone in the world to agree that if they couldn’t act out of compassion, they would at least do no harm. If we could simply agree that everyone in the world would choose not to act in a way that harmed others, we’d eliminate wars. We’d eliminate hatred and acts of violence. We could transform the planet!

So if you find yourself in a situation in which it is impossible to muster compassion, promise yourself that you will at least make the effort to avoid harming others. When you are able to do so, you will be able to create more positive realities in your life.

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Wise Mind and Being Non-judgmental

Wise Mind and being non-judgmental

Wise Mind is a stable balance between Emotional Mind and Rational Mind. Emotional aggression comes solely from Emotional Mind. Emotional aggression is emotion run rampant. Emotional avoidance, on the other hand, comes solely from Rational Mind. It is devoid of emotion. Rational Mind can be cold and unfeeling, and in response to emotional aggression, Rational Mind results in an emotional cutoff.

Compassion comes from Wise Mind. It is the ability to temper Emotional Mind with reason, and to inform Rational Mind with emotion. Compassion is the ability to be non-judgmental with others. It is also the ability to be non-judgmental with yourself. The ultimate in compassion is to be able to be non-judgmental even with people we may not like very much.

Wise Mind: Practicing Compassion

There is a Burmese prayer on being non-judgmental. This prayer is recited three times. The first time it is recited, it goes:

May I be free of danger.
May I have mental happiness.
May I have physical happiness.
May I have ease of well-being.

The second time it is recited, it is recited for a friend or loved one in the following manner:

May you be free of danger.
May you have mental happiness.
May you have physical happiness.
May you have ease of well-being.

The third time it is recited, it is recited for an enemy or for a person who has done you an injustice, again in the following manner:

May you be free of danger.
May you have mental happiness.
May you have physical happiness.
May you have ease of well-being.

By practicing compassion in this manner, even for those who may have treated us badly, we can come to learn the skill of being non-judgmental. Imagine how our outlook on life could change if we could even learn to be compassionate with our enemies!

Wise Mind and Avoiding Blame

One way to learn to become non-judgmental is to avoid the tendency to assign blame. Blaming others or our circumstances does nothing to solve the problem. Blaming others only serves to give them an excuse to feel less compassionate and more judgmental towards you. The worst type of assigning blame is something called projecting blame. If you blame others when you act out in emotionally aggressive ways, you are being just the opposite of compassionate.

Such projecting of blame is often accomplished with phrases similar to the following:
“It’s your fault I acted the way I did!”
“I yelled at you because I care about you. I wish you could see that!”
“If you wouldn’t act this way, I wouldn’t get so upset!”

If you find yourself using these phrases, or similar statements, you are projecting blame. While it may be true that others have acted towards you in unjust ways, the choice for how to respond to them is yours. Nobody can anger you unless you allow them to. Nobody can offend you unless you give them permission by choosing to be offended. You cannot control what others do, but you can choose how to respond to them.

Remember that assigning blame doesn’t solve anything, and it only increases the likelihood of emotional aggression for both you and others. If you choose instead to respond non-judgmentally out of compassion, you can improve your relationships by eliminating the need for emotional aggression.

Think about how often your assumptions lead you to making judgments, and how those judgments lead to conflict or emotional aggression on your part on the part of others around you. Is there a way you can enter Wise Mind in a non-judgmental way to decrease or eliminate the conflict?

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The Mask of Anger

The mask of anger

At this time of year we like to dress up and often wear masks. But there are other kinds of mask that we sometimes wear to hide our emotions. One of these emotional masks is the mask of anger.

Anger is almost always a mask for deeper emotions. When we are angry, that anger is usually the result of failed attempts to express more positive emotions. These more positive emotions are two-sided. When we cannot express our love and concern for others in positive ways, anger is the result.

You may have heard that hate is the opposite of love. Anger and other forms of emotional aggression may sometimes be interpreted as hatred. But consider this: Have you ever been angry with someone or something you didn’t care about? If you didn’t care one way or another about how things turned out, would there be any reason to get angry about it?

The opposite of ‘love’ isn’t ‘hate.’ The opposite of ‘love’ isn’t ‘anger.’ The opposite of ‘love’ is ‘indifference.’ The opposite of ‘love’ is ‘apathy.’

This doesn’t mean that we can justify emotionally aggressive tendencies by saying that they are just expressions of how much we care. We don’t get to say, “I yell at you because I care about you.” If we truly care about others, we will reflect that intention in positive ways. If we really care about the people in our lives, we will express that care by learning to interact without emotional aggression.

Anger and other forms of emotional aggression are often hiding deeper emotions. These emotions, called primary emotions, are feelings that deal with our own vulnerability. If I am feeling insecure about a relationship, or about my own ability to cope, or if I am feeling abandoned or betrayed, I am in a vulnerable state.

Vulnerability is difficult to express openly because we are conditioned to believe that if we express such feelings then it is easier for others to take advantage of us. So when we are feeling vulnerable because of our own insecurities or fears, the tendency is to mask those feelings of vulnerability by acting out in emotionally aggressive ways. We’re taught to “suck it up,” or that “big boys don’t cry,” or that “you shouldn’t let him get to you.” So it’s natural to want to hide these emotions by masking them with anger.

Anger and emotional aggression are attempts to do something to fix the problem. Anger is Doing Mode. The first step in using mindfulness to manage our moods is to realize that we don’t have to ‘do’ anything in response to an emotional state. By shifting to Being Mode, it is possible to simply sit with the vulnerable emotions that led to the emotional aggression in the first place.

Always remember that there is no such thing as a ‘wrong’ feeling. Problems arise from how we choose to behave after the feeling. By consciously choosing to sit with those feelings of vulnerability and insecurity in Being Mode instead of believing that we have to act on them by ‘doing’ something to fix the problem, we use mindfulness to realize that feelings are simply feelings, and that they will eventually pass.

The most primitive parts of the brain are sometimes colloquially referred to as the reptilian brain. These are the parts of the brain that are only concerned with the four basic necessities of survival: Food, fighting, fleeing, and reproduction. Anger often leads to aggression because of the ‘fight or flight’ response of the reptilian brain. This part of the brain senses danger before the rational parts of the brain can kick in.

Imagine that one morning on the way to work you catch a glimpse of the garden hose out of the corner of your eye. Further suppose that in your haste to go about your morning routine, your brain doesn’t recognize it as the garden hose, but instead interprets it as a snake. The first thing that happens is that you have an automatic visceral reaction. Your ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in. You have a physiological response. You may gasp out loud, or freeze in place. This is the reptilian brain taking charge.

The next thing that happens is that your emotional brain kicks in. When this part of your brain is activated, you have an emotional response. In this case, you may experience a brief flash of fear.

Finally, the rational, thinking part of your brain is activated. You think, “Oh, that’s just the garden hose.”

Your rational response then defuses the ‘fight or flight’ response and you realize that there is no actual danger there.

What if that thinking part of your brain didn’t recognize it as a garden hose? Would you grab a hoe and bludgeon your garden hose to death? Would you rush to the car hoping to avoid the danger? Would you freeze in place?

Emotional aggression is the tendency to respond from the reptilian brain before the rational parts of the brain have had a chance to do their job.

Emotions like anger are usually visceral, reptilian brain responses, but with practice it is possible to learn that we don’t have to respond every time we feel an overpowering emotion. Learning to sit mindfully with an emotion, without responding or reacting to it, is living in the moment.

By learning to ‘wait out’ extreme emotional responses, we give our rational brains time to catch up and to then come up with positive solutions that don’t require aggressive responses.

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Emotional Regulation

Emotional Regulation

Successful mood management comes from successful emotional regulation. Emotional regulation means recognizing patterns of emotional aggression and stopping the cycle of emotional aggression before it starts. This means becoming aware of and attuned to your own cycles of emotions.

Before you can become attuned to your own cycles of emotional behavior, you must first be able to identify your emotions.

Society often teaches us that there are acceptable emotions to display in public, and unacceptable emotions to display in public. Those emotions that we feel safe displaying are our secondary emotions. In situations where people tend to become emotionally aggressive, there are underlying emotions driving these secondary emotions.

These underlying emotions, called primary emotions, are emotions that we do not feel safe displaying or discussing in public. If we suppress these primary emotions for long enough, it is possible that we may eventually forget what these emotions are and what they feel like. When this happens, the first step to emotional regulation is to identify these lost emotions.

By using the mindful skills of observing and describing, you can distract yourself from drowning in unpleasant emotions by simply identifying the emotions and describing their characteristics to yourself. As you step outside of the stream of feeling by distracting yourself with the process of observing and describing, it may help to name these emotions to yourself.

For example, if you’re feeling angry, repeat to yourself, “That’s anger.” As you begin to ponder this emotional state, trace it back to its origin. Are there any primary emotions driving the anger? Could it be that you are angry because you fear losing someone or something? Are you angry because of a fear of being inadequate in some area of your life? Are you angry because you are frustrated at a personal failure? The feeling behind the secondary emotion is the primary emotion.

Ruminating Cycles and Emotional Regulation

As you use your skills of observing and describing, you will not only be distracting yourself from fully experiencing the negative aspects of the mood. You will also be exploring the primary roots of the secondary emotion being experienced. As you observe and describe your emotional states to yourself, you become more emotionally aware of their origins. The more aware you are about the origins of those emotions, the more you are able to choose which emotions to give your full attention, and which emotions to let go.

A ruminating cycle is a cycle of thought or emotion. There are positive ruminating cycles and negative ruminating cycles. Such cycles consist of the self-talk we engage in as we go about our daily business.

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios involving ruminating cycles. These cycles are from Joe and Jim. Joe’s negative ruminating cycle might look like this:

“My wife just frowned at me. I wonder what she’s upset about?”
“What have I done wrong this time?”
“Can’t I ever do anything right?”
“Why is it so hard to please her?”
“Maybe I should just divorce her and get it over with. She’s never happy.”
“I’ll show her! I’ll give her the silent treatment!”

Jim’s positive ruminating cycle might look like this:

“My wife just frowned. I wonder if she’s upset?”
“Maybe she’s just having a bad day.”
“I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help?”
“I’m happy that she trusts me enough to share her innermost feelings with me!”

Joe’s negative ruminating cycle assumes that his wife’s frown was personal in that Joe believes that his wife was frowning at him. Jim, on the other hand, simply noted that his wife had frowned, without assuming that the frown was directed at him personally. Joe also assumed that his wife’s frown was indicative of a pervasive problem: That Joe cannot ever do anything to please his wife. Jim, on the other hand, recognized that this was just one incident, and not a pervasive problem. His response to his wife’s frown was, “Maybe she’s just having a bad day.”

Finally, Joe’s ruminating cycle assumes a permanent problem: That Joe can’t “ever do anything right,” while Jim doesn’t see it as a permanent problem. He’s even willing to try to change the situation by wondering if there is anything he can do to help his wife.

Try this: The next time you find yourself in a ruminating cycle, whether it is a positive cycle or a negative cycle, begin talking out loud. Verbalize your thought and feeling patterns by observing and describing them. Look for any permanent, personal or pervasive patterns of thinking and feeling.

Be on the lookout for all-or-nothing thinking. You can usually identify such patterns of thought by looking for words like always and never. The good news about thoughts like, “Things have always been this way,” and “Things are never going to change,” is that you only need one example to disprove them. If Joe has ever done a single thing to please his wife, then he cannot say, “I can never do anything to please her.”

If Joe can find just one example of where things have gone well, then he can’t say, “I always do the wrong thing.” He might do the wrong thing 99,999 times, but if there’s even one case in which he did the right thing, then he is not justified in saying, “I always do the wrong thing.”

If Joe can think of a single time when he was able to do the right thing, then it means that it is possible to do the right thing. If it is possible to do the right thing once, it is possible to do the right thing again. All that remains is figuring out what made it possible, and repeating the conditions that made it possible.

The key point to remember about ruminating cycles is that they are self-reinforcing. Emotions like to hang around once they’ve shown up. Research has shown that once a ruminating cycle of emotional aggression gets started, we tend to act, think, and feel in ways that perpetuate the cycle. We’re conditioned to believe that when we have strong emotions, we must immediately act upon them.

Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy teaches us that we do not have to act on those emotions, and we don’t have to dwell on them. We can simply observe and describe those emotions without feeling the need to react or respond.

It may help to remember that there is no such thing as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ feeling. What may be considered ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is the behavior that comes after the feeling. So the problem is in the behavior, not the feeling itself. One of the behaviors that can be labeled as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ or ‘positive’ or ‘negative,’ is the ruminating cycle itself.

It works in this way: You have a negative feeling (anger, hostility, sadness, etc.). You then activate a ruminating cycle by continuing to dwell on the feeling. As you continue to dwell on the feeling, the negative emotion feeds off of the ruminating cycle and the emotion causes you to become more and more emotionally aroused, until you act out with emotional aggression.

You can change this behavior in this way: When you note a negative emotion, simply observe it and describe it, while recognizing that you do not have to dwell on it. The feeling itself is not ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ It simply is. You can decide not to give it power over you by disengaging from the ruminating cycle. In doing so, you don’t feed the negative emotion, and it eventually subsides.

When you have mastered this, you will be well on the way to managing your moods.