Category: Mindfulness

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Mindfulness and Control

mindfulness and control

“He who angers you conquers you.”

-Elizabeth Kenny

Mindful Ecotherapy relies on the 7Cs of family resilience. These resilience factors help you to better weather the storms that come with life.

The second ‘C’ of the 7Cs of family resilience is “control.”

If someone has the ability to anger you, then that person just controlled you.

If you allow others to ‘make’ you feel angry, you have relinquished control over your own emotional well-being.

Similarly, anger is often the result of failed attempts to control others. By analyzing our beliefs about control, we learn to manage our moods so that control is no longer an issue.

Once there was a sculptor who was famous for his carvings of animals. Of all the animals he carved, his elephants were the most lifelike and inspiring. One day an art student came to him and asked him the secret to creating such beautiful elephants.

“The answer,” he said, “Is simple. You just get a block of marble and chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”

When difficulties arise in a relationship, it’s usually because we’ve set out to carve an elephant, but we suddenly find ourselves carving a bear or a donkey or some other animal instead. When this happens, we’ve gotten caught up in the details of living, and we have lost sight of our original goal, the elephant.

Go over your list of standard arguments with your partner, and decide for yourselves which ones will lead to a happier relationship, and which ones involve side issues (i.e., arguments that are not ‘carving the elephant.’) You may disagree with your partner over which ones are which, and that’s okay too.

Maybe your version of the elephant is slightly different from your partner’s version. Just remember that by sharing your vision of a happier relationship with your partner, you can both come to agreement on what sort of elephant you would like to carve together.

The first step is agreeing that you will focus only on those actions that lead to the end result you both want. Once you’ve agreed on that end result, you can both begin to ‘chip away’ anything that doesn’t look like the relationship you both want to share.

Remember to keep it focused on solutions. You can talk about the problem all day if you wish, but that doesn’t do anything to actually solve the problem.

If your intention is to have a happy, healthy relationship, then anything that doesn’t promote that is irrelevant. It’s just marble to be carved away. If you find yourself constantly discussing problems, and never reaching resolution, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” or perhaps, “Is this the elephant I’m trying to carve, or is it just excess marble?”

If both you and your partner have the same intention, then the rest is just details. You’re working towards a common goal, and all that remains is to resolve how you both approach the common goal.

If, on the other hand, you both have different intentions, then you both have different goals. This is the source of a lot of friction in relationships.

Always remember that you can only control your own intentions, and not your partner’s. Use your mindful communication skills to find common ground and to avoid the temptation to try to control others.

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Validating vs. Condoning

Validating vs. Condoning Young Woman Old Woman Optical Illusion

One of the skills of mindful communication is Validating vs. Condoning.

Look at the picture above and describe what you see.

Did you see an old lady, or a young lady? If you saw both, which did you see first?

Now assume your partner saw the old lady in the picture, and you saw the young lady. Which of you would be ‘right’ and which of you would be ‘wrong’?

Obviously, neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ You’re both just looking at the same picture and coming to different conclusions. Suppose you can readily see the old lady, but have a hard time seeing the young lady. Further suppose your partner can readily see the young lady, but has a hard time seeing he old lady. Even though you’re not seeing the same thing your partner sees, would you be able to readily agree that your partner sees it?

Validation works in this way. You can validate your partner’s way of seeing the picture without having to agree with what your partner is seeing. Now let’s apply this to the concept of feelings.

Validating vs. Condoning…What’s the Difference?

How many times have you told yourself not to feel angry, or to cheer up, or to “snap out” of a depression?

How successful were you at changing your feelings? We’re sometimes conditioned to believe that certain feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ while other feelings are okay. But the truth is that there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ feeling. Feelings are feelings. They exist. You cannot help the way you feel about a thing or a situation.

Often when we tell ourselves or others to “snap out of it” or to try to repress certain feelings, what we really mean is to repress certain behaviors. While there are no wrong or problematic feelings, the behavior that comes after the feeling may cause problems. For example, simply feeling anger is perfectly okay. Just being with the anger in the moment is entirely different than feeling anger and then acting upon it in negative and destructive ways.

Validating vs. Condoning: Understanding doesn’t Mean Allowing

If you or your partner is feeling angry, that’s okay. But if you or your partner choose to act on that anger by saying or doing hurtful things, that’s not okay. Both you and your partner have a right to feel what you feel. You just don’t have the right to act on those feelings in negative or destructive ways…especially when others are involved.

If your partner is experiencing negative emotions like anger, sadness, or depression, you can validate their feelings without having to understand and agree with those feelings. You can do this by saying things like, “I understand you’re mad right now. I may not understand why you’re mad right now, but I respect your right to be entitled to your own feelings.”

Notice that this does not mean that you have to validate, condone, or even tolerate bad or negative behaviors. You are simply validating the feelings, and not necessarily the behaviors that come after the feelings.

You and your partner can choose when and how to respond to those feelings and act upon them. You may also choose not to act upon them at all, but to simply acknowledge their presence and sit with them quietly, knowing that they will eventually subside.

When you learn to do this you will be able to validate each other’s feelings without condoning any emotional aggression those feelings might generate.

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Body Communications

Body communications children playing at the beach

Body communications are a way of learning about how our bodies respond to emotional situations.

Automatic processes are processes that we have engaged in so often that we don’t even have to think about them anymore. Remember when you first learned to drive a car? You were probably nervous, trying to remember all the rules of the road, what all the gauges represented, which pedals and switches did what, and so on. But after a few weeks behind the wheel, driving a car is an automatic process. It may become so automatic that you can drive right past your exit while busily eating a cheeseburger and fiddling with the radio.

Riding a bike or roller skating can be an automatic process. Reading a book can be an automatic process. So can washing the dishes, folding laundry, or clicking through the television channels.

Many things in our lives, over time, become automaticized.

Moods can also be automatic processes. Moods are behavioral responses to emotional states. Over time we become accustomed to responding to certain emotions in certain ways. Sometimes these automatic mood processes are conscious, but sometimes they occur on a subconscious level.

Conscious processes are easier to change, simply because if they are conscious processes we are aware of them and we can consciously choose to interrupt the cycle and act in different ways if those automatic emotional processes are leading to results we don’t want.

But what do we do if our automatic mood processes are occurring on a subconscious level? If they’re subconscious, we are not consciously aware of them, so how do we learn to change them?

One answer to this is that subconscious processes often leave visible traces that we can be consciously aware of. Emotions have physiological responses. These physiological responses are body communications.

Body Communications and Subconscious Emotions

In previous blogs we discussed the “reptilian brain” response of ‘fight or flight.’ When that primal part of the brain is activated, the body responds in various ways. The good news is that this is the first part of the brain to be activated when a subconscious emotional process is triggered. This leads to body communications that can help detect these subconscious emotional reactions.

Suppose I’m headed out the door on the way to work and I see the garden hose out of the corner of my eye. Further suppose that the “fight or flight” part of my brain mistakes it for a snake. I have an automatic response. I might be startled and jump, or I might run away. If I turn to look at the garden hose and see that it is just a hose, then my conscious brain takes over and soothes the fight or flight instinct.

In this situation, the first thing that happened was the startle response. This is that subconscious ‘fight or flight’ trigger being activated. The second thing that happened was that my mind became consciously aware that it was a garden hose, and not a threat. My conscious mind became aware of the situation and overrode the subconscious response.

If we can learn to be more in tune with what our bodies are telling us at any given moment, we can be aware of when these automatic subconscious emotional responses are activated.

If we are aware of when these responses have been activated, we can consciously prepare ourselves to avoid acting out in emotionally aggressive ways.

Strong emotions usually have physical precursors. Do you clench your fists when angry? Do you break out in a sweat when anxious? Do you get butterflies in your stomach when confused?

Our bodies communicate emotional reactions before we become consciously aware of them. We can learn to be attuned to these physiological responses so that we can better predict strong emotions and be prepared for them.

How does your body communicate to you?

By becoming aware of these body communications, you are able to better predict when you are about to have a strong emotional reaction so that you can prepare yourself.

Your body is going to do what your body is going to do, but you don’t have to let it push you around! You can choose to be in control! The place to start is to begin to learn how your body reacts in emotionally difficult situations. When you learn your body’s way of communicating, you will be well on the way to modifying your responses to these situations.

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Mindful Communication Skills

mindful communication

To be mindful is to be present in the moment. Mindful listening means being present in the conversation, without assumptions or conclusions, and without trying to anticipate what your partner is going to say, or without ‘reading into’ the conversation (assuming things that weren’t really said).

Mindful listening is a practice that involves fully focusing your attention on the speaker and being present in the moment during a conversation. It goes beyond simply hearing the words spoken and involves a deep, non-judgmental awareness of the speaker’s words, tone, and body language. The goal of mindful listening is to understand the speaker’s message without immediately formulating your own response or judgment.

Mindful Listening

The list below covers 12 basic Mindful Listening Skills. Before beginning any mindful communication, first ask yourself two questions:

1. What am I trying to accomplish by having this conversation?

2. Is what I’m about to say going to accomplish this goal?

Once you have clarified your objectives with these questions, the Mindful Listening list below will help you to listen effectively.

The first step in being a good communicator is to be a good listener. Here are some Mindful Listening tips to help you improve your listening skills:

  1. Stop what you are doing and give your full attention to the person.
  2. Look at the other person. Make eye contact. Be in the moment with him/her, without thoughts about past problems or future worries.
  3. Be silent. Allow the other person to speak in their own way and in their own time. Don’t’ interrupt. Don’t anticipate what they’re going to say. If you’re thinking ahead to how you’re going to respond, or trying to figure out what they’re going to say next, you’re not paying attention. You’re not listening in the moment.
  4. Use phrases that encourage the other person to problem-solve. “What do you want to happen in this situation?” or “How can I help in this situation?” Don’t assume what they expect to happen. Let them tell you.
  5. Avoid the temptation of making the other person’s choices for them. Allow them to reach their own conclusions.
  6. Acknowledge that you are listening by reflecting back what you hear.
  7. Use open-ended questions that encourage the other person to keep talking. “Tell me more about that,” or “How did you feel when that happened,” or “Then what happened?”
  8. Pay attention to the other person’s non-verbal language. Does the other person look attentive? Is the other person happy, sad, afraid, anxious or confused?
  9. Listen for and name feelings you think you hear from the other person. Confirm that this is indeed what the other person is feeling by checking in with them: “Sounds like you were angry about that,” or “You seem to be really happy about that!”
  10. Don’t try to tell the other person what they’re feeling! Don’t deny, discourage, or minimize their feelings. Instead, model positive behaviors as an alternative to not-so-positive behaviors. Don’t tell them how they feel. Let them tell you!
  11. Remember that there is a difference between validating the feeling and validating the behavior! There is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ feeling; the behavior that follows the feeling is where the problem lies. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to abuse someone else when you’re angry. It is okay to talk about your anger with another person, preferably the person with whom you are angry.
  12. Explain your feelings, but don’t use defensive statements in an effort to rationalize or excuse your behavior. Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings, words and behavior, and allow the other person to do the same.

Practice these skill and you will be well on your way to being a better, more mindful listener.

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Family Resilience Worksheet

7Cs of Family Resilience Worksheet

The Family Resilience Worksheet lists the 7Cs of Resilience and asks you to rate yourself and your family on each of these resilience factors.

This worksheet targets areas for improvement. Once these areas of improvement have been identified, you can concentrate on building your skills in areas where you need help.

The 7Cs of Family Resilience

The 7Cs of Mindful Ecotherapy are factors of family resilience. All families have problems from time to time. When families go through a crisis, some fall apart, while others manage to ride the storm out and come through the other side relatively intact. Research has shown that families who manage to handle a crisis effectively all have certain characteristics in common. These characteristics are called resiliency factors.

The 7Cs are these resiliency factors. This exercise is designed to help you to identify your own personal resiliency factors so you may assess your strengths and weaknesses. If you have a strength, you may be able to help others in the class who are weak in that particular area. If you have a weakness in one of these areas, you may be able to rely on family or friends for support and suggestions in helping you to build strengths in areas where you have difficulty.

7Cs of Family Resilience Worksheet

Each of the 7Cs of Family Resilience is listed below, along with a description of what each means. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 by circling the most appropriate number on the scales below, with ‘1’ representing ‘a definite weakness’ and ‘10’ representing ‘a definite strength.’

Compassion
“I am able to be compassionate with others and to act in compassionate ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Communication
“I am able to communicate my thoughts and feelings in effective ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Control
“I am able to control myself and I don’t try to control and manipulate others”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Choices
“I am consistently able to make positive choices that lead to positive consequences”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Consequences
“I am consistently able to get positive consequences for my choices and actions”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Consistency
“I am consistently able to regulate my emotions and moods without acting in emotionally aggressive ways”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Confidence
“I am confident in my ability to manage my moods and my emotional states”

Rating 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10

Keep your answers to these questions handy, as we’ll be talking about them in the coming weeks.

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Externalization: Experiencing the Person, not the Problem

One way to live a life of compassion is to see the person, not the problem. This is done through externalization. If we are able to take the viewpoint that the person is separate from the problem, then we are able to experience the person, and not the problem. Such a perception sees the person as separate from the problem. From such a perspective, I am not an “addict,” I am a person with a substance abuse problem. I am not an “angry person,” I am a person with an anger management problem.

If a friend or family member has cancer, do you say that they are a cancer? Or do you see the cancer as something separate, a problem that can be treated and possibly even cured? If I had such a person in my life, I might abhor the cancer and what it is doing to them, but I most certainly wouldn’t abhor the person.

When we are able to see things in this way, we are able to externalize the problem. Externalizing the problem is seeing it as separate from the individual. If I have an issue with emotional aggression, I’m not an emotionally aggressive person. I’m a person who may consciously choose to change my tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways. By externalizing this tendency in myself, I can come to see it as just a process of the brain, and not a part of my identity. If it’s just something my brain does from time to time, I can choose to avoid the temptation to act on it. If I refuse to feed it, it may eventually go away. Even if it doesn’t, I am still in control. I still have the choice not to act on it.

Likewise, if a friend or loved one has a tendency to act in emotionally aggressive ways, by exercising my non-judgmental skill of compassion, I can see this tendency as separate from their identity as a person if I so choose. The less I react to their emotional aggression, the less effective their emotional aggression becomes. When they see that their attempts to manipulate me by acting in emotionally aggressive ways have failed, then there is no reward for the behavior, and therefore there is no need to continue with the behavior.

Even if they decide to be stubborn and persist in their attempts at manipulation after seeing that they no longer work, I can refuse to participate by refusing to react to their aggression.

When you are able to do this consistently, you will have learned to use the tool of externalization.

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Don’t Lose Your Marbles!

bag of marbles exercise don't lose your marble

A fun way to practice mindfulness is the “Don’t Lose Your Marbles” exercise.
The purpose of this exercise is to become aware of how many times throughout the day we have negative thoughts about ourselves and our families. As we become aware of that pattern of negative thoughts, we can replace them with positive, more compassionate thoughts. Those positive thoughts lead to more positive expectations of ourselves and our families.

Don’t Lose Your Marbles Exercise

Here’s how it works:

  • Go to the toy store and buy a bag of marbles.
  • Put the marbles in your pocket or purse so that you have them with you all day.
  • Every time you catch yourself having a negative thought, take a marble out of the bag and put it in your pocket or purse, or just set it aside somewhere where it won’t get lost.
  • Every time you catch yourself having a positive thought, put a marble back into the bag.
  • At the end of the day, if your bag is empty, you’ve ‘lost all your marbles.’
  • To get the marbles back into the bag, you have to say one positive thing about yourself or your family for each marble you return to the bag. Don’t go to bed at night until all the marbles are back in the bag!
    The marbles are a physical representation of our inner thought processes. Use this exercise to help change negative self-talk habits by giving yourself a physical reminder of how often during the day you have negative thoughts.
  • Over time you can change your thought habits. The first step is recognizing that they’re there. This exercise will help you make that connection.
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Living in True Self

The humanist psychotherapist Carl Rogers spoke of the ideas of Self-Image and Ideal Self. This Self-Image, sometimes referred to as the Perceived Self, is the way we perceive ourselves to be. The Ideal Self is the image we have of how we would like to be. Living in True Self means consciously choosing to be your Ideal Self as much as possible.

True Self is this Ideal Self. It is who we would choose to be if we were living up to our own highest expectations of ourselves. The ultimate goal of Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy is to be able to live fully in True Self.

It would help to have an outline of what this True Self looks like for you. As the saying goes, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Identifying what your own True Self looks like is the first step in creating a road map to get there.

To create this outline of your own True Self, answer the questions below. Your answers are creating an autobiography of how you’d like to be. This autobiography is the substance of your True Self. It may help to write your answers down for future reference.

  • What do you care about?
  • What gives your life passion and meaning?
  • How is emotional aggression related to the things you care about?
  • What are you trying to accomplish by acting in emotionally aggressive ways?
  • Could emotional aggression cause you to lose the things you care about? How?
  • What are some positive alternatives to acting in emotionally aggressive ways? Be specific.
  • How would these different ways of believing and behaving create a more compassionate and positive reality in your life?
  • Suppose you could change yourself so that you never again had to act in emotionally aggressive ways. What would be different about you?

Save your answers to these questions for future reference, as we’ll be talking about your True Self ‘road map’ again in future posts.

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Creating a Positive Reality

creating a positive reality focus on the donut not the hole

“Focus on the doughnut, not the hole!”


-Dr. Garry Landreth

The way to be compassionate every day is to create a positive reality around you. Instead of focusing on the ‘hole’ of what you don’t have, focus on the ‘doughnut’ of what you do have. One way to do this is to create a positive ruminating cycle by identifying a trigger to a negative ruminating cycle and reframing it into a positive.

Think about the last time you acted in an emotionally aggressive way with a loved one. What assumptions did you make about their intentions? What assumptions did you make about your own intentions? How did those assumptions set your perception filter so that you believed that emotional aggression would fix things? What reality did you actually create by acting on those assumptions and perceptions? What alternate assumptions could you have made that might have led to a different outcome?

The way to create positive, compassionate outcomes in our lives is to deliberately choose to focus our intention on the positives. This is accomplished by asking ourselves two questions to establish our intention before acting. The two questions are:

  1. What am I trying to accomplish?
  2. Will my actions and behaviors achieve what I’m trying to accomplish?

These questions may appear obvious at first, but they are not as obvious as they seem. For example, if it is my intention to have a happy marriage, yet by my actions and behaviors I am constantly criticizing my spouse, are my actions and behaviors actually achieving my intention? Will my actions accomplish my goal?

By first asking myself, “What is my intention?” before acting, I can avoid the temptation to do or say things that are contrary to my desired outcome. If your intention is to be compassionate with your loved ones, make your actions fit your intentions!

Even if you are angry in the moment, it is still possible to choose a positive outcome. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to be compassionate in the moment, you can at least choose to do and say things that won’t actually harm the relationship. Imagine that if we could get everyone in the world to agree that if they couldn’t act out of compassion, they would at least do no harm. If we could simply agree that everyone in the world would choose not to act in a way that harmed others, we’d eliminate wars. We’d eliminate hatred and acts of violence. We could transform the planet!

So if you find yourself in a situation in which it is impossible to muster compassion, promise yourself that you will at least make the effort to avoid harming others. When you are able to do so, you will be able to create more positive realities in your life.

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Wise Mind and Being Non-judgmental

Wise Mind and being non-judgmental

Wise Mind is a stable balance between Emotional Mind and Rational Mind. Emotional aggression comes solely from Emotional Mind. Emotional aggression is emotion run rampant. Emotional avoidance, on the other hand, comes solely from Rational Mind. It is devoid of emotion. Rational Mind can be cold and unfeeling, and in response to emotional aggression, Rational Mind results in an emotional cutoff.

Compassion comes from Wise Mind. It is the ability to temper Emotional Mind with reason, and to inform Rational Mind with emotion. Compassion is the ability to be non-judgmental with others. It is also the ability to be non-judgmental with yourself. The ultimate in compassion is to be able to be non-judgmental even with people we may not like very much.

Wise Mind: Practicing Compassion

There is a Burmese prayer on being non-judgmental. This prayer is recited three times. The first time it is recited, it goes:

May I be free of danger.
May I have mental happiness.
May I have physical happiness.
May I have ease of well-being.

The second time it is recited, it is recited for a friend or loved one in the following manner:

May you be free of danger.
May you have mental happiness.
May you have physical happiness.
May you have ease of well-being.

The third time it is recited, it is recited for an enemy or for a person who has done you an injustice, again in the following manner:

May you be free of danger.
May you have mental happiness.
May you have physical happiness.
May you have ease of well-being.

By practicing compassion in this manner, even for those who may have treated us badly, we can come to learn the skill of being non-judgmental. Imagine how our outlook on life could change if we could even learn to be compassionate with our enemies!

Wise Mind and Avoiding Blame

One way to learn to become non-judgmental is to avoid the tendency to assign blame. Blaming others or our circumstances does nothing to solve the problem. Blaming others only serves to give them an excuse to feel less compassionate and more judgmental towards you. The worst type of assigning blame is something called projecting blame. If you blame others when you act out in emotionally aggressive ways, you are being just the opposite of compassionate.

Such projecting of blame is often accomplished with phrases similar to the following:
“It’s your fault I acted the way I did!”
“I yelled at you because I care about you. I wish you could see that!”
“If you wouldn’t act this way, I wouldn’t get so upset!”

If you find yourself using these phrases, or similar statements, you are projecting blame. While it may be true that others have acted towards you in unjust ways, the choice for how to respond to them is yours. Nobody can anger you unless you allow them to. Nobody can offend you unless you give them permission by choosing to be offended. You cannot control what others do, but you can choose how to respond to them.

Remember that assigning blame doesn’t solve anything, and it only increases the likelihood of emotional aggression for both you and others. If you choose instead to respond non-judgmentally out of compassion, you can improve your relationships by eliminating the need for emotional aggression.

Think about how often your assumptions lead you to making judgments, and how those judgments lead to conflict or emotional aggression on your part on the part of others around you. Is there a way you can enter Wise Mind in a non-judgmental way to decrease or eliminate the conflict?