Category: Mindfulness

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The Mask of Anger

The mask of anger

At this time of year we like to dress up and often wear masks. But there are other kinds of mask that we sometimes wear to hide our emotions. One of these emotional masks is the mask of anger.

Anger is almost always a mask for deeper emotions. When we are angry, that anger is usually the result of failed attempts to express more positive emotions. These more positive emotions are two-sided. When we cannot express our love and concern for others in positive ways, anger is the result.

You may have heard that hate is the opposite of love. Anger and other forms of emotional aggression may sometimes be interpreted as hatred. But consider this: Have you ever been angry with someone or something you didn’t care about? If you didn’t care one way or another about how things turned out, would there be any reason to get angry about it?

The opposite of ‘love’ isn’t ‘hate.’ The opposite of ‘love’ isn’t ‘anger.’ The opposite of ‘love’ is ‘indifference.’ The opposite of ‘love’ is ‘apathy.’

This doesn’t mean that we can justify emotionally aggressive tendencies by saying that they are just expressions of how much we care. We don’t get to say, “I yell at you because I care about you.” If we truly care about others, we will reflect that intention in positive ways. If we really care about the people in our lives, we will express that care by learning to interact without emotional aggression.

Anger and other forms of emotional aggression are often hiding deeper emotions. These emotions, called primary emotions, are feelings that deal with our own vulnerability. If I am feeling insecure about a relationship, or about my own ability to cope, or if I am feeling abandoned or betrayed, I am in a vulnerable state.

Vulnerability is difficult to express openly because we are conditioned to believe that if we express such feelings then it is easier for others to take advantage of us. So when we are feeling vulnerable because of our own insecurities or fears, the tendency is to mask those feelings of vulnerability by acting out in emotionally aggressive ways. We’re taught to “suck it up,” or that “big boys don’t cry,” or that “you shouldn’t let him get to you.” So it’s natural to want to hide these emotions by masking them with anger.

Anger and emotional aggression are attempts to do something to fix the problem. Anger is Doing Mode. The first step in using mindfulness to manage our moods is to realize that we don’t have to ‘do’ anything in response to an emotional state. By shifting to Being Mode, it is possible to simply sit with the vulnerable emotions that led to the emotional aggression in the first place.

Always remember that there is no such thing as a ‘wrong’ feeling. Problems arise from how we choose to behave after the feeling. By consciously choosing to sit with those feelings of vulnerability and insecurity in Being Mode instead of believing that we have to act on them by ‘doing’ something to fix the problem, we use mindfulness to realize that feelings are simply feelings, and that they will eventually pass.

The most primitive parts of the brain are sometimes colloquially referred to as the reptilian brain. These are the parts of the brain that are only concerned with the four basic necessities of survival: Food, fighting, fleeing, and reproduction. Anger often leads to aggression because of the ‘fight or flight’ response of the reptilian brain. This part of the brain senses danger before the rational parts of the brain can kick in.

Imagine that one morning on the way to work you catch a glimpse of the garden hose out of the corner of your eye. Further suppose that in your haste to go about your morning routine, your brain doesn’t recognize it as the garden hose, but instead interprets it as a snake. The first thing that happens is that you have an automatic visceral reaction. Your ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in. You have a physiological response. You may gasp out loud, or freeze in place. This is the reptilian brain taking charge.

The next thing that happens is that your emotional brain kicks in. When this part of your brain is activated, you have an emotional response. In this case, you may experience a brief flash of fear.

Finally, the rational, thinking part of your brain is activated. You think, “Oh, that’s just the garden hose.”

Your rational response then defuses the ‘fight or flight’ response and you realize that there is no actual danger there.

What if that thinking part of your brain didn’t recognize it as a garden hose? Would you grab a hoe and bludgeon your garden hose to death? Would you rush to the car hoping to avoid the danger? Would you freeze in place?

Emotional aggression is the tendency to respond from the reptilian brain before the rational parts of the brain have had a chance to do their job.

Emotions like anger are usually visceral, reptilian brain responses, but with practice it is possible to learn that we don’t have to respond every time we feel an overpowering emotion. Learning to sit mindfully with an emotion, without responding or reacting to it, is living in the moment.

By learning to ‘wait out’ extreme emotional responses, we give our rational brains time to catch up and to then come up with positive solutions that don’t require aggressive responses.

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Emotional Regulation

Emotional Regulation

Successful mood management comes from successful emotional regulation. Emotional regulation means recognizing patterns of emotional aggression and stopping the cycle of emotional aggression before it starts. This means becoming aware of and attuned to your own cycles of emotions.

Before you can become attuned to your own cycles of emotional behavior, you must first be able to identify your emotions.

Society often teaches us that there are acceptable emotions to display in public, and unacceptable emotions to display in public. Those emotions that we feel safe displaying are our secondary emotions. In situations where people tend to become emotionally aggressive, there are underlying emotions driving these secondary emotions.

These underlying emotions, called primary emotions, are emotions that we do not feel safe displaying or discussing in public. If we suppress these primary emotions for long enough, it is possible that we may eventually forget what these emotions are and what they feel like. When this happens, the first step to emotional regulation is to identify these lost emotions.

By using the mindful skills of observing and describing, you can distract yourself from drowning in unpleasant emotions by simply identifying the emotions and describing their characteristics to yourself. As you step outside of the stream of feeling by distracting yourself with the process of observing and describing, it may help to name these emotions to yourself.

For example, if you’re feeling angry, repeat to yourself, “That’s anger.” As you begin to ponder this emotional state, trace it back to its origin. Are there any primary emotions driving the anger? Could it be that you are angry because you fear losing someone or something? Are you angry because of a fear of being inadequate in some area of your life? Are you angry because you are frustrated at a personal failure? The feeling behind the secondary emotion is the primary emotion.

Ruminating Cycles and Emotional Regulation

As you use your skills of observing and describing, you will not only be distracting yourself from fully experiencing the negative aspects of the mood. You will also be exploring the primary roots of the secondary emotion being experienced. As you observe and describe your emotional states to yourself, you become more emotionally aware of their origins. The more aware you are about the origins of those emotions, the more you are able to choose which emotions to give your full attention, and which emotions to let go.

A ruminating cycle is a cycle of thought or emotion. There are positive ruminating cycles and negative ruminating cycles. Such cycles consist of the self-talk we engage in as we go about our daily business.

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios involving ruminating cycles. These cycles are from Joe and Jim. Joe’s negative ruminating cycle might look like this:

“My wife just frowned at me. I wonder what she’s upset about?”
“What have I done wrong this time?”
“Can’t I ever do anything right?”
“Why is it so hard to please her?”
“Maybe I should just divorce her and get it over with. She’s never happy.”
“I’ll show her! I’ll give her the silent treatment!”

Jim’s positive ruminating cycle might look like this:

“My wife just frowned. I wonder if she’s upset?”
“Maybe she’s just having a bad day.”
“I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help?”
“I’m happy that she trusts me enough to share her innermost feelings with me!”

Joe’s negative ruminating cycle assumes that his wife’s frown was personal in that Joe believes that his wife was frowning at him. Jim, on the other hand, simply noted that his wife had frowned, without assuming that the frown was directed at him personally. Joe also assumed that his wife’s frown was indicative of a pervasive problem: That Joe cannot ever do anything to please his wife. Jim, on the other hand, recognized that this was just one incident, and not a pervasive problem. His response to his wife’s frown was, “Maybe she’s just having a bad day.”

Finally, Joe’s ruminating cycle assumes a permanent problem: That Joe can’t “ever do anything right,” while Jim doesn’t see it as a permanent problem. He’s even willing to try to change the situation by wondering if there is anything he can do to help his wife.

Try this: The next time you find yourself in a ruminating cycle, whether it is a positive cycle or a negative cycle, begin talking out loud. Verbalize your thought and feeling patterns by observing and describing them. Look for any permanent, personal or pervasive patterns of thinking and feeling.

Be on the lookout for all-or-nothing thinking. You can usually identify such patterns of thought by looking for words like always and never. The good news about thoughts like, “Things have always been this way,” and “Things are never going to change,” is that you only need one example to disprove them. If Joe has ever done a single thing to please his wife, then he cannot say, “I can never do anything to please her.”

If Joe can find just one example of where things have gone well, then he can’t say, “I always do the wrong thing.” He might do the wrong thing 99,999 times, but if there’s even one case in which he did the right thing, then he is not justified in saying, “I always do the wrong thing.”

If Joe can think of a single time when he was able to do the right thing, then it means that it is possible to do the right thing. If it is possible to do the right thing once, it is possible to do the right thing again. All that remains is figuring out what made it possible, and repeating the conditions that made it possible.

The key point to remember about ruminating cycles is that they are self-reinforcing. Emotions like to hang around once they’ve shown up. Research has shown that once a ruminating cycle of emotional aggression gets started, we tend to act, think, and feel in ways that perpetuate the cycle. We’re conditioned to believe that when we have strong emotions, we must immediately act upon them.

Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy teaches us that we do not have to act on those emotions, and we don’t have to dwell on them. We can simply observe and describe those emotions without feeling the need to react or respond.

It may help to remember that there is no such thing as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ feeling. What may be considered ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is the behavior that comes after the feeling. So the problem is in the behavior, not the feeling itself. One of the behaviors that can be labeled as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ or ‘positive’ or ‘negative,’ is the ruminating cycle itself.

It works in this way: You have a negative feeling (anger, hostility, sadness, etc.). You then activate a ruminating cycle by continuing to dwell on the feeling. As you continue to dwell on the feeling, the negative emotion feeds off of the ruminating cycle and the emotion causes you to become more and more emotionally aroused, until you act out with emotional aggression.

You can change this behavior in this way: When you note a negative emotion, simply observe it and describe it, while recognizing that you do not have to dwell on it. The feeling itself is not ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ It simply is. You can decide not to give it power over you by disengaging from the ruminating cycle. In doing so, you don’t feed the negative emotion, and it eventually subsides.

When you have mastered this, you will be well on the way to managing your moods.

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The River of Your Mind: Understanding Thoughts and Feelings Through Mindfulness

river thought streams the river

At the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, we often return to a simple but powerful image: your thoughts and feelings are a river. This stream is always moving, always changing, and never the same from one moment to the next. Sometimes it is calm and clear. Other times it is fast, turbulent, and filled with debris. But it is always a stream, flowing whether you pay attention to it or not.

The question is not whether the river exists. The question is: how do you relate to it?

What Does Your Inner River Look Like?

Your internal experience…your thoughts, emotions, impulses, memories, and reactions…can be understood as water moving through a continuous system. In mindfulness practice, you learn to observe that stream rather than being swept away by it.

Sometimes positive thoughts rise to the surface: gratitude, joy, connection, hope. At other times, more difficult experiences appear: anger, anxiety, sadness, frustration, or overwhelm. None of these states is permanent, and none of them defines who you are.

The stream simply carries what flows through it.

When you begin to see your inner life this way, you start to notice an important shift: you are not the water itself. You are the awareness that can notice the water.

River Water Meditation

The Six Mindfulness Skills and the Flow of the River

Mindfulness is not just a vague idea of “being present.” It is a set of practical skills that help you relate differently to your inner stream. These six skills are:

When you observe, you notice the river without trying to change it. You simply see what is present: thoughts, sensations, emotions moving through awareness.

When you describe, you put gentle language to your experience: “I am noticing anger,” or “I am feeling tension,” rather than becoming fused with it.

When you participate, you fully engage with life while remaining aware of the stream in the background.

When you are non-judgmental, you stop labeling the flow as “good” or “bad.” It just is.

When you are one-mindful, you bring your attention fully to the present moment instead of being pulled into past regrets or future fears.

When you are effective, you choose actions that support your well-being rather than reacting automatically from emotional intensity.

Together, these skills help you recognize something essential: your emotional states are processes, not permanent identities.

Standing on the Riverbank: You Are Not Your Thoughts

One of the most important insights in mindfulness is this: you are not your thoughts, and you are not your feelings.

You may experience anger, but you are not “an angry person.” You may feel sadness, but you are not “a depressed person.” You may feel anxiety, but you are not “an anxious identity.”

You are the awareness that notices these states passing through the river of your mind.

This distinction matters deeply, especially when emotional intensity leads to reactive or aggressive behavior. When you believe you are your emotions, you are more likely to act from them automatically. But when you see emotions as temporary events, you gain the ability to pause, observe, and choose your response.

Sometimes the most powerful action is not to jump into the stream, but to step onto the riverbank and watch it flow.

You are still you, even when you are not swept away.

The River of Perfection and Emotional Pressure

Emotional aggression and distress often arise when there is an internal demand for perfection. Many people who struggle with emotional regulation are deeply passionate and caring. You feel strongly, and that intensity matters. But when that intensity becomes tied to rigid expectations, suffering increases.

Perfection is especially tricky because it has no universal definition. If you ask three people what a “perfect day” looks like, you will likely hear three completely different answers. For one person, perfection might be a quiet day at the beach. For another, it might be hiking in the mountains. For someone else, it might be a day immersed in books and silence.

So what is “perfect,” really?

The truth is that perfection is not an objective reality. It is a personal construction. And when your internal definition of perfection becomes rigid, impossible, or constantly out of reach, you create unnecessary emotional pressure within yourself.

That pressure often flows into the river as frustration, self-criticism, or emotional reactivity.

Mindfulness invites you to loosen your grip on perfection. You are allowed to redefine it in ways that are human, flexible, and achievable. You are also allowed to step away from perfection-based self-judgment entirely.

You do not need to meet impossible standards to be worthy of peace.

Letting the River Flow Without Becoming It

The goal of mindfulness is not to stop the river. You cannot dam your thoughts and feelings without consequences. Suppression does not end the flow. It simply creates pressure. Another way to look at it is that telling yourself not to think about it is thinking about it.

Instead, mindfulness teaches you to change your relationship with the river.

You learn to notice it. To sit beside it. To feel its movement without being carried away by every current. You learn that even intense emotional states rise and fall like water moving through changing terrain.

And perhaps most importantly, you learn this: You always have a choice about where you stand in relation to your experience.

Sometimes you are in the river. Sometimes you are on the bank. Both are part of being human. The practice is learning when to step out, when to observe, and when to engage with intention rather than reaction.

Closing Reflection: The River Always Flows

Your thoughts and feelings will continue to flow like a river for as long as you live. They will shift, intensify, soften, and change direction without warning. Mindfulness does not ask you to control that flow.

It asks you to see it clearly.

And in that clarity, you begin to realize something quietly life-changing: you are not the river. You are the awareness in which the river flows.

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Mindful Acceptance: Letting Go with Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy

mindful acceptance

“Never underestimate your power to change yourself; never overestimate your power to change others.”

— H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

One of the most powerful skills in mindfulness-based ecotherapy is mindful acceptance. Mindful acceptance is the art of letting go of unnecessary suffering while remaining fully present with life as it is. Unlike some approaches that focus only on changing thoughts or managing symptoms internally, mindfulness-based ecotherapy (MBE) emphasizes reconnecting with the natural world, the body, the senses, and the present-moment experience as pathways toward healing and resilience.

Mindfulness-based ecotherapy differs from many traditional mindfulness practices because it does not view mindfulness as something that occurs only inside the mind. Instead, MBE recognizes that humans are part of an interconnected ecological system. Healing happens not only through awareness of thoughts and emotions, but also through restoring a relationship with the earth, the body, community, and the rhythms of nature itself.

The skill of mindful acceptance teaches you to recognize the difference between what you can change and what you cannot. Once you have done everything realistically within your power to address a problem, continued anxiety and rumination no longer serve a useful purpose. At that point, mindful acceptance asks you to loosen your grip on the stress attached to the situation.

Mindful Acceptance Doesn’t Mean Giving Up

Importantly, letting go of anxiety does not necessarily mean giving up on solving the problem.

Suppose you have a car payment due and you do not currently have the money to pay it. Naturally, this situation may trigger fear, worry, and stress. You may brainstorm solutions, ask for help, reduce expenses, or search for additional income. However, once you have taken every practical step available in the present moment, the constant cycle of worry becomes emotionally exhausting and often counterproductive.

In mindfulness-based ecotherapy, one of the twelve core skills involves learning to observe your thoughts and feelings nonjudgmentally while grounding yourself in sensory awareness. You might sit outdoors beneath a tree, feel your feet on the earth, notice the movement of the wind, or listen to birdsong while observing the anxious thoughts moving through your awareness. Nature becomes an anchor that reminds you that life continues unfolding even during uncertainty.

Unlike purely cognitive approaches that may focus primarily on changing thought patterns, MBE integrates embodied awareness and ecological connection. The natural world helps regulate the nervous system by drawing your attention away from repetitive mental loops and back into the present moment.

Mindful Acceptance, Observing, and Describing

Another essential MBE skill is mindful observing. Instead of immediately reacting to anxiety, you learn to notice it with curiosity. What does the anxiety feel like in your body? Is your chest tight? Is your breathing shallow? Are your thoughts racing toward worst-case scenarios? By observing rather than fighting the experience, you create space between yourself and the anxiety.

This space allows you to make conscious decisions rather than reacting automatically.

The same principle applies in relationships. Imagine you feel disconnected from your partner because they rarely spend time with you. You suggest activities, initiate conversations, and communicate your feelings honestly, yet nothing changes. Many people respond to this situation by escalating their efforts to control the outcome. They may criticize, plead, withdraw emotionally, or become consumed with resentment.

Mindfulness-based ecotherapy approaches this differently.

Self-Compassion and Mindful Acceptance

One of the MBE skills involves recognizing the limits of personal control while strengthening self-awareness and self-compassion. You cannot force another person to change. However, you can change how you respond internally and externally. Practicing mindful acceptance means acknowledging your sadness, frustration, or disappointment without allowing those emotions to dominate your life.

In ecotherapy, the natural world often serves as a mirror for this process. Seasons change without resistance. Trees release leaves when it is time to let go. Rivers flow around obstacles instead of endlessly struggling against them. Nature teaches flexibility, adaptation, and resilience.

This ecological perspective is one of the major ways MBE differs from other mindfulness approaches. While many mindfulness practices emphasize internal awareness alone, mindfulness-based ecotherapy intentionally uses nature as both teacher and therapeutic partner.

Another of the twelve skills of MBE involves reducing rumination through present-moment sensory grounding. Rumination occurs when the mind repeatedly replays fears, regrets, or imagined future disasters. The more mental energy you feed into these cycles, the stronger they become.

Mindful acceptance interrupts this process.

You may notice the anxious thought arise, acknowledge it compassionately, and then redirect your awareness toward immediate sensory experience: the smell of rain, the warmth of sunlight, the sound of leaves moving in the wind, or the sensation of breathing deeply in fresh air. These practices help regulate emotional overwhelm by reconnecting you with the physical world instead of remaining trapped inside mental narratives.

Anxiety Has a Purpose

Mindfulness-based ecotherapy also recognizes that anxiety itself has a purpose. Anxiety evolved as a protective system designed to alert us to danger. In mindful acceptance, you are not trying to destroy anxiety or suppress difficult emotions. Instead, you learn to relate to them differently.

You might silently say:

“Thank you, anxiety, for trying to protect me. I am listening carefully, but I will also trust my own wisdom.”

This compassionate inner dialogue reflects another MBE principle: developing a collaborative relationship with your emotions instead of waging war against them.

Finally, mindful acceptance teaches that mistakes are not evidence of failure, but growth opportunities. In nature, growth rarely occurs without struggle. Forests regenerate after fires. Rivers carve canyons through persistence over time. Ecosystems adapt continuously to changing conditions.

Human beings are no different.

Every mistake contains information that can deepen wisdom, resilience, and self-understanding. Through mindful acceptance, you learn that healing does not require perfection. It requires awareness, compassion, flexibility, and the willingness to remain present even during uncertainty.

Mindfulness-based ecotherapy reminds you that while you cannot always control life’s circumstances, you can learn to live more peacefully within them. By reconnecting with nature, practicing mindful awareness, and letting go of unnecessary struggle, you create space for healing, growth, and inner balance.

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The Skill of Mindfulness: Learning a New Way of Living

skill of mindfulness
skill of mindfulness

The skill of mindfulness is much like learning any other ability in life. At first, it may feel awkward, unfamiliar, or even frustrating. That’s because mindfulness often asks you to do the exact opposite of what you have been conditioned to do for years. Instead of reacting automatically, mindfulness encourages you to pause. Instead of avoiding difficult emotions, mindfulness teaches you to notice them with awareness and compassion. Instead of living on autopilot, mindfulness invites you to become fully present in your life.

Because of this, practicing the skill of mindfulness can initially feel uncomfortable. Many mindfulness exercises may seem strange simply because they are different from the fast-paced, distracted, and reactive habits most people develop over time. But “different” does not mean bad. It simply means new. Every meaningful change in life begins with stepping outside familiar patterns.

Practicing the Skill of Mindfulness

One of the most important things to remember about the skill of mindfulness is that it takes practice. You probably will not feel completely calm, centered, or enlightened after trying mindfulness once or twice. In fact, many people become discouraged because they expect immediate results. Mindfulness is not a quick fix or magic solution. It is a gradual process of retraining the mind and learning healthier ways of relating to thoughts, emotions, and experiences.

Patience is essential. Growth often happens slowly and quietly. Just because you do not notice a dramatic change right away does not mean mindfulness is not working. Like planting a seed, the benefits develop over time with consistent care and attention.

There is an old saying often attributed to Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Whether Einstein actually said it or not, the idea contains an important truth. If your current habits repeatedly lead to stress, anxiety, emotional pain, conflict, or dissatisfaction, then continuing those same habits will likely produce the same outcomes. Familiar behaviors feel comfortable because they are known, even when they are unhealthy.

The skill of mindfulness offers another path.

Observing with the Skill of Mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches you how to step back from automatic reactions and become more intentional in the way you live. Rather than immediately reacting with anger, fear, judgment, or avoidance, you learn to observe what is happening internally before responding. This simple shift can create profound changes in relationships, emotional health, and overall well-being.

For example, many people spend much of their lives worrying about the future or replaying painful memories from the past. The mind becomes trapped in cycles of regret, fear, shame, or anticipation. Mindfulness gently guides attention back to the present moment. The present moment is where life is actually happening. When you become grounded in the present, you may notice that many worries lose some of their power.

The Skill of Mindfulness: More than Meditation

Although meditation is often associated with mindfulness, the skill of mindfulness is much more than sitting quietly with your eyes closed. Mindfulness is a way of approaching everyday life. You can practice mindfulness while walking, eating, listening to music, washing dishes, driving, or having a conversation. Any moment can become an opportunity to practice awareness.

Mindfulness also encourages greater self-compassion. Many people criticize themselves harshly whenever they struggle or make mistakes. Mindfulness teaches you to notice those self-critical thoughts without becoming consumed by them. Instead of attacking yourself for being imperfect, you learn to approach yourself with patience and understanding. This shift alone can be deeply healing.

Learning the skill of mindfulness is similar to learning music, painting, sports, or any other craft. Nobody becomes an expert overnight. Leonardo da Vinci did not paint the Mona Lisa the first time he picked up a paintbrush. Great skill develops through repeated practice, persistence, and willingness to learn from mistakes.

Permission to Practice Imperfectly

The same is true for mindfulness. Some days you may feel calm and focused. On other days, your mind may wander constantly. That is normal. The goal of mindfulness is not perfection. The goal is awareness. Each time you gently bring your attention back to the present moment, you are strengthening the skill of mindfulness little by little.

Over time, mindfulness can help you become more emotionally balanced, less reactive, and more connected to your experiences. It can improve relationships, reduce stress, and help you cultivate a deeper sense of peace and acceptance. Most importantly, mindfulness helps you live your life more fully instead of merely rushing through it on autopilot.

Permit yourself to practice imperfectly. You do not need to master mindfulness immediately. Simply begin where you are. With time, patience, and repetition, the skill of mindfulness can become a natural and meaningful part of your daily life. It is a skill that requires practice. Leonardo da Vinci didn’t paint the Mona Lisa the first time he picked up a paintbrush. Leonardo Da Vinci didn’t paint the Mona Lisa the first time he picked up a paintbrush. Likewise, you probably won’t be able to jump right into a ‘mindful awareness’ mode of being without a lot of practice. That’s okay. Permit yourself to practice once in a while. The more you do so, the more mindful you’ll become!

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Learning to be Mindful: The Fisherman and His Son

fisherman and his son

The Fisherman and His Son is a parable that illustrates how to be mindfully intentional. It’s been said that the definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing in the same way and expecting different results.” In other words, if what you’re doing isn’t working, doing more of the same isn’t likely to work either. It may be time to do something different.

Mindfulness is a way to do something different.

When we commit to change, it sometimes feels strange at first. If you think about it, this only makes sense because if it didn’t feel weird, you’d probably already be doing it. Sometimes you have to think outside the box to get the change you want. This parable illustrates the concept of being open to trying something new, even if it feels strange at first.

The Fisherman and His Son: A Mindful Parable

A fisherman and his son were at sea, going about the daily tasks of catching enough fish to make their living. It was a beautiful spring day, and they were both enjoying the ocean. They were having a particularly good day. They had caught many fish, and they were ready to turn for home and make their way back to the shore when the fisherman noticed a tiny leak at the bow of the boat. The boat was slowly filling up with water. While the leak wasn’t a big one, they both realized that the boat would be full of water before they could row back to shore.

The father and son began to panic as they thought of the prospect of losing not only their boat, but the fine catch they had made that day. In his panic, the father suddenly seized upon an idea. He grabbed the oar and punched a hole in the side of the boat.

The son thought his fisherman father had gone mad. “What are you doing?” the son shouted.

The father replied, “I’m punching a hole in the bottom of the boat so the water can flow out!”

They both watched in horror as more water rushed into the boat the father had made. Seeing that his idea had not succeeded, but had only made things worse, the father began to furiously punch even more holes in the bottom of the boat.

The son, upon seeing this, yelled at his father, “Will you please stop it? Can’t you see you are only making things worse?”

But the fisherman said, “No, my idea will work! I just didn’t have enough holes in the boat! If I keep punching holes in the boat, the water will eventually flow out!”

The son watched helplessly as the father, in a frenzy, continued to batter more holes into the hull of the boat. Finally, the boat overflowed, sinking to the bottom of the sea and taking the catch of the day with it. The father and son had to swim to shore.

Upon arriving at the shore, totally exhausted, they both realized that they had not only lost a fine catch, but they had also lost their means of making a living. With the boat gone, they could no longer be fishermen. With great sadness, they turned to make their way home, wondering about what they’d do to survive in the future.

To think about…

What solutions to problems have you been trying that only make the problem worse? How could you make it better instead? If what you’re doing isn’t working, could it be time to try something different?

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Living in the Moment

living in the moment

Living in the moment is a key skill of mindfulness. We all have things that make us anxious. Think about some things that cause you anxiety or stress. Now ask yourself, “How many of them have to do with worrying about events that happened in the past?”

It doesn’t matter how recently the event took place. It could have been five years ago, five days ago, five minutes ago, or five seconds ago.

Now, how many of them have to do with anxiety over an event that may or may not happen in the future? Some events that cause you stress might involve both the past and the future, because you may be disappointed or angry about something that happened in the past and concerned that it will happen again in the future.

Do any of your worries have to do with anything that is occurring right now, at this very moment? Note that some things may have their root causes in the past, but you may be worried or anxious about them in the present. In such a case, the event that led to your present anxiety is still in the past. It’s your choice in the present moment whether or not to pay attention to the memory of that event. This is the essence of living in the moment.

Think about the things that cause you stress in your day-to-day life. As you do, ponder the fact that unless someone invents a time machine, you cannot go back and change anything in the past. The past no longer exists except in your memory. Since the only place the past exists is in your memory, you are in control of it. You can choose which memories to pay attention to and which to ignore. The time to do this is in the present, while living in the moment.

Likewise, the future does not exist except as an extrapolation of the mind. When we anticipate anxiety-provoking events in the future, we are engaging in crystal ball thinking. It’s as if we imagine we have a crystal ball and we’re trying to predict negative outcomes for the future. Trying to anticipate what may or may not happen in the future is just a mental exercise, and nothing based in reality. You might think that some things are likely to happen, and some things are less likely to happen, but unless you have a crystal ball or a time machine, the only way to know for sure what will happen in the future is to wait and see.

living in the moment

The key point to remember here is that feelings are not facts. Moods are not facts. Thoughts are not facts. Moods, thoughts, and feelings are just processes of the mind. If you are stressed or depressed over past or future events, you have the choice over which feelings and moods to pay attention to, and which thoughts and feelings to let go of.

A benefit of Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy is that when we leave Doing Mode and enter Being Mode, we stop worrying about the past or stressing over the future, if only for a moment.

Note that this doesn’t mean that leaving Doing Mode and entering Being Mode makes bad moods go away. It just means that by entering Being Mode, we allow ourselves the choice of not giving energy to those negative moods.

By living in the moment, we create some space between our True Selves and our thoughts, moods, and feelings. This space allows us some breathing room. It also allows us to come to know that we are not our moods. We are not our feelings. We get to choose who and what we are.

This all happens by living in the moment.

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Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance means that you learn to accept yourself and others without judgment. It is a skill that can be learned in an afternoon, yet take a lifetime to master, especially in Western cultures where we are conditioned to strive for certain ideals of perfection. We are told by the media that if we don’t drive the right car, wear the right clothes, eat the right foods, vote for the right political candidate and wear the right perfume, we will not be accepted by others. This conditioning must be overcome in order to achieve radical acceptance.

The first step in radical acceptance is to meditate on the assumptions we have created for ourselves.

Examples of these might be, “I’m not handsome enough,” or, “I’m not smart enough,” or, “Nobody likes me.” Radical acceptance recognizes such thoughts and feelings without making value judgments about them, and without trying to deny or affirm them. For example, the thought, “Nobody likes me,” is not true, but the goal of radical acceptance is to simply note the fact that this thought is present in the observer’s psyche, and not to make a truth value judgment about the contents of the statement. It can be accepted as a thought process while not having to be incorporated into the observer’s sense of identity.

From this perspective, we are less concerned about whether or not the thought or feeling is true as we are about whether or not it is helpful. Is it effective to have these thoughts or feelings? If not, can I let them go?

Case Study: Juliet
Juliet has had a series of relationships. Every time one of these relationships ends, she goes into a downward spiral of emotional self-abuse, telling herself that she’s not good enough to have a relationship, asking herself why she’s such a “loser,” and panicking at the thought of being alone yet again. This panic causes her to leap right into yet another relationship and repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Implicit in all these thought and feeling cycles is the theme, “What’s wrong with me?”

By learning to radically accept herself just as she is, Juliet could come to realize that “This is the way I deal with emotions.” Eventually she may even be able to accept herself with unconditional love, and see this quirk as just a thing she does, and not as a character flaw. When caught in these cycles, Juliet could ask herself, “Is it true that there is something wrong with me? Is it helpful or effective to think that there is something wrong with me?”

Additionally, Juliet could learn that thoughts and feelings are not facts. They’re just things the brain has sometimes been conditioned to do in response to certain situations.

The irony is that by learning to accept these thoughts and feelings as a part of herself, it may lead to the realization that there is nothing wrong with her. Even if she never comes to that realization, she will be able to accept it as just a thing she does from time to time. It is perfectly natural to wonder “Is there something wrong with me;” however, such a question is just a thought, and not a fact.

Radical acceptance is the ability to see clearly the thoughts and feelings that are going on within us, as they occur, and to be able to accept them with love and openness. It also means coming to realize that thoughts and feelings are not facts.

When Juliet began to practice mindful meditation, she came to understand that the panic produced by losing a relationship was caused by her desire to find the “perfect” man for her. By finding this idealized individual, she hoped to prove her own self-worth. In her mind, if she could find the perfect man, he would help her to become the perfect woman. As Juliet came to recognize that her idea of perfection was just an arbitrary standard she had imposed on herself, she was able to accept and even love herself, even with all of her perceived “flaws.” This diminished need to be “perfect” allowed her to actually move towards loving herself just as she was. This renewed self-confidence allowed her to enter into a relationship that later led to a happy and successful marriage.

Juliet credited the success of her relationship on the fact that, “I learned to be responsible for my own happiness and well-being. In my previous relationships, I had put the responsibility for my happiness on my partner(s), and this impossible situation eventually drove them away. Once I learned to accept responsibility for my own happiness, I found someone with whom to share that happiness.”

Radical acceptance is about minimizing avoidance as much as possible. By meeting life head-on instead of trying to avoid certain aspects of it (such as unpleasant thoughts and emotions), we are able to live life more fully.
According to Hoffman & Asmundson (2008), “Patients are encouraged to embrace unwanted thoughts and feelings – such as anxiety, pain, and guilt – as an alternative to experiential avoidance. The goal is to end the struggle with unwanted thoughts and feelings without attempting to change or eliminate them.”

Baer, R. A. (2003). Mindfulness training as a clinical intervention: A conceptual and empirical review. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 125–143. Introduction to Special Issue 183

Cordon, S. L., Brown, K. W., & Gibson, P. R. (2009). The role of mindfulness-based stress reduction in perceived stress: Preliminary evidence for the moderating role of attachment style. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy: An International Quarterly, 23(3), 258–269.

Dimeff, L., & Linehan, M.M. (2001). Dialectical Behavior Therapy in a Nutshell. The California Psychologist, 34, 10-13.

Hofmann, S. G., & Asmundson, G. J. G. (2008). Acceptance and mindfulness-based therapy: New wave or old hat? Clinical Psychology Review, 28(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2007.09.003

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Acceptance vs. Change

Cost-Benefit Analysis Acceptance and Change


“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

-The Serenity Prayer of Reinhold Niebuhr

Many of us are familiar with the Serenity Prayer. It deals with the dialectic of Acceptance vs. Change. This dialectic may be illustrated as the in the picture above.

One of the skills we develop in the practice of mindfulness is the skill of acceptance. Acceptance allows us to experience emotions and thoughts without feeling obligated to react to them. This is done by noting the emotion or thought, and then letting go of the thought and feeling processes that the emotion generates. Acceptance teaches us that thoughts and feelings are not facts. They are simply processes of the mind.

Mindful awareness teaches us the art of acceptance. Emotional reactions to our circumstances are natural, but that doesn’t mean that we have to respond to these emotions. The mindful skill of acceptance teaches us that we can experience these emotions without engaging in cycles of behavior, thought or feeling that lead us to negative consequences. Acceptance teaches us that we are not our thoughts, and that we are not our emotions. At any time we can choose which thoughts and emotions we wish to respond to, and which to let go of.

“Never underestimate your power to change yourself; never overestimate your power to change others.”

-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Some things in life that cause us stress, anxiety and depression are things we can change. Others are things we cannot change, but must learn to accept. As Niebuhr reminds us, true wisdom lies in knowing the difference between the two. In Being Mode, we come to recognize the fact that true happiness can only come from within. There’s good news and bad news with this realization. The bad news is that nobody can change your life circumstances but you. The good news is that nobody can change your life circumstances but you.
Mindful Acceptance includes, among other things, the idea that you can only change yourself. If your problems involve other people, then you can only accept that they are who they are. You cannot change anyone but yourself.

The art of Mindful Acceptance can best be described as the Art of Letting Go. Once you have done everything in your power to solve a problem, you have done all you can, so at that point worry and stress is counterproductive.

Note that letting go of the stress and anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean letting go of the problem itself. For example, suppose you have a car payment coming up, and you don’t have the money to pay it. This would naturally cause you anxiety. If, after brainstorming for solutions, you find that you still don’t have the money to pay the car payment, then at that point you’ve done all you can do. So at that point, you let go of the anxiety associated with the problem.

That doesn’t mean that you let go of car payments altogether. You’ll make the payment when you can. In this instance, letting go just means that you won’t worry about not being able to make the payment. The energy you might have used worrying about the situation could be put to better use in trying to come up with solutions.

Let’s try another example, this one a bit tougher. Imagine you’re in a relationship. You feel that your partner doesn’t spend enough time with you. You offer suggestions on activities you can do together, only to be met with a blank stare or excuses about why your partner doesn’t have the time to participate in an activity with you.

Once you’ve done everything you can do to persuade your partner to spend more time with you, if you still aren’t getting the results you want, it’s time to practice letting go. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you let go of your partner. It just means that you let go of the anxiety associated with the problem. Once you let go of that anxiety, you may find that your partner will actually want to spend more time with you, because you are less stressed-out. But even if this is not the case, you’ve let go of the stress associated with an emotionally distant partner.

Mindful Acceptance is looking at the thoughts and feelings that cause you anxiety, worry, or stress. As you examine these thoughts, ask yourself which of these thoughts concern things you have the power to change. Make a conscious decision to focus your energy only on those things in your life that you have the power to change. If you focus on those things that you cannot change, you are not using your energy to change the things that you can.

Decide right now that you will not feed your negative thoughts by giving in to them. Realize that it is natural to have negative thoughts, but having those thoughts does not mean that they have to control your life. Learn trust your own inner wisdom. While negative thoughts may come, you do not have to let them rule your life.

Another key to Mindful Acceptance is to understand that anxiety has a useful purpose. It is nature’s way of letting us know that there is something wrong. Your anxiety protects you from harm, but sometimes it may do its job too well. Ask your anxiety if it is trying to protect you from something that you cannot change. Picture yourself thanking your anxiety for protecting you, and say to your anxiety, “I am now using my own inner wisdom to make positive choices in my life.”

Mindful Acceptance teaches us that each mistake is an opportunity for growth. Each mistake contains a lesson. If you never made a mistake, you would never have an opportunity to learn and grow. In Mindful Acceptance, you learn to accept your mistakes as signs that you are becoming a stronger and wiser individual.

Segal, Z. V., Williams, J. M. G., & Teasdale, J. D. (2002). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for depression: A new approach for preventing relapse. New York: Guilford Press.

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Being Effective

Mindfulness is the art of being effective. This simply means doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t work.

As you continue to hone your ability to focus only on one thing at a time, this skill can be extended to problem-solving. When you become mindfully aware of a problem with the idea of solving it, you have focused your intention on the solution rather than on the problem. You can talk about a problem all day, but in the end, talking about a problem does nothing to help solve it. Only by focusing your intention on solutions will the problem get solved.

In Mindfulness we speak of the power of intention. This means that we choose every act deliberately and purposefully, focusing our awareness on each task with intention. When using the power of intention, we never wander about aimlessly, driven by the winds of whim and fortune. Every act is deliberate. Every act is intentional. This is the power of intention.

Once there was a sculptor who was famous for his carvings of animals. Of all the animals he carved, his elephants were the most lifelike and inspiring. One day an art student came to him and asked him the secret to creating such beautiful elephants.

“The answer,” the artist replied, “Is simple. You just get a block of marble and chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”

When difficulties arise in life, it’s usually because we’ve set out to carve an elephant, but we suddenly find ourselves carving a bear or a donkey or some other animal instead. When this happens, we’ve gotten caught up in the details of living, and we have lost sight of our original goal, the elephant.

You may talk about the problem for as long you wish, but simply talking about the problem doesn’t do anything to actually solve the problem. If your intention is to have a happy, healthy life and happy, healthy relationships, then anything that doesn’t promote these ideals is irrelevant. It’s just marble to be carved away. If you find yourself constantly discussing problems, and never reaching resolution, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” or perhaps, “Is this the elephant I’m trying to carve, or is it just excess marble?”

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) was developed by Segal, Williams and Teasdale (2002) as a method of treating clinical depression and for preventing relapse. There are eight sessions in the usual MBCT intervention:

  1. Automatic pilot and mindfulness
  2. Dealing with barriers and pleasant events
  3. Mindfulness of the breath
  4. Staying present
  5. Allowing and letting be
  6. Thoughts are not facts
  7. How can I best take care of myself?
  8. Using what has been learned to deal with future moods

In the first session, students are taught how to switch from “automatic pilot mode” or habitual mode, to intentional mode. Intentional mode involves moving from a ruminative mode to a mindful mode. Rumination in this sense refers to the tendency to engage in automatic patterns of thought, feeling and experience that lead to a recurrence of depressive symptoms.

These automatic patterns are driven by memory; i.e., they are learned responses to certain stimuli. By harnessing the power of intention, the practitioner of MBCT moves from this automatic ruminative state to an intentional, purposeful mindful state. Intentionality involves metacognition (thinking about thinking). By becoming a conscious observer of these automatic states, the student learns that these automatic thought processes are simply thoughts. They are not destiny, nor or they identity. My acting intentionally to step outside of oneself and simply observe and describe these automatic thoughts and feelings, practitioners learn that they have control over these internal states.

By using the power of intention to move from Thinking Mode to Sensing Mode, the student learns to view unwanted or difficult thoughts and feelings as passing mental events, and not as permanent characteristics. If the student can intentionally “ride out the wave” of depression or anxiety, then he/she will learn that “this too shall pass.”

Williams JM, Russell I, Russell D. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy: further issues in current evidence and future research. J Consult Clin Psychol. 2008 Jun;76(3):524-9. doi: 10.1037/0022-006X.76.3.524. PMID: 18540746; PMCID: PMC2834575.