Category: Mindfulness

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Memories: Making the Pieces Fit

memories

There are many types of memory. Let’s talk about two of them: Implicit Memory and Narrative Memory. Implicit memories are memories about specific events. What did you have for breakfast this morning? What outfit did you wear yesterday? Which people did you talk to today? The answers to these questions are implicit memories.

Narrative memories are memories that try to make sense of our various experiences on a day-to-day basis. Narrative memories integrate our implicit memories into a coherent whole. While implicit memories are the ‘what,’ narrative memories are the ‘why.’ Suppose I don’t usually eat eggs for breakfast, but today I decided to have scrambled eggs. The memory of having scrambled eggs is an implicit memory that answers the question, “What did I have for breakfast?” Further suppose that I was having breakfast with a friend who knew my eating habits, and my friend commented that I don’t usually eat eggs. If I search my own mind for a reason why I chose eggs for breakfast on this particular day, the reason I come up with will be the ‘why’ of narrative memory.

Our lives are made up of implicit memories of our daily events. In order to make sense of our lives, we link these events together in a narrative that gives our lives meaning. These stories that we create about our life experiences are our narrative memories. We all write our own autobiographies every day of our lives. This process of autobiography writing is our narrative memory fitting the pieces of our implicit memories together like a jigsaw puzzle.

Integrating Memories

For most of us, most of the time, our stories make sense and everything runs smoothly. But sometimes we get a bunch of implicit memories that we just can’t seem to fit into our own narratives. It’s as if, while working this jigsaw puzzle, we somehow grabbed a handful of pieces from another box. When this happens, we have to ‘change the picture’ of our life stories to incorporate these new puzzle pieces. This process of fitting the new pieces into the puzzle is called integration.

If we are able to successfully integrate all of these implicit memories, then there’s no problem. If we have difficulty making some of the pieces fit, it usually means that we’d have to change our worldview and re-write our own narrative in order to fit those pieces into the puzzle. This can be a frustrating experience. Sometimes that frustration manifests in emotional aggression.

Living a life of consistency means finding a way to make all of the pieces fit without getting frustrated or without having to act out in emotionally aggressive ways. By learning to integrate our True Selves into the story of our lives, we fit all of our implicit memories into a new narrative memory that creates this new paradigm. When all of these pieces have fit together, we are living at the core of our True Selves.

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The Litany Against Fear

Litany Against Fear Dune Peninsula Tacoma

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert’s Dune

Frank Herbert’s science fiction classic Dune is enjoying a revival due to the success of the movies by director Denis Villeneuve. The Litany Against Fear highlighted above is from the original novel. Hidden within this litany from science fiction author Frank Herbert is a key principle of mindfulness.

Most emotional aggression is the result of some type of fear, whether we are willing to admit it or not. The Litany against Fear is a great way to conquer this fear by conquering the conflict within ourselves. By turning within we are able to live in True Self and achieve a life of consistent positive consequences. Let’s examine how this works, line-by-line from the litany above:

“I will face my fear.”

Emotional aggression is usually the result of an attempt to avoid fear or to make our fear someone else’s responsibility. The natural tendency is to avoid danger by attempting to avoid the fear. This sometimes causes us to lash out in emotionally aggressive ways. But if we are able to turn and face the fear, we begin to see that it is not some all-powerful monster.
One way to do this is by ‘breathing into’ the fear. To do this, start a mindful breathing exercise by focusing only on your breath. Next, leave Doing Mode and enter Being Mode by letting go of the desire to run away from the fear. Simply breathe, relax, and greet the fear with open acceptance.

“I will permit it to pass over me and through me.”

By turning to face the fear and by breathing into it, we are not trying to engage in avoidance behavior or ruminating cycles. The goal here is to accept that the fear is already here. It is letting go of anticipation and realizing that the fear cannot touch us unless we choose to allow it to. By coming to this realization, we leave Thinking Mode and enter Sensing Mode, letting the fear wash over us like a wave. As it passes over and through us, it has no power over us unless we let it.

“And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.”

As the fear passes through and we move from Thinking Mode to Sensing Mode, we engage our inner observer to focus on the path that the fear has traveled. What is this path? It is the path of the ruminating cycle. The ruminating cycle began with a trigger, so by turning our inner eye to see the path, we are able to trace it back to the source: The trigger that acted as a catalyst. Remember, the goal isn’t to try to change anything here. We’re just using Sensing Mode to observe and describe the path that the fear has taken.

“When the fear has gone there will be nothing.”

Fear does not exist, except in the mind. Danger may exist in our external circumstances, and that danger may be very real, but fear is an emotional response to danger. We choose to be fearful. The good news is that we may also choose not to be fearful. When we trace the fear back to its point of origin we are able to create a different, less fearful response, or to choose to simply sit with the fear until it subsides on its own, without feeling the need to try to do something to stop it.

“Only I will remain.”

Once you have done this exercise by reciting the Litany Against Fear, you may come to find that the fear is no longer a problem. When you have faced your fears by standing as close to the ‘fire’ as possible, you may come to know that fear cannot touch you unless you choose to let it. Anxiety cannot touch you unless you choose to let it. Depression cannot touch you unless you choose to let it.

Even if the fear remains, with mindful awareness you may come to realize that you do not have to ‘do’ anything about it. You can choose to simply ‘be’ with it instead.

When you are able to do this regularly, you will have found a way to conquer your fears in a consistent manner.

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Mindful Walking

mindful walking the coyote walk

Mindful Walking utilizes mindfulness and ecopsychology as emotional regulation skills. This is especially true if you are able to do this exercise outdoors. Mindful walking may be used to de-fuse potential emotional aggression. If you feel that one of your triggers has been activated, and you can take a break, go outside and do a little mindful walking!

The goal of a mindful walking exercise is to increase self-awareness by focusing on the sensations your body experiences while walking. Your brain takes in about 2 billion bytes of information per second. Of all this information being taken in, you are usually only conscious of about 4000 bytes of this information. This Mindful Walking exercise helps you to learn to become more consciously aware by learning to focus on only one thing at a time. By being present in the moment, we learn to let go of worries about the past, and anxieties about the future.

It is preferable to do this exercise outdoors if possible, but if necessary you may also do the exercise indoors. You may wish to make a recording of it for your mp3 player so that you may take it with you while you walk, or you can watch the video below to get a good idea of the process. the video below is for the Coyote Walk Meditation, a type of mindful walking that we use in our Ecospirituality Program.

Mindful Walking Instructions

Read over the instructions below, then try it on your own:

  • Start by standing with your feet about shoulder width apart, with your weight evenly distributed. Your hands should hang loosely and freely by your side. Gaze at the ground about five or six feet in front of you. Don’t focus your eyes on anything…just allow your eyes to relax.
  • Center yourself before beginning to walk by taking a few deep breaths before beginning to walk. Don’t begin to walk until your attention and intention are focused on the moment. Shift from Doing Mode to Being Mode.
  • When you are ready, slowly lift your right leg in preparation for taking the first step.
  • As you step, focus on feeling every muscle in your leg. Note what each muscle is doing as you move. Don’t hurry the step. Just allow yourself to experience all the sensations that your leg is giving to you. Step forward until your right foot makes contact with the ground. Notice how your foot makes contact with the surface.
  • Did your heel touch first, or was it your toes?
  • Did you feel the pressure of contact first with the inside edge of your foot, or with the outside edge?
  • Now as you begin to bring your left foot forward for another step, notice how the weight changes on your right foot. Is it changing from heel to toe, or the other way around? Where do your feet feel the pressure? Can you feel the pressure move across your right foot as you make the next step?
  • Now as you bring your left foot forward to make contact with the ground, repeat the procedure. Note how the pressure and weight change over your left foot and leg as you prepare to make another step with your right foot.
  • Continue on, walking in the same manner, paying attention only to the way your body moves as you continue to walk. Focus only on the sensations your body continues to give you.
  • At times you may find yourself becoming distracted. If you notice a fragrance on the breeze, or if an animal crosses your path, or if you hear a bird singing, your mind may wander from the sensations of walking. If this happens, simply stop walking until your attention returns to you.
  • Sometimes the distractions are not in the environment, but in your mind. If thoughts and feelings take your mind off of the walking, then once again, stop walking until your mind returns to focusing only on the walking.
  • Remember that the goal of this exercise is to practice paying attention to only one thing at a time, and one thing only. If you feel tempted to begin thinking about the past or the future, stop walking until your thoughts and feelings return only to the sensations of the walking.
  • As you continue to practice Mindful Walking as part of your daily routine, your mind will become more calm and relaxed. Mindful walking is something that you can practice at any time during the day whenever you need a quick break from doing.
  • As you continue to practice focusing on only one thing at a time, you we gain more control over your own thoughts and feelings. You will become less prone to periods of overwhelming emotions and thoughts. You will also learn to experience the joy and the happiness within you.
  • Continue your walk, directing your attention only to the sensations of your walking. As you come to an end to this mindful walking meditation, slowly take your last step, and come to a stop, resting comfortably where you stand.
  • End the meditation by taking a few deep breaths and expanding your awareness to the environment around you. You may wish to do a mindful meditation during your mindful walking exercise as well.

Use the Mindful Walking meditation whenever you have the opportunity to take a quick break; especially if you find yourself experiencing anxiety or depression. Strong emotions can lead to emotional aggression, and you can de-fuse such ruminating cycles by shifting from Doing Mode into Being Mode. Mindful Walking helps you to do this by taking energy out of the thinking cycle and shifting it into the sensing cycle.

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Consequences and Letting Go

Ecospirituality

Consequences and letting go is about recognizing the choices we make that lead to consequences we don’t want to experience. Such choices have a tendency to be self-sustaining. That is because we usually make choices in the belief that those choices will make the problem better. But if we continue to make choices that we know aren’t going to make the problem better, then we’re going to continue to get the same results over and over again. The attempted solution to the problem instead makes the problem worse.

One way to get different consequences is to practice letting go. Letting go leads to radical acceptance. That is, if you are faced with a consequence you cannot change, then the only alternative is to accept that this situation cannot be changed. The first step to letting go is to ask ourselves, “What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?”

This doesn’t mean that we’re asking for the purpose of minimizing or denying concerns. It means that we’re asking this question so we can really figure out what we’re having difficulty accepting. Our fears are usually worse than the reality in situations like this. In some cases, our fears of the worst thing happening might actually be worse than if the worst thing actually did happen.

Once you’ve figured out what the worst thing is, next ask yourself, “Am I prepared for the worst thing? If not, can I accept the worst thing?” If you find that the answer is that you are not prepared for the worst thing, then the next step is to prepare yourself for the worst thing. In many cases where emotional aggression is an issue, the ‘worst thing’ involves other people. If the ‘worst thing’ is that someone else might gain the upper hand, or that someone else might be right, or even that someone else might even leave you, honestly ask yourself, “If this person is going to leave me, and I’m so stressed out about that possibility that I’m acting out in emotionally aggressive ways, would their leaving really be a bad thing?”

Another thing to ask n this situation is, “Am I so worried about this person leaving me that my behavior is actually going to be the reason that this person leaves me?”

Next ask yourself, “Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes? Who has the power to change it?” Note that in this case, ‘changing it’ doesn’t mean trying to get the other person to change. Changing it in this case means either changing yourself or ending the relationship. If you attempt to change the other person, you’re back to engaging in emotional aggression.

If you are having difficulty in accepting a consequence, answer the questions below about the consequence you’d like to change. Remember that the only way to change the consequence is indirectly, by changing the belief and the choice that led to the consequence. If the consequence has already happened, the only alternative left is to accept it and to make different choices the next time so you don’t get a similar consequence.

Questions to Ask Yourself about Consequences and Letting Go

Think about a consequence that you’d like to re-evaluate. It may help to write it down.

Now answer the question, “What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?” Focus on what you’re afraid might happen if you attempted to change the consequence by making a difference choice the next time. What we’re focusing on here is the consequence after the consequence. If you react negatively to a consequence, then you’ve just created another consequence that is also likely to turn out negative.

Next, answer the question, “Am I prepared for the worst thing?” This question is designed to ask if you have used all of your mindful skills to help you cope should the worst thing happen. Think of which coping skills from previous sessions might help you to find a way to prepare for the thing that you are afraid might happen. If the worst thing has already happened, ask yourself which coping skills might be used to help you to accept what has happened so that you can move on without acting in such a way that you get even further negative consequences.

The next question, “If not, can I accept the worst thing?” involves ways to let go of the consequence without feeling the need to act in an emotionally aggressive way, thereby getting yet another negative consequence. Think about the consequence you are evaluating and see if accepting the ‘worst thing’ in this scenario might help you to find a way to let go. If the consequence has already happened, remember that you can’t change what’s already happened, so there’s really nothing to let go of. All you can do is to engage in ‘damage control’ so that you don’t make the situation worse.

The question, “Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes?” helps to re-set your perception filter by focusing on the assumptions that led to the consequence. Let’s break that down a bit.

Consequences are the result of choices. If you’ve just experienced a negative consequence, ask yourself what choices you made that led to the negative consequence. Then ask yourself what might have to change in order to avoid getting a similar consequence the next time. Remember to keep the focus on what you have the power to change, and avoid ‘musterbating’ by avoiding the temptation to say what others should have done or could have done.

This leads to the final question, “Who has the power to change it?” If the answer to this question involves anyone else but yourself, then the only choice you have is to accept that the consequence is beyond your control. In that case, you will have to accept that this is just the way things are (mindful awareness) or change the way you think about it so that you may focus on the aspects of it that you do have the power to change.

Those aspects that you have the power to change are those choices that you made that led to the consequence. If the consequence was the result of something someone else did and you truly couldn’t have made any choice yourself that would have led to a different consequence, then the only remaining choice is to end the relationship. This is especially true if the consequence you experienced involved being abused in some way. In such a situation, no choice that you made led to the consequence of being abused. There is never any justifiable reason for abuse, and it is never the victim’s fault. In a situation where the consequence was abuse, the choice is to seek help immediately or to find safety as quickly as possible, and to set firm boundaries so that it never happens again.

Consequences and Letting Go List

For the sake of brevity, here’s a bullet list of questions to ask yourself when evaluating consequences. Evaluating consequences in this manner facilitates letting go.

What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?

Am I prepared for the worst thing?

If not, can I accept the worst thing?

Can I live the rest of my life this way if nothing changes?

Who has the power to change it?

The final lesson of Consequences and Letting Go is that you cannot change others. You can only change yourself. Remember that and letting go becomes easier. You can also download the worksheet below for practice in letting go.

01.12-Letting-Go-Worksheet-and-Diary-CardDownload
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The Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet

Cost-Benefit Analysis Acceptance and Change

The Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet can help with difficult choices. Our choices are a consequence of what we can change and what we have to accept. Mindful acceptance teaches us that we can only change ourselves, not others. If others in our lives are causing problems yet they are unwilling to change, then we either have to accept that fact or end the relationship. We can only be responsible for what we can change, which is our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Once I have accepted the fact that the only person I can change is myself, then my choices should reflect this knowledge.

The first step in learning to accept the choices of others is to assess your patterns of avoidant behaviors. Avoidant behaviors are any behaviors that are attempts to avoid taking responsibility for your own emotional states. Once these patterns of avoidant behavior have been identified, the next step in making good choices is to reframe those behaviors into patterns of acceptance.

What do avoidant behaviors look like? Suppose I am angry with my wife about something, but I don’t want to tell her because I don’t like conflict. That’s an avoidant behavior. So I hold it in and bite my tongue until I can’t stand it any longer, and then I explode in a fit of angry emotional aggression. Here’s how to turn this situation into an acceptance strategy by reframing the avoidant behavior:

In this case, the avoidant behavior is withholding communication because of a fear of conflict. What exactly am I afraid of? Am I afraid that if I tell her I’m angry, it’s going to make her angry in return? Am I afraid that she will think it’s silly that I’m angry about whatever it is? Am I afraid that she might even leave me if I share my feelings with her?

By figuring out exactly why I’m avoiding the issue, I can change it to a more accepting strategy through mindful acceptance. If I’m afraid that if I tell her that I’m angry, it’s going to make her angry in return, I could accept the fact that she is responsible for her own emotional reactions. If I’m afraid that she will think my anger is silly, I can instead accept that I’m entitled to my feelings regardless of what her opinion of them might be. In fact, her feelings are none of my business! If I’m afraid that she might even leave me if I share my feelings with her, then I can accept that I probably don’t need to be in a relationship with someone who won’t respect my right to feel the way I feel.

Are any of the choices you make in your relationships really attempts to engage in avoidant behaviors? If so, what ways could you reframe the beliefs that led to those behaviors so that you might be able to achieve mindful acceptance instead of having to avoid the issue?

Here are some common avoidant behaviors to look for:

  • Blame-shifting: Attempting to avoid personal responsibility by blaming others
  • Blamestorming: Blaming everyone and everything instead of accepting the situation as it really is
  • Emotional Aggression: Attempting to avoid personal responsibility by getting others to be responsible
  • Patterns of Control: Attempting to control others in order to avoid having to control yourself

The Cost-Benefit Analysis

A difficulty with choices is that once our assumptions about life have set our perception filter in a certain way, it’s sometimes hard to see the evidence on the other side of the coin. To make better choices, however, we need to be aware of evidence both in favor of and against a decision. The Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet is a way to re-set our perception filter by forcing ourselves to look at all the evidence both in favor of, and against, a decision.

There are four boxes on the Cost-Benefit Analysis Tool. At the top of the Tool there is a line for “Decision to be made.” On this line, write the decision that is being evaluated. For example, suppose you are contemplating whether or not to stay married. On the “decision to be made” line, you’d write, “stay married.”

Next, in the left-hand column there are two rows: “Benefits of doing this” and “benefits of not doing this.” In the “benefits of doing this” box you would write down all the benefits of staying married that you could think of. In the “benefits of not doing this” you would list all of the benefits of not staying married that you could think of. If you need extra paper, use a notebook. The goal here is to think of as many reasons as you can in both boxes.

Next, in the right-hand column, there is a row for “costs of doing this,” and a row for “costs of not doing this.” In the “costs of doing this” box, list all of the costs of staying married you can think of. Note that this isn’t necessarily talking about financial costs. This is also talking about emotional costs. Then in the next row, “costs of not doing this,” list as many costs as you can think of for not staying married.

Once you’ve listed as many reasons as you can think of in all of the appropriate columns, the next thing to do is to ‘score’ each item. The reason for assigning a score to each item is that some items are more important than others. When I got out of graduate school I was offered a job in New York. There were plenty of reasons for moving to New York, but only one reason for not moving to New York: My daughter lived with her mother, and if I moved to New York I’d only get to see her once a year. So that one item outweighed all the others.

So the reason for giving scores to each item is so that you can ‘weigh’ each item based on its importance to you.
Finally, you tally up all the scores in each column, and the high score ‘wins.’ That is, the column with the highest score should theoretically be the column upon which to base your decision.

A word of caution is in order here: Don’t just do this once and base your decision on a single result. The best way to evaluate the results is to do it several times over a period of days or weeks. Here’s why: Suppose I have a fight with my wife, and then I do a CBA Worksheet based on staying married vs. getting a divorce. Obviously if I’ve just had a fight with my wife, my answers are probably going to be a little skewed. So if I do this Cost-Benefit Analysis again and again over a period of time, my emotions regarding the decision are going to have a tendency to even out, and the average result is going to be the decision that I should make.

The Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet

Try a Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet now for practice. The goal here is to focus on the evidence both for and against the decision to be made. By seeing both sides of the issue, you are re-setting your perception filter so that you may challenge assumptions that are leading to consequences you don’t want.

You can download a copy of the CBA Worksheet by clicking the link below.

CBA Worksheet
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As I Think, so I Feel

As I Think, So I Feel - Feelings and Thoughts

“People feel disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.”

–Epictetus, 1st Century Philosopher

As Epictetus reminds us, as I think, so I feel. Thoughts cause feelings and feelings can cause behaviors if we let them.

Events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then create feelings. Events and circumstances do not cause our feelings. The thoughts (beliefs) we have about events and circumstances cause our feelings. We can consciously change our feelings about things by changing the thoughts and beliefs we have about things.

By examining the rules we have made for ourselves and for others, we can learn to change them so that we have different feelings. In the example from the trust seesaw last week, suppose I have a child who has been lying to me. If I have a belief that my child is showing disrespect by lying to me, I will probably be angry and upset that my child chose to be deceptive. What if I could change that belief? What if I consciously decided that my child’s lie was because I hadn’t made my child feel that it was safe to tell me the truth? How might that change my emotional reaction? Would it change how I felt about the situation?

By changing our thoughts about a given situation, we can control the feelings we have about that situation.

“As I Feel, so I Think”

While it is true that “as I think, so I feel,” it is also true that, “as I feel, so I think.” Feelings are part of the reptilian brain. This concept is part of something called the Triune Brain Theory. In this theory there are three major portions of the brain. The primitive brain, sometimes called the reptilian brain, governs things having to do with immediate survival: Food, fighting, fleeing and reproduction. Next is the limbic system, sometimes called the mammalian brain, responsible for regulating the higher emotions. The third part of the brain is the cerebral cortex, responsible for higher reasoning and logic skills.

In the case of the more visceral emotional responses, the reptilian brain activates first, then the mammalian brain, and finally the reasoning centers. In such a case an automatic emotional response has been activated and the ‘fight or flight’ response is triggered before the higher reasoning centers are even aware of any activity. As noted earlier, such automatic responses are usually operating on the subconscious level, and they are in full swing by the time the rational brain figures out what’s going on.

These feelings then lead to thought processes. These thought processes often become ruminating cycles, and sometimes these ruminating cycles lead to emotional aggression. If these thought processes are leading us to behave in ways that result in consequences we don’t want, it’s a bit more difficult to track down these triggers because they are rooted in subconscious processes.

As noted earlier, these processes leave physiological traces. By using the mindful skills of observing and describing we can tune in to these physical signs. Becoming aware of these early warning signals is a way to ‘shut off’ or slow down automatic processes so the rules can be changed. In this case, the ‘rules’ are the thoughts we have about the feelings. When negative feelings hit, we are conditioned to believe we must do something to make them stop. But by engaging our own internal observer, we can come to realize that feelings are feelings; we don’t have to respond or react to them. At any given time we are in control of what we choose to believe and do about the feelings we are experiencing.

When I teach a Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy class, one of the first questions I ask is, “How many of you in the room here today have never been depressed in your entire life? How many of you here today have never been angry? How many of you here have never been troubled by overpowering emotions?” Of course, nobody raises their hand. We are conditioned to believe that negative and overpowering emotions are somehow “not normal,” but the truth is that expecting never to have negative emotions is like expecting never to have a cloudy day. Cloudy days are natural, but they don’t last forever. If we wait long enough, the sun will shine again. Likewise, if we’re having a bad day emotionally, we don’t have to try to do anything to fix it. If we wait long enough, the feeling will eventually pass.

As I Think, So I Feel: Addictions

I work a lot with people who have addictions. These addictions aren’t necessarily addictions to alcohol and other drugs. People can be addicted to food, to bad relationships, to anger, to emotional aggression, or to a host of other different things and processes. All of these things produce chemical changes in our brains.

Our bodies are complex systems of cycles. These cycles peak and trough throughout the day, and throughout our lifetimes. They come and go in waves. When certain waves peak together, that’s when those addictive cravings hit. We may crave alcohol, or chocolate, or an argument to try to get our systems back in balance. When we’re on top of that craving wave, it can feel like that urge is never going to go away. But since these changes occur in cycles, if you can ‘ride the wave,’ these urges will eventually subside.

If we don’t give in to them, and we learn wait patiently for them to go through their paces by living in the moment, we can take comfort in the fact that they will eventually go away. Mindful Awareness helps us to know our bodies and their complex cycles. It also helps us to know that this too shall pass.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying that recovery takes place “one day at a time.” Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy says that if “one day at a time” is too much, try “one hour at a time.” If “one hour at a time” is too much, try “one minute at a time.” If “one minute at a time” is too much, try “one moment at a time.” Leave Doing Mode by remembering that nothing has to happen right now. You don’t have to ‘fix’ it. You can sit quietly with it and ‘ride the wave’ until it passes.

When you can do so, you will understand how to be in the present with your thoughts and feelings without feeling obligated to respond to them in detrimental ways.

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Mindful Self-Control

Self-Control Point Ruston letting go

“Happiness is the absence of the pursuit of happiness.”

–Chuang Tsu

Self-control is a requirement for happiness. This quote by Chuang Tsu reminds us that if we are happy, there is no need to pursue happiness, and that if we are pursuing happiness, then it is obvious that we must not be happy! So how can self-control lead to happiness?

Emotional aggression is the pursuit of happiness in unproductive ways. When we act out of emotional aggression, we are trying to get others to be responsible for our happiness. If I rely on others to make me happy, I have just handed control of my life over to others. If others are in control of my happiness, then I can only be happy when they choose to indulge my need for happiness.

The need to control others can sometimes reveal our own insecurities. These insecurities lead to emotional aggression because when we feel vulnerable we feel out of control. When we feel out of control, we sometimes feel that we can regain that control by controlling those around us.

Sometimes the desire to control others manifests in something called self-sabotaging behaviors. A self-sabotaging behavior is a pattern of action that leads us into failure. By deliberately setting ourselves up to fail, we can be attempting to punish those who care about us by punishing ourselves. Sometimes this takes the form of, “I’ll show them! I’ll hurt myself in some way so they’ll regret the way they treated me!”

Ultimately such behaviors are attempts to solicit pity out of others by making them feel guilty. To a person engaged in self-sabotaging behaviors, negative attention is better than no attention at all. In such a case, this person may not know how to seek attention in positive ways, so he attempts to seek attention in the only way he knows how: By injuring himself in some way and hoping this self-injury will cause others to reach out to him.

Another aspect of self-sabotaging is that it is abdicating responsibility to succeed. If I consciously act in ways that go against my own best interests, then I don’t have to try to find a way to be successful. The good news is that you can choose how to feel, and how to behave. In fact, you are the only person who can make that decision for yourself. Another person can never tell you how to feel or how to act.

Self-Control and Beliefs

The key to self-control is to realize that events and circumstances do not cause your reactions. What you believe about events and circumstances cause your reactions. Think about the last time you were stressed out. Were you stressed out because of the events in your life, or were you stressed out because of what you chose to believe about those events? If the stress was a result of the events in your life, then there is nothing you can do to change, and you will never be in control of your own life. You will live like a leaf on the wind, constantly blown to and fro on the winds of chance.

But if the stress was the result of what you chose to believe about those circumstances, then the good news is that you are in control of those beliefs. You can change them so that you are no longer stressed out by life’s bumps and bruises. The choice is up to you. You are in control.

External events – whether in the past, present, or future – cannot influence the way you feel or behave until you become aware of them and begin to think about them. If you had a crisis in your life, but you never knew it happened, would it stress you out? Of course not, because you didn’t even know about it.

So it’s not the events that cause stress. It’s your own beliefs about the events that cause stress. To fear something, or to worry about something, or to react in any other way to something, you have to be thinking about it. The cause of your reaction is not the event – it’s what you tell yourself about the event that causes your reaction.

What are you telling yourself about the circumstances of your life that may be interfering with your ability to control yourself? What alternate narratives could you tell yourself that would increase and enhance your self-control? How can you use your mindful skills to make this happen?

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Mindfulness and Control

mindfulness and control

“He who angers you conquers you.”

-Elizabeth Kenny

Mindful Ecotherapy relies on the 7Cs of family resilience. These resilience factors help you to better weather the storms that come with life.

The second ‘C’ of the 7Cs of family resilience is “control.”

If someone has the ability to anger you, then that person just controlled you.

If you allow others to ‘make’ you feel angry, you have relinquished control over your own emotional well-being.

Similarly, anger is often the result of failed attempts to control others. By analyzing our beliefs about control, we learn to manage our moods so that control is no longer an issue.

Once there was a sculptor who was famous for his carvings of animals. Of all the animals he carved, his elephants were the most lifelike and inspiring. One day an art student came to him and asked him the secret to creating such beautiful elephants.

“The answer,” he said, “Is simple. You just get a block of marble and chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”

When difficulties arise in a relationship, it’s usually because we’ve set out to carve an elephant, but we suddenly find ourselves carving a bear or a donkey or some other animal instead. When this happens, we’ve gotten caught up in the details of living, and we have lost sight of our original goal, the elephant.

Go over your list of standard arguments with your partner, and decide for yourselves which ones will lead to a happier relationship, and which ones involve side issues (i.e., arguments that are not ‘carving the elephant.’) You may disagree with your partner over which ones are which, and that’s okay too.

Maybe your version of the elephant is slightly different from your partner’s version. Just remember that by sharing your vision of a happier relationship with your partner, you can both come to agreement on what sort of elephant you would like to carve together.

The first step is agreeing that you will focus only on those actions that lead to the end result you both want. Once you’ve agreed on that end result, you can both begin to ‘chip away’ anything that doesn’t look like the relationship you both want to share.

Remember to keep it focused on solutions. You can talk about the problem all day if you wish, but that doesn’t do anything to actually solve the problem.

If your intention is to have a happy, healthy relationship, then anything that doesn’t promote that is irrelevant. It’s just marble to be carved away. If you find yourself constantly discussing problems, and never reaching resolution, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” or perhaps, “Is this the elephant I’m trying to carve, or is it just excess marble?”

If both you and your partner have the same intention, then the rest is just details. You’re working towards a common goal, and all that remains is to resolve how you both approach the common goal.

If, on the other hand, you both have different intentions, then you both have different goals. This is the source of a lot of friction in relationships.

Always remember that you can only control your own intentions, and not your partner’s. Use your mindful communication skills to find common ground and to avoid the temptation to try to control others.

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Validating vs. Condoning

Validating vs. Condoning Young Woman Old Woman Optical Illusion

One of the skills of mindful communication is Validating vs. Condoning.

Look at the picture above and describe what you see.

Did you see an old lady, or a young lady? If you saw both, which did you see first?

Now assume your partner saw the old lady in the picture, and you saw the young lady. Which of you would be ‘right’ and which of you would be ‘wrong’?

Obviously, neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ You’re both just looking at the same picture and coming to different conclusions. Suppose you can readily see the old lady, but have a hard time seeing the young lady. Further suppose your partner can readily see the young lady, but has a hard time seeing he old lady. Even though you’re not seeing the same thing your partner sees, would you be able to readily agree that your partner sees it?

Validation works in this way. You can validate your partner’s way of seeing the picture without having to agree with what your partner is seeing. Now let’s apply this to the concept of feelings.

Validating vs. Condoning…What’s the Difference?

How many times have you told yourself not to feel angry, or to cheer up, or to “snap out” of a depression?

How successful were you at changing your feelings? We’re sometimes conditioned to believe that certain feelings are ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ while other feelings are okay. But the truth is that there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ feeling. Feelings are feelings. They exist. You cannot help the way you feel about a thing or a situation.

Often when we tell ourselves or others to “snap out of it” or to try to repress certain feelings, what we really mean is to repress certain behaviors. While there are no wrong or problematic feelings, the behavior that comes after the feeling may cause problems. For example, simply feeling anger is perfectly okay. Just being with the anger in the moment is entirely different than feeling anger and then acting upon it in negative and destructive ways.

Validating vs. Condoning: Understanding doesn’t Mean Allowing

If you or your partner is feeling angry, that’s okay. But if you or your partner choose to act on that anger by saying or doing hurtful things, that’s not okay. Both you and your partner have a right to feel what you feel. You just don’t have the right to act on those feelings in negative or destructive ways…especially when others are involved.

If your partner is experiencing negative emotions like anger, sadness, or depression, you can validate their feelings without having to understand and agree with those feelings. You can do this by saying things like, “I understand you’re mad right now. I may not understand why you’re mad right now, but I respect your right to be entitled to your own feelings.”

Notice that this does not mean that you have to validate, condone, or even tolerate bad or negative behaviors. You are simply validating the feelings, and not necessarily the behaviors that come after the feelings.

You and your partner can choose when and how to respond to those feelings and act upon them. You may also choose not to act upon them at all, but to simply acknowledge their presence and sit with them quietly, knowing that they will eventually subside.

When you learn to do this you will be able to validate each other’s feelings without condoning any emotional aggression those feelings might generate.

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Body Communications

Body communications children playing at the beach

Body communications are a way of learning about how our bodies respond to emotional situations.

Automatic processes are processes that we have engaged in so often that we don’t even have to think about them anymore. Remember when you first learned to drive a car? You were probably nervous, trying to remember all the rules of the road, what all the gauges represented, which pedals and switches did what, and so on. But after a few weeks behind the wheel, driving a car is an automatic process. It may become so automatic that you can drive right past your exit while busily eating a cheeseburger and fiddling with the radio.

Riding a bike or roller skating can be an automatic process. Reading a book can be an automatic process. So can washing the dishes, folding laundry, or clicking through the television channels.

Many things in our lives, over time, become automaticized.

Moods can also be automatic processes. Moods are behavioral responses to emotional states. Over time we become accustomed to responding to certain emotions in certain ways. Sometimes these automatic mood processes are conscious, but sometimes they occur on a subconscious level.

Conscious processes are easier to change, simply because if they are conscious processes we are aware of them and we can consciously choose to interrupt the cycle and act in different ways if those automatic emotional processes are leading to results we don’t want.

But what do we do if our automatic mood processes are occurring on a subconscious level? If they’re subconscious, we are not consciously aware of them, so how do we learn to change them?

One answer to this is that subconscious processes often leave visible traces that we can be consciously aware of. Emotions have physiological responses. These physiological responses are body communications.

Body Communications and Subconscious Emotions

In previous blogs we discussed the “reptilian brain” response of ‘fight or flight.’ When that primal part of the brain is activated, the body responds in various ways. The good news is that this is the first part of the brain to be activated when a subconscious emotional process is triggered. This leads to body communications that can help detect these subconscious emotional reactions.

Suppose I’m headed out the door on the way to work and I see the garden hose out of the corner of my eye. Further suppose that the “fight or flight” part of my brain mistakes it for a snake. I have an automatic response. I might be startled and jump, or I might run away. If I turn to look at the garden hose and see that it is just a hose, then my conscious brain takes over and soothes the fight or flight instinct.

In this situation, the first thing that happened was the startle response. This is that subconscious ‘fight or flight’ trigger being activated. The second thing that happened was that my mind became consciously aware that it was a garden hose, and not a threat. My conscious mind became aware of the situation and overrode the subconscious response.

If we can learn to be more in tune with what our bodies are telling us at any given moment, we can be aware of when these automatic subconscious emotional responses are activated.

If we are aware of when these responses have been activated, we can consciously prepare ourselves to avoid acting out in emotionally aggressive ways.

Strong emotions usually have physical precursors. Do you clench your fists when angry? Do you break out in a sweat when anxious? Do you get butterflies in your stomach when confused?

Our bodies communicate emotional reactions before we become consciously aware of them. We can learn to be attuned to these physiological responses so that we can better predict strong emotions and be prepared for them.

How does your body communicate to you?

By becoming aware of these body communications, you are able to better predict when you are about to have a strong emotional reaction so that you can prepare yourself.

Your body is going to do what your body is going to do, but you don’t have to let it push you around! You can choose to be in control! The place to start is to begin to learn how your body reacts in emotionally difficult situations. When you learn your body’s way of communicating, you will be well on the way to modifying your responses to these situations.