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Process Addictions

process addiction and emotional aggression

Emotional aggressors can sometimes become addicted to their gaslighting behaviors.

The three major symptoms of an addiction are withdrawal, tolerance, and loss of control. In substance abuse, “withdrawal” manifests in physical and psychological symptoms upon abstaining from the drug of choice. “Tolerance” means that it takes more and more of the same drug to get the same effect. “Loss of control” means that as a person becomes addicted to a substance, they start giving up other things in pursuit of the next “high.”

People with addiction issues lose control over their behavior to the point that their drug of choice is the only thing that matters. They’ll forsake family, friends, work, school and any social interaction in pursuit of their drug of choice.

With emotional aggressors the “high” comes from manipulating others emotionally. For the emotional aggressor, withdrawal manifests as getting irritated, upset or angry when they can’t control you. Tolerance shows up as needing more and more control over the emotional states of others to get the same “high.”

Eventually this leads to loss of control. The emotional aggressor becomes more and more abusive over time, losing control of their ability to respect appropriate boundaries. Over time loss of control means that the gaslighting behaviors have become automatic. They don’t have to think about it and may not even be aware that they’re doing it.

Sometimes these automatic emotional processes can become what is known as process addictions. Robert Minor (2007) defines process addiction as:

“A process becomes an addiction when the process becomes the center of life, the most important reasons for living, when a person becomes dependent upon the process for mood-altering relief from the rest of life. For someone addicted to a process, the process with all its using activities substitutes for taking actions that would change the circumstances of one’s personal life and society that demand addictions to relieve the distress.”

What this means is that emotional aggression can become a conditioned response to a given emotional situation. If emotional aggression is consistently used as an anxiety-management strategy in your interactions with others, then you may be in danger of developing a process addiction. Conversely, if your partner or loved one seems to go on auto pilot whenever there’s a problem that needs to be addressed, they might have a process addiction.

How do you recognize a process addiction? If you’ve ever found yourself interacting with your partner or another friend or family member in a predictable pattern, there may be a process addiction at work. This is especially true if you are using emotionally aggressive responses in such a situation.

Suppose you’ve had an argument so many times that you can predict what your partner is going to say, and your partner can predict what you’re going to say. In other words, you’ve had this argument so many times that it’s almost as if there is an unwritten script somewhere that dictates your responses to each other. You keep going through the motions of this argument, but nothing ever gets resolved. Does this sound familiar?

I call such arguments Index Card Arguments, because it’s as if you’ve both written the argument down on an index card somewhere. You know that if you say this, your partner is going to say that, and your partner knows that if they say that, you’re likely to say this. If you could agree to write these arguments out on index cards and number them, you could both save yourselves a lot of time by saying, “Okay, we both know how this argument is going to turn out, so let’s just skip the argument and say that we had Index Card Argument #45, and take it from there.”

If you find yourself constantly having Index Card Arguments, it could be a sign that there is a process addiction occurring.

If nothing ever gets resolved from these repetitive arguments, then ask yourself honestly why you continue to engage in them. Do you feel better afterwards? Do these arguments cause you to feel more keyed up and anxious? Do they change your emotional state in any way? Are they taking your mind off of anxiety, depression, or bad feelings?

If you or your partner are using emotionally aggressive arguments as a means of managing your mood, then you may have a process addiction.

Minor, Robert N. (2007). When Religion is an Addiction. Humanity Works, St. Louis, MO.

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How Gaslighting Works

How gaslighting works

Last week we talked about what emotional aggression is and how emotionally aggressive people often use gaslighting to achieve their goals. Today we’re going to talk about how gaslighting works. We’ll also discuss some common statements used by gaslighters who are being emotionally aggressive.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play, Gaslight. This was made into a film in 1944. The premise of the movie is that a husband is trying to convince his wife she is insane so he can gain control of her assets. He leads her to believe she’s stealing things without realizing it and hearing noises that aren’t really there. Because of his manipulations she begins questioning her sense of reality. The term “gaslight” comes from the fact that the husband goes into the attic at night to turn the gas lights on and off in hopes of making his wife question what she’s seeing. In other words, he’s trying to make her doubt her sense of reality.

When someone is being emotionally aggressive, the goal is to make you question your own sense of reality and to instead rely only on what they’re telling you your reality should be. Gaslighting confuses the victims, making them question their own judgment, sense of self-worth, ability to recall the past, and eventually their own sanity.

Here are some of the techniques emotionally aggressive gaslighters use:

Lying to You
People who engage in emotional aggression by gaslighting are habitual liars, and they’re usually so good at it that eventually you start to believe them. They eventually make you start second-guessing yourself. They say things like, “You’re making things up,” “That never happened,” or “You’re crazy.”

Discrediting You
Gaslighters like to try to turn others against you or to convince you that others are against you even when they aren’t. They will use those near and dear to you to accomplish their objectives. They will only tell you the negative things others say about you, and if others aren’t really saying negative things about you the emotionally aggressive person will invent things. Comments a gaslighter might make to discredit you would be things like, “Your family agrees with me…you’re crazy,” or “The kids think you’re being ridiculous.”

Distracting You
Emotionally aggressive people love to distract. This usually takes the form of “whataboutism” in which, whenever you bring up a problem, they say something like, “Oh yeah, well what about this problem instead?” This sometimes takes the form of “You do it too!” Regardless of whether or not you do it too, it doesn’t address the initial question of the gaslighter’s behavior.

Minimizing Your Thoughts and Feelings
One way that a gaslighter will use emotional aggression is to use your own emotional states against you. They might say things like, “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” or “Why are you so sensitive?” The goal here is to minimize how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking while trying to force you to be responsible for their emotional state instead.

Shifting Blame
Blame-shifting and blame-storming are other common gaslighting tactics. Every time you try to have a discussion with an emotional aggressor, they twist everything into making it your fault so that you feel you are to blame. Whenever you try to discuss how their behavior towards you makes you feel, they say things like, “We’d get along just fine if you’d see things my way,” or “If you acted right I wouldn’t have to treat you the way I do.”

Denying Wrongdoing
Emotional aggressors are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They make poor choices and then refuse to take responsibility for them, preferring to blame others. Denying the feelings of others in this manner can leave their victims feeling unseen, unheard, and unloved. Over longer periods of time victims develop “learned helplessness,” which is a state of giving up and losing hope that things will change. Gaslighters might deny wrongdoing by saying things like, “I never said that,” or “You’re just overreacting” or “Stop imagining things.”

Using Compassionate Words as Weapons
Emotional aggressors are very good at mixing lies with the truth to keep you off-balance. Sometimes they’ll through in positive reinforcement just to confuse you. They know that keeping you off-balance makes you easier to control. They might say something like, “You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose,” or “I only criticize you because I love you and want you to get better.” The most abusive form of this is when domestic violence offenders say things like, “I only hit you because I love you.”

Rewriting History
Gaslighters and emotional aggressors love to change the details of events to their favor. If your partner shoved you against the wall, and then you bring it up later, they might say something like, “What really happened is that you stumbled and I tried to catch you.”

All of these tactics are used by gaslighters to make you lose your own sense of reality. Emotional aggressors try to control others so they don’t have to learn how to control themselves. If you have a partner or a loved one who is trying to make you responsible for their emotional states, or who is trying to tell you what you should feel and should not feel, you’re probably a victim of gaslighting.

In the coming weeks we’ll be talking about how to address some of these issues. We’ll also be focusing on how people who use emotional aggression and gaslighting as their primary coping mechanisms can learn less maladaptive behaviors.

What Is Gaslighting and Signs It May Be Happening to You, Very Well Mind
By Sherri Gordon Updated on April 12, 2023

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Emotional Aggression and Gaslighting

emotional aggression and gaslighting

One of the concepts we frequently talk about in Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy is emotional aggression.

Emotional aggression and gaslighting usually go hand-in-hand. Gaslighting is used to perpetuate a perpetrator’s emotional aggression.

Emotional aggression is the aggressive use of our own emotional states in an attempt to manipulate or control others, or in an attempt to make others be responsible for our moods.

If I hold others responsible for my emotional state, I am being emotionally aggressive. Likewise, if I attempt to control the emotional state of others against their will, I am being emotionally aggressive. The Emotional Aggression Questionnaire allows you to assess whether or not you are prone to act in emotionally aggressive ways. Some statements emotionally aggressive people might make include:

“I won’t be happy until you do _ for me.”
“It’s your fault that I feel this way.”
“You made me feel _”
“You just need to stop feeling this way.”
“We’d get along just fine if you’d do things my way.”
“You have no right to be angry at me.”

People who are being emotionally aggressive usually rely on gaslighting to manipulate others with their emotions.

People who have been gaslit often feel anxious or depressed. Victims of gaslighting can develop mental health problems, including substance abuse issues and even thoughts of suicide. For this reason it is important to recognize what emotional aggression is and to be familiar with its dynamic when working with patients and clients.

Some of the signs of gaslighting include:

  • Doubting that your feelings and your reality are accurate or valid
  • Feeling that you’re just being too sensitive
  • Believing that you have no right to feel the way you do
  • Questioning your own judgment and choices
  • Questioning your own perceptions
  • Being afraid to speak up because it might cause conflict with someone who is being emotionally aggressive
  • Emotional cutoffs – shutting down in conversations about emotions because you don’t feel heard or valued
  • Feeling vulnerable and insecure
  • Feeling you’re always “walking on eggshells” when dealing with a person who is being emotionally aggressive
  • Feeling isolated and powerless
  • Doubting your own sense of self-worth and instead believing what an emotionally aggressive person is telling you about yourself
  • Being disappointed in yourself and who you have become – this is especially true if you fear disappointing an emotionally aggressive person
  • Feeling confused most of the time when talking to an emotionally aggressive person
  • You’re always “waiting for the other shoe to drop;” expecting something bad to happen all the time
  • You feel like you are never good enough and you’re always apologizing
  • You second-guess yourself and find it hard to make decisions
  • You assume others are disappointed in you and never seem to be able to give yourself the benefit of the doubt
  • You wonder what’s wrong with you
  • You eventually give up on making your own choices and instead leave the decision-making to the emotionally aggressive person

If you recognize any of these signs, you may be the victim of an emotionally aggressive person. Next time we’ll talk about some common statements used by emotionally aggressive people and how to deal with them.

Grampian Women’s Aid: Coercive Control: 10 Signs It’s Gaslighting
http://www.grampian-womens-aid.com/newsevents/gaslighting-10-signs

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Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance means that you learn to accept yourself and others without judgment. It is a skill that can be learned in an afternoon, yet take a lifetime to master, especially in Western cultures where we are conditioned to strive for certain ideals of perfection. We are told by the media that if we don’t drive the right car, wear the right clothes, eat the right foods, vote for the right political candidate and wear the right perfume, we will not be accepted by others. This conditioning must be overcome in order to achieve radical acceptance.

The first step in radical acceptance is to meditate on the assumptions we have created for ourselves.

Examples of these might be, “I’m not handsome enough,” or, “I’m not smart enough,” or, “Nobody likes me.” Radical acceptance recognizes such thoughts and feelings without making value judgments about them, and without trying to deny or affirm them. For example, the thought, “Nobody likes me,” is not true, but the goal of radical acceptance is to simply note the fact that this thought is present in the observer’s psyche, and not to make a truth value judgment about the contents of the statement. It can be accepted as a thought process while not having to be incorporated into the observer’s sense of identity.

From this perspective, we are less concerned about whether or not the thought or feeling is true as we are about whether or not it is helpful. Is it effective to have these thoughts or feelings? If not, can I let them go?

Case Study: Juliet
Juliet has had a series of relationships. Every time one of these relationships ends, she goes into a downward spiral of emotional self-abuse, telling herself that she’s not good enough to have a relationship, asking herself why she’s such a “loser,” and panicking at the thought of being alone yet again. This panic causes her to leap right into yet another relationship and repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Implicit in all these thought and feeling cycles is the theme, “What’s wrong with me?”

By learning to radically accept herself just as she is, Juliet could come to realize that “This is the way I deal with emotions.” Eventually she may even be able to accept herself with unconditional love, and see this quirk as just a thing she does, and not as a character flaw. When caught in these cycles, Juliet could ask herself, “Is it true that there is something wrong with me? Is it helpful or effective to think that there is something wrong with me?”

Additionally, Juliet could learn that thoughts and feelings are not facts. They’re just things the brain has sometimes been conditioned to do in response to certain situations.

The irony is that by learning to accept these thoughts and feelings as a part of herself, it may lead to the realization that there is nothing wrong with her. Even if she never comes to that realization, she will be able to accept it as just a thing she does from time to time. It is perfectly natural to wonder “Is there something wrong with me;” however, such a question is just a thought, and not a fact.

Radical acceptance is the ability to see clearly the thoughts and feelings that are going on within us, as they occur, and to be able to accept them with love and openness. It also means coming to realize that thoughts and feelings are not facts.

When Juliet began to practice mindful meditation, she came to understand that the panic produced by losing a relationship was caused by her desire to find the “perfect” man for her. By finding this idealized individual, she hoped to prove her own self-worth. In her mind, if she could find the perfect man, he would help her to become the perfect woman. As Juliet came to recognize that her idea of perfection was just an arbitrary standard she had imposed on herself, she was able to accept and even love herself, even with all of her perceived “flaws.” This diminished need to be “perfect” allowed her to actually move towards loving herself just as she was. This renewed self-confidence allowed her to enter into a relationship that later led to a happy and successful marriage.

Juliet credited the success of her relationship on the fact that, “I learned to be responsible for my own happiness and well-being. In my previous relationships, I had put the responsibility for my happiness on my partner(s), and this impossible situation eventually drove them away. Once I learned to accept responsibility for my own happiness, I found someone with whom to share that happiness.”

Radical acceptance is about minimizing avoidance as much as possible. By meeting life head-on instead of trying to avoid certain aspects of it (such as unpleasant thoughts and emotions), we are able to live life more fully.
According to Hoffman & Asmundson (2008), “Patients are encouraged to embrace unwanted thoughts and feelings – such as anxiety, pain, and guilt – as an alternative to experiential avoidance. The goal is to end the struggle with unwanted thoughts and feelings without attempting to change or eliminate them.”

Baer, R. A. (2003). Mindfulness training as a clinical intervention: A conceptual and empirical review. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 125–143. Introduction to Special Issue 183

Cordon, S. L., Brown, K. W., & Gibson, P. R. (2009). The role of mindfulness-based stress reduction in perceived stress: Preliminary evidence for the moderating role of attachment style. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy: An International Quarterly, 23(3), 258–269.

Dimeff, L., & Linehan, M.M. (2001). Dialectical Behavior Therapy in a Nutshell. The California Psychologist, 34, 10-13.

Hofmann, S. G., & Asmundson, G. J. G. (2008). Acceptance and mindfulness-based therapy: New wave or old hat? Clinical Psychology Review, 28(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2007.09.003

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Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) was developed as a method of introducing the techniques of mindfulness into psychotherapy. ACT is based on Relational Frame Theory (RFT), which is a theoretical framework developed by Steven Hayes of the University of Nevada. RFT is a way of looking at how language influences behavior, and how behavior influences language. A corollary to RTF is that a large part of our reality, our world of experience, is constructed by the language we use and how we relate that language to the real world. This would mean that a lot of the things that cause us anxiety, stress, depression, and other unpleasant thoughts and feelings are the result of how we use language to interpret our world.

Goals of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

While Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) concentrates on teaching people how to better control their thoughts and feelings, ACT focuses on teaching people how to acknowledge and accept their internal dialogue without feeling overwhelmed by those thoughts and feelings. It teaches the student/practitioner to be in the moment with those feelings and thoughts, without having to identify with them. This applies to unwanted thoughts and feelings as well. By seeing these as processes of the mind, acceptance increases.

One of the goals of ACT is to get in touch with what Buddhists call true self. The true self is that internal observer who is watching these processes without becoming engaged in them. True self helps in the process of externalization; i.e., of seeing the problem as separate from the identity and sense of self. By establishing this boundary between true self and thoughts/feelings as processes, the practitioner is better able to identify and clarify his/her values, and to commit to them. This then brings more meaning to the life of the individual.

Conquering FEAR with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

One of the core concepts of ACT is that psychological processes can often be self-destructive. For example, experiential avoidance can lead to suffering. If a person has social anxiety and avoids contact with other humans, this can lead to a lack of social support, important relationships, and friendships. This isolation, in turn, leads to suffering. Or if a victim of PTSD avoids places and behaviors that remind her of the place where the trauma occurred, her life choices have been limited. This limitation can also lead to suffering.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) uses the FEAR acronym to explain and identify such problems with experiential avoidance and cognitive entanglement. FEAR is as follows:

  1. Fusion with your thoughts
  2. Evaluation of experience
  3. Avoidance of your experience
  4. Reason giving for your behavior

The antidote to the FEAR response is the ACT response, which is:

  1. Accept your reactions and be present
  2. Choose a valued direction
  3. Take action

Six Core Principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

The goal of ACT is to develop psychological flexibility. This is achieved through the implementation of six core principles of ACT:

  1. Cognitive defusion: Learning to perceive thoughts, images, emotions, and memories as what they are, not what they appear to be.
  2. Acceptance: Allowing them to come and go without struggling with them.
  3. Contact with the present moment: Awareness of the here and now, experienced with openness, interest, and receptiveness.
  4. Observing the self: Accessing a transcendent sense of self, a continuity of consciousness which is changing.
  5. Values: Discovering what is most important to one’s true self.
  6. Committed action: Setting goals according to values and carrying them out responsibly.

Since its development, ACT has been evaluated in nearly 100 different studies. All of these studies show that it is a highly effective method of achieving stress and anxiety reduction for a wide variety of disorders.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy pairs beautifully with Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy (MBE), especially when practiced outdoors. Nature naturally invites mindfulness, acceptance, and awe…all qualities central to ACT. Practicing ACT in green spaces, for example, can enhance emotional regulation and deepen values-based exploration.

Sitting under a tree while practicing cognitive defusion or walking a trail while reflecting on core values can make ACT more embodied, calming, and effective.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Final Thoughts

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is not about fixing what’s “wrong” with you—it’s about learning how to live fully and authentically in the presence of life’s messiness. It invites you to stop struggling against the tide of your thoughts and emotions and instead build a rich, values-driven life, one mindful step at a time.

Whether you’re coping with anxiety, depression, chronic stress, or just looking to live with more meaning, ACT offers a practical, empowering roadmap toward emotional well-being.

References

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006

Hayes, S.C, Strosahl, K.D., & Wilson, K.G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd edition). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001

Zettle, R. D., & Hayes, S. C. (1986). Dysfunctional control by client verbal behavior: The context of reason-giving. The Analysis of Verbal Behavior, 4, 30–38. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF03392967

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FREE Course: Ethics of Ecotherapy

In our ongoing effort to improve the quality of the courses we offer, we will be applying to the National Board for Certified Counselors (NBCC) to be able to provide LIVE continuing education opportunities in addition to our online offerings.

As part of this process we are offering this FREE two-hour course on Ethics in Ecotherapy in June of 2023!

This course will cover some ethics issues common to the practice of ecotherapy. In addition to two free hours of continuing education on the Ethics of Ecotherapy, participants will receive a coupon code good for $25 off any course offered by the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC.

This course will be conducted by Zoom, so you will need access to Zoom for the course.

Course Description

Ecotherapy usually includes doing therapy outdoors. Therapy in non-traditional settings presents unique ethical challenges. These ethical issues are usually not covered in therapy graduate school programs. In this course we will discuss how to address some common ethical issues for therapists and counselors that are unique to the process of ecotherapy.  

Course Objectives

After taking this course the student will be able to:

  • Discuss and describe confidentiality and informed consent issues common to the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss training recommendations regarding the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss assessment and client safety issues common to the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss and describe what constitutes dual relationships in ecotherapy
  • Discuss and describe values conflicts in ecotherapy settings
  • Develop a sense of self-awareness for counselors and therapists practicing ecotherapy  

Course Instructions

This is a LIVE course that will be offered on Tuesday, June 20, 2023 at 10 a.m. Pacific Daylight Savings Time. An email reminder containing the Zoom code to access the course will be sent the day before the conference. The conference will be presented on Zoom. You need to be present for the duration of the course to get course credit.

The course will be two hours on Zoom. At the end of the course you will have access to a link for the final exam.

Upon successful completion of the exam you will receive a Certificate of Completion in pdf format, and you will be emailed a coupon code good for $25 off any course offered by the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC.

You may register for this FREE course any time prior to June 20, 2023. If you do not pre-register before the date, we cannot guarantee a seat for the course, so please register as early as possible! You may find help registering for courses and accessing course materials by visiting the Help Center.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THIS FREE COURSE

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Acceptance vs. Change


“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

-The Serenity Prayer of Reinhold Niebuhr

Many of us are familiar with the Serenity Prayer. It deals with the dialectic of Acceptance vs. Change. This dialectic may be illustrated as follows:


One of the skills we develop in the practice of mindfulness is the skill of acceptance. Acceptance allows us to experience emotions and thoughts without feeling obligated to react to them. This is done by noting the emotion or thought, and then letting go of the thought and feeling processes that the emotion generates. Acceptance teaches us that thoughts and feelings are not facts. They are simply processes of the mind.

Mindful awareness teaches us the art of acceptance. Emotional reactions to our circumstances are natural, but that doesn’t mean that we have to respond to these emotions. The mindful skill of acceptance teaches us that we can experience these emotions without engaging in cycles of behavior, thought or feeling that lead us to negative consequences. Acceptance teaches us that we are not our thoughts, and that we are not our emotions. At any time we can choose which thoughts and emotions we wish to respond to, and which to let go of.

“Never underestimate your power to change yourself; never overestimate your power to change others.”

-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Some things in life that cause us stress, anxiety and depression are things we can change. Others are things we cannot change, but must learn to accept. As Niebuhr reminds us, true wisdom lies in knowing the difference between the two. In Being Mode, we come to recognize the fact that true happiness can only come from within. There’s good news and bad news with this realization. The bad news is that nobody can change your life circumstances but you. The good news is that nobody can change your life circumstances but you.
Mindful Acceptance includes, among other things, the idea that you can only change yourself. If your problems involve other people, then you can only accept that they are who they are. You cannot change anyone but yourself.

The art of Mindful Acceptance can best be described as the Art of Letting Go. Once you have done everything in your power to solve a problem, you have done all you can, so at that point worry and stress is counterproductive.

Note that letting go of the stress and anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean letting go of the problem itself. For example, suppose you have a car payment coming up, and you don’t have the money to pay it. This would naturally cause you anxiety. If, after brainstorming for solutions, you find that you still don’t have the money to pay the car payment, then at that point you’ve done all you can do. So at that point, you let go of the anxiety associated with the problem.

That doesn’t mean that you let go of car payments altogether. You’ll make the payment when you can. In this instance, letting go just means that you won’t worry about not being able to make the payment. The energy you might have used worrying about the situation could be put to better use in trying to come up with solutions.

Let’s try another example, this one a bit tougher. Imagine you’re in a relationship. You feel that your partner doesn’t spend enough time with you. You offer suggestions on activities you can do together, only to be met with a blank stare or excuses about why your partner doesn’t have the time to participate in an activity with you.

Once you’ve done everything you can do to persuade your partner to spend more time with you, if you still aren’t getting the results you want, it’s time to practice letting go. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you let go of your partner. It just means that you let go of the anxiety associated with the problem. Once you let go of that anxiety, you may find that your partner will actually want to spend more time with you, because you are less stressed-out. But even if this is not the case, you’ve let go of the stress associated with an emotionally distant partner.

Mindful Acceptance is looking at the thoughts and feelings that cause you anxiety, worry, or stress. As you examine these thoughts, ask yourself which of these thoughts concern things you have the power to change. Make a conscious decision to focus your energy only on those things in your life that you have the power to change. If you focus on those things that you cannot change, you are not using your energy to change the things that you can.

Decide right now that you will not feed your negative thoughts by giving in to them. Realize that it is natural to have negative thoughts, but having those thoughts does not mean that they have to control your life. Learn trust your own inner wisdom. While negative thoughts may come, you do not have to let them rule your life.

Another key to Mindful Acceptance is to understand that anxiety has a useful purpose. It is nature’s way of letting us know that there is something wrong. Your anxiety protects you from harm, but sometimes it may do its job too well. Ask your anxiety if it is trying to protect you from something that you cannot change. Picture yourself thanking your anxiety for protecting you, and say to your anxiety, “I am now using my own inner wisdom to make positive choices in my life.”

Mindful Acceptance teaches us that each mistake is an opportunity for growth. Each mistake contains a lesson. If you never made a mistake, you would never have an opportunity to learn and grow. In Mindful Acceptance, you learn to accept your mistakes as signs that you are becoming a stronger and wiser individual.

Segal, Z. V., Williams, J. M. G., & Teasdale, J. D. (2002). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for depression: A new approach for preventing relapse. New York: Guilford Press.

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Being Effective

Mindfulness is the art of being effective. This simply means doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t work.

As you continue to hone your ability to focus only on one thing at a time, this skill can be extended to problem-solving. When you become mindfully aware of a problem with the idea of solving it, you have focused your intention on the solution rather than on the problem. You can talk about a problem all day, but in the end, talking about a problem does nothing to help solve it. Only by focusing your intention on solutions will the problem get solved.

In Mindfulness we speak of the power of intention. This means that we choose every act deliberately and purposefully, focusing our awareness on each task with intention. When using the power of intention, we never wander about aimlessly, driven by the winds of whim and fortune. Every act is deliberate. Every act is intentional. This is the power of intention.

Once there was a sculptor who was famous for his carvings of animals. Of all the animals he carved, his elephants were the most lifelike and inspiring. One day an art student came to him and asked him the secret to creating such beautiful elephants.

“The answer,” the artist replied, “Is simple. You just get a block of marble and chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”

When difficulties arise in life, it’s usually because we’ve set out to carve an elephant, but we suddenly find ourselves carving a bear or a donkey or some other animal instead. When this happens, we’ve gotten caught up in the details of living, and we have lost sight of our original goal, the elephant.

You may talk about the problem for as long you wish, but simply talking about the problem doesn’t do anything to actually solve the problem. If your intention is to have a happy, healthy life and happy, healthy relationships, then anything that doesn’t promote these ideals is irrelevant. It’s just marble to be carved away. If you find yourself constantly discussing problems, and never reaching resolution, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” or perhaps, “Is this the elephant I’m trying to carve, or is it just excess marble?”

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) was developed by Segal, Williams and Teasdale (2002) as a method of treating clinical depression and for preventing relapse. There are eight sessions in the usual MBCT intervention:

  1. Automatic pilot and mindfulness
  2. Dealing with barriers and pleasant events
  3. Mindfulness of the breath
  4. Staying present
  5. Allowing and letting be
  6. Thoughts are not facts
  7. How can I best take care of myself?
  8. Using what has been learned to deal with future moods

In the first session, students are taught how to switch from “automatic pilot mode” or habitual mode, to intentional mode. Intentional mode involves moving from a ruminative mode to a mindful mode. Rumination in this sense refers to the tendency to engage in automatic patterns of thought, feeling and experience that lead to a recurrence of depressive symptoms.

These automatic patterns are driven by memory; i.e., they are learned responses to certain stimuli. By harnessing the power of intention, the practitioner of MBCT moves from this automatic ruminative state to an intentional, purposeful mindful state. Intentionality involves metacognition (thinking about thinking). By becoming a conscious observer of these automatic states, the student learns that these automatic thought processes are simply thoughts. They are not destiny, nor or they identity. My acting intentionally to step outside of oneself and simply observe and describe these automatic thoughts and feelings, practitioners learn that they have control over these internal states.

By using the power of intention to move from Thinking Mode to Sensing Mode, the student learns to view unwanted or difficult thoughts and feelings as passing mental events, and not as permanent characteristics. If the student can intentionally “ride out the wave” of depression or anxiety, then he/she will learn that “this too shall pass.”

Williams JM, Russell I, Russell D. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy: further issues in current evidence and future research. J Consult Clin Psychol. 2008 Jun;76(3):524-9. doi: 10.1037/0022-006X.76.3.524. PMID: 18540746; PMCID: PMC2834575.

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Being One-Mindful

strawberries

I love strawberries. I can nibble on them all day long. There have been times when I have been engaged in other activities while eating strawberries. I may be sitting at the computer, typing away, blissfully chewing strawberries.

As I munch away, with my attention on the computer and not on the strawberries, I am sometimes surprised and disappointed when I reach into the bowl in a mindfulness fashion only to realize that I have eaten the last one.

On those occasions when I’ve eaten the last strawberry without realizing that it was the last one, the thought that came to mind was, “If I had known that I was eating the last one, I would have enjoyed it more!”

What is it about knowing that I’m about to eat the last strawberry that makes eating it more enjoyable? That particular strawberry isn’t going to taste any different from the rest of the ones in the bowl. What makes the experience of the last strawberry different and more enjoyable is the fact that I have focused all of my attention on enjoying it, because it is the last one.

What if we could learn to make every strawberry the last one?

Singer/songwriter Ray Charles once said, “Live every day as if it will be your last, because one of these days, you’re going to be right.”

What if you knew that today would be your last day on Earth? What would you do differently? How would you respond to those around you? What would you say to your loved ones? Would you treat them any differently if you knew that this might be the last time you would ever see them? What would be different about your to do list? Would your priorities change if you knew that this was your last day?

Looking at your life from this perspective tends to help you focus on what’s really important. If you could really live up to the idea that today may be your last day on Earth, it would probably cause you to slow down and enjoy each experience that comes your way. Each day could be the last strawberry.

The ability to do this is what practitioners of Mindfulness call Mindful Awareness. Mindful Awareness is the skill of focusing on one thing at a time. It is the ability to make each strawberry the last strawberry. It is also the ability to enjoy each day of our lives as if it were the last one. Mindful Awareness teaches us that the way to live every day as if it will be your last, is to focus on the moment, savoring every bit of every experience the world has to offer.

(Kabat-Zinn, 1994, p. 4) identifies three major components of mindfulness. These are:

  1. “On purpose” or intention,
  2. “Paying attention” or attention,
  3. “In a particular way” or attitude (mindfulness qualities

These components may be summed up as focusing on one thing at a time or being one-mindful.

By intentionally paying attention in a particular way (i.e., mindfully), we are able to focus only on the experience that is before us, without judgments or expectations. We are also able to approach the situation without assumptions by focusing only on the experience itself.

According to Shapiro, et al (2006), “In the context of mindfulness practice, paying attention involves observing the operations of one’s moment-to moment, internal and external experience. This is what Husserl refers to as a “return to things themselves,” that is, suspending all the ways of interpreting experience and attending to experience itself, as it presents itself in the here and now. In this way, one learns to attend to the contents of consciousness, moment by moment.”

By focusing on one thing at a time, we also place ourselves in the present moment, and take ourselves out of thoughts about the past or the future. In this way, we avoid the temptation to interpret the experience based on what has gone before or what may come in the future. The experience simply is what it is, with no interpretation required.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. New York: Hyperion

Shapiro SL, Carlson LE, Astin JA, Freedman B. Mechanisms of mindfulness. J Clin Psychol. 2006 Mar;62(3):373-86. doi: 10.1002/jclp.20237. PMID: 16385481.

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Fully Participating

Fully participating can be described as a state in which we are in the present moment, devoid of thoughts or anxiety about the past or the future. Fully participating is most closely associated with Baer’s “act with awareness” factor of the Five Factor Model of Mindfulness. To participate fully in any activity is to be aware in every moment, and to act out of that state of awareness, with purpose and intention.

Mindful awareness allows you to experience every aspect of an activity. We have a tendency, when in thinking mode, to see things and activities as either “all bad” or “all good.” This is not necessarily an accurate depiction of reality. In reality, there is a little good in most bad things, and a little bad in most good things.

In Mark Twain’s book, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Tom gets his friends to help him whitewash a fence by convincing them that fence painting is one of the most fun and enjoyable activities in the world. There is an element of truth in Tom’s deception. Most activities aren’t inherently good or bad. We’ve taught ourselves to think of them in such terms, but we can also teach ourselves a different way.

Think about an unpleasant activity that you have to engage in on a regular basis, such as washing the dishes or taking out the trash. Can you think of any pleasant aspects of these activities? For example, the last time I hand-washed dishes, I found myself fascinated by the bubbles in the sink. I watched the way the light played across them, generating myriads of rainbows that danced and moved across the surface of the bubbles. I was so entertained by this, that I was done with the dishes before I knew it.

There are enjoyable aspects to every experience, if we train ourselves to look for them. Even if we find ourselves caught in an activity in which we can find no pleasure at all, at least we have the pleasure of thinking about how good we’ll feel when the activity is over!

Mindful Awareness teaches us the art of acceptance. Emotional reactions to our circumstances are natural, but that doesn’t mean that we have to respond to these emotions. The mindful skill of acceptance teaches us that we can experience these emotions without engaging in cycles of behavior that lead us to negative consequences. Acceptance teaches us that we are not our thoughts, and that we are not our emotions. At any time we can choose which thoughts and emotions we wish to respond to.

If, at any time, we should engage in thoughts and behaviors that lead to negative consequences, this does not mean that we have become bad persons. This simply means that we are human beings, and as humans we are entitled to make mistakes. Each mistake is an opportunity for growth and learning. Forgiveness is a skill and an art. The place to start with learning the art of forgiveness is in learning first to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes.

Clients with chronic pain issues can benefit from the art of fully participating by realizing that the pain is not something alien, but a part of their daily experience. Instead of fighting the pain, they learn to accept it. A result of this acceptance is that their perception of the pain lessens because they are no longer fighting it. By fully participating in each moment, chronic pain sufferers get back a part of their lives that the pain had taken away (Isenberg, 2009).

Fully participating can also help clients with chronic anxiety problems, stress or depression. By learning to accept the depression or anxiety, clients lean not to fight the problem. By not fighting the anxiety or depression, we avoid setting up the self-perpetuating cycle of avoidance and anxiety enhancement. If the client learns not to try to avoid depression and anxiety, and instead accepts it openly, then there is nothing to fight against, and the downward spiral stops before it begins.

Fully participating can also be very useful to therapists. Grepmair, et al (2007) found that therapists who practiced Zen meditation themselves actually had better success rates with their clients than therapists who did not practice meditation.

One potential explanation for this is that those who practice mindful meditation have developed their capacity to fully participate. By being able to fully participate in what the client may be telling them in a given session, they are better able to offer solutions.

The more the therapist is able to participate in a given session, the more validated the client feels. If you’ve ever experienced a therapist who kept glancing at the clock during a session, you know what an invalidating experience that can be. By learning to fully participate in each session, a therapist or counselor strengthens the client/clinician bond and enhances the chance of success for an intervention.

Grepmair, Ludwig & Mitterlehner, Ferdinand & Loew, Thomas & Bachler, Egon & Rother, Wolfhardt & Nickel, Marius. (2007). Promoting Mindfulness in Psychotherapists in Training Influences the Treatment Results of Their Patients: A Randomized, Double-Blind, Controlled Study. Psychotherapy and psychosomatics. 76. 332-8. 10.1159/000107560.

Isenberg, Sarina & Maragh-Bass, Allysha & Ridgeway, Kathleen & MPH, Mary & Knowlton, Amy. (2017). A qualitative exploration of chronic pain and opioid treatment among HIV patients with drug use disorders. Journal of opioid management. 13. 5. 10.5055/jom.2017.0363.

Ortet G, Pinazo D, Walker D, Gallego S, Mezquita L, Ibáñez MI. Personality and nonjudging make you happier: Contribution of the Five-Factor Model, mindfulness facets and a mindfulness intervention to subjective well-being. PLoS One. 2020 Feb 4;15(2):e0228655. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0228655. PMID: 32017791; PMCID: PMC6999907.