Year: 2023

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Meme Triads

Contrary to popular belief, a ‘meme’ is not an internet picture with words on it. A meme is just a belief that has been passed from one person to another. We get most of our core memes from our families of origin.

If your memes (inherited beliefs) are leading to consequences you want, then nothing needs to be changed. If, however, you have memes that are leading to consequences you don’t want, you have a choice. You can change them to something more conducive to positive consequences.

The first step in changing a meme is to examine the components of the meme. There are three basic components to a meme: What, Why and How. The explanation of these components is as follows:

  1. What is the problem? The ‘What’ component is usually the meme that is causing the problem.
  2. Why is this a problem? The ‘Why’ component of the meme indicates why the meme is leading to consequences you don’t want.
  3. How is the problem maintained? Sometimes the attempted solution to a problem only serves to make the problem worse.
    If I believe my spouse must be responsible for my happiness, but my spouse has grown tired of being responsible for my happiness, I might try to solve the problem by insisting even more that my spouse be responsible for my happiness. I might even resort to blaming, shaming, and guilt-tripping my spouse in an attempt to get her to resume responsibility for my happiness. But the more I try to force her into taking that responsibility, the more tired she gets of being responsible for it. My attempted solution to the problem is only serving to make the problem worse. It’s been said that, “Insanity is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting different results.” If what you’re doing to solve the problem isn’t working, then doing more of it isn’t going to work either.

The first step in changing a non-productive meme into a productive meme that generates positive consequences is to identify the components of the meme using the outline above.

Once you’ve identified the components of the meme, picture them as legs or sides of a triangle. Triangles have three sides. All three of those sides are connected to each other. If you take away one of the sides of a triangle, it is no longer a triangle. Furthermore, since all the sides of a triangle are connected to each other, if you change one side, the other two sides must change as well.

Memes have a similar construction. Looking at the What, Why and How components of a meme, we can see that if one side is changed, all of the other sides are changed as well. Furthermore, since all three components are necessary in order for a meme to exist, if one component is taken away, the meme ceases to exist.

Since there are three sides to a triangle, and three components to a meme, a triangle can be constructed with one component of the meme on each side. One side of the triangle would be the ‘What’ component, another side would be the ‘Why’ component, and the base of the triangle would be the ‘How’ component.

Once a meme is graphed out in this fashion, then taking away one of the sides means that it is no longer a triangle. So if one of the components is altered or removed, it eliminates the meme altogether or completely changes it.
Changing one of the sides changes the two remaining sides, and therefore the meme is changed as well. So if you have a meme that is leading you to consequences you do not want, and you graph that meme out on a triangle, you have three separate chances to change the meme. You may change the ‘What’ component, or the ‘Why’ component, or the ‘How’ component. By changing any one of these components, the other components change as well, and the meme is altered. When the meme is altered, the consequences of acting on the meme are altered as well.

This may sound confusing at first, but over the coming weeks we’ll go over it in more detail. With more practice it will start to make more sense.

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Memes are A Category of Belief

Sometimes our beliefs lead us to consequences we don’t want to experience. The way to change those beliefs is to dispute the beliefs you have that are leading you to consequences you don’t want to experience. When you’ve experienced a negative consequence in your life, examine and challenge the beliefs you hold that led you to act in such a way that you got consequences you didn’t want.

Note that this act of disputing the belief is a process of trial and error. Changing a belief is no guarantee of getting a better consequence. But it is certain that if we don’t change the belief, we will continue to get the same negative consequence. Making a change isn’t an automatic recipe for success.

We can, however, make educated guesses as to how we might change our beliefs in order to get the consequences we do want. Once we’ve found a belief that might lead to a consequence we do want, we troubleshoot it before implementing it by asking what sort of things might go wrong if we change our beliefs. By making a plan to cover any potential misfires, there’s a greater chance that the changed belief will work to change the consequences to something more to our liking.

There is a special category of beliefs called memes. ‘Meme’ comes from the Greek word mīmēma, which means “imitated thing.” Memes are to ideas as genes are to physical characteristics like hair color, height, and eye color. A meme is an idea, belief or behavior that is passed from one person to another.

We get many of our earliest memes from our parents and our family. Later on we may pick up memes from our friends, our teachers, and our culture and society. Taken together, our memes make up our belief system and the way we deal with others.

If English is your native language, you probably learned it from your family. If you had been raised in a family that only spoke Spanish, then Spanish would be your native language. Your language was handed down to you from the people who raised you. You learned the language though a process of imitation by repeating the sounds you heard.

The people who raised you taught you your native spoken language. But there is also another language they taught you: Your emotional language. Your emotional language is the language you use to deal with relationships. The language you use to express emotions is made up of memes you inherited from your parents, guardians, or other loved ones in your life.

The vast majority of memes that we inherit are good and productive memes. They help us to function in our daily lives. But sometimes the memes we inherit lead to consequences we don’t want. For example, if I have a meme that says that my spouse must make me happy, and my spouse is okay with that, then there are no negative consequences.

But what happens if my spouse gets tired of bearing the burden of carrying my happiness for me? In such a case, if my belief, or meme, is that my spouse must make me happy, and my spouse has grown tired of trying to make me happy, then the consequence will be that I cannot be happy unless I learn to be responsible for my own happiness.

If that is the case, then I need to change the meme, “My spouse must be responsible for my happiness” to something more productive, along the lines of, “I must learn to be responsible for my own happiness.”

Meme Triads are a way to change beliefs. Next time we’ll talk about the components of a meme and how to use meme triads to change our less productive beliefs.

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Setting Boundaries: 7 Key Phrases to Use

boundaries connecting

You may download the worksheet using the button below.

Setting Effective BoundariesDownload

The way to deal with conflict in positive ways is to realize that you are not responsible for anyone’s feelings but your own. If you avoid conflict out of a fear of upsetting others, first ask yourself why you think they would be upset.

boundaries - how to set healthy ones

Worrying about the emotional reactions others might have in a given situation is usually a sign of poor boundaries with the other person. Either they routinely cross your boundaries, or you routinely cross theirs, and when this happens, the result is usually conflict. Conflict is the root of most emotional aggression. The way to solve this problem is to establish good boundaries in all of your relationships. A sign of poor boundaries is the belief that another can be responsible for your emotional well-being, or that you can be responsible for another’s emotional well-being.

Do You Have Poor Boundaries?

A good rule of thumb when establishing boundaries is to ask yourself, “Am I being asked to do something that I wouldn’t ask (the other person) to do?” If the answer is ‘yes,’ then there’s probably an issue of poor boundaries in the relationship. Here are some signs that you may have poor boundaries with others:

  • Conversations on emotional topics result in anxiety and discomfort
  • You avoid conflict until things build up, then you explode
  • You feel responsible for other people’s feelings
  • You’re afraid to say ‘no’
  • You feel guilty when you do say ‘no’
  • You rarely speak up for yourself because you fear it may lead to conflict
  • You sometimes feel disrespected if you do stand up for yourself
  • You feel that you’re constantly giving and never getting back
  • Others ask you to do things for them that you would never ask them to do for you

If you answered “yes” to more than half of the items above, then you probably have poor boundaries.

Why It’s Important

Why is it important to set boundaries? If we have poor boundaries, we begin to feel responsible for the emotional well-being of others. We may also expect others to be responsible for our emotional well-being. By learning to set healthy boundaries, we minimize frustration, guilt, and anxiety for both ourselves and others. Healthy boundaries keep others from manipulating us, and help us to avoid the temptation to manipulate others.

7 Key Boundary-Setting Phrases

Here are some statements that you may use in your relationship with others to help you practice setting good and healthy boundaries. Use these statements when you feel that one of your boundaries has been crossed, or is about to be crossed:

  • “I care about you, but I cannot be responsible for your problems.”
  • “I care about you, but right now I need time to be alone.”
  • “I will not be the object of your hostility.”
  • “Just because I disagree with you, that doesn’t mean I don’t still care about you.”
  • “I enjoy spending time with you, but today I have other plans.”
  • “I don’t allow others to make me feel guilty about myself.”
  • “Even though I disagree with you, I still respect your right to feel the way you feel.”

Core Issues and Compromise Issues

In any relationship, there are core issues, and there are issues that can be compromised upon. A core issue is one in which there can be no compromise. Refusing to accept physical or verbal abuse would be an example of a core issue. It would be ridiculous for an abuser to offer a compromise of, “I’ll only physically abuse you on Tuesdays.” Physical abuse is an issue that is not open to compromise. It is therefore a core issue. Other examples of core issues might include drug abuse, marital infidelity, and verbal or emotional abuse.

A compromise issue, on the other hand, is an issue that you are willing to compromise on. An example of a compromise issue might be the question of where to have lunch with a friend or family member. You might have a lunch preference, but the choice is something that you would be willing to compromise on to some extent.

The way to distinguish a core issue from a compromise issue is that in order to compromise on a core issue, you would have to give up who you are. In other words, you would have to change your core identity. You can set a healthy boundary by refusing to compromise on your core values and your core identity. In mindfulness, we call this core identity your True Self.

Healthy Boundaries

People who lack clear limits often feel used, disrespected, and walked on. It’s easier to establish firm limits at the start of a relationship and then relax them over time than it is to strengthen weak ones. If you catch yourself saying, “I’ll do this just this one time…,” it’s a sign you need to reinforce your personal limits.

You cannot force anyone else to take responsibility for your happiness, and you cannot take responsibility for someone else’s emotional well-being. By setting and maintaining healthy limits, you make life easier for both yourself and those around you.

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Emotional Regulation

Emotional Regulation

Successful mood management comes from successful emotional regulation. Emotional regulation means recognizing patterns of emotional aggression and stopping the cycle of emotional aggression before it starts. This means becoming aware of and attuned to your own cycles of emotions.

Before you can become attuned to your own cycles of emotional behavior, you must first be able to identify your emotions.

Society often teaches us that there are acceptable emotions to display in public, and unacceptable emotions to display in public. Those emotions that we feel safe displaying are our secondary emotions. In situations where people tend to become emotionally aggressive, there are underlying emotions driving these secondary emotions.

These underlying emotions, called primary emotions, are emotions that we do not feel safe displaying or discussing in public. If we suppress these primary emotions for long enough, it is possible that we may eventually forget what these emotions are and what they feel like. When this happens, the first step to emotional regulation is to identify these lost emotions.

By using the mindful skills of observing and describing, you can distract yourself from drowning in unpleasant emotions by simply identifying the emotions and describing their characteristics to yourself. As you step outside of the stream of feeling by distracting yourself with the process of observing and describing, it may help to name these emotions to yourself.

For example, if you’re feeling angry, repeat to yourself, “That’s anger.” As you begin to ponder this emotional state, trace it back to its origin. Are there any primary emotions driving the anger? Could it be that you are angry because you fear losing someone or something? Are you angry because of a fear of being inadequate in some area of your life? Are you angry because you are frustrated at a personal failure? The feeling behind the secondary emotion is the primary emotion.

Ruminating Cycles and Emotional Regulation

As you use your skills of observing and describing, you will not only be distracting yourself from fully experiencing the negative aspects of the mood. You will also be exploring the primary roots of the secondary emotion being experienced. As you observe and describe your emotional states to yourself, you become more emotionally aware of their origins. The more aware you are about the origins of those emotions, the more you are able to choose which emotions to give your full attention, and which emotions to let go.

A ruminating cycle is a cycle of thought or emotion. There are positive ruminating cycles and negative ruminating cycles. Such cycles consist of the self-talk we engage in as we go about our daily business.

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios involving ruminating cycles. These cycles are from Joe and Jim. Joe’s negative ruminating cycle might look like this:

“My wife just frowned at me. I wonder what she’s upset about?”
“What have I done wrong this time?”
“Can’t I ever do anything right?”
“Why is it so hard to please her?”
“Maybe I should just divorce her and get it over with. She’s never happy.”
“I’ll show her! I’ll give her the silent treatment!”

Jim’s positive ruminating cycle might look like this:

“My wife just frowned. I wonder if she’s upset?”
“Maybe she’s just having a bad day.”
“I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help?”
“I’m happy that she trusts me enough to share her innermost feelings with me!”

Joe’s negative ruminating cycle assumes that his wife’s frown was personal in that Joe believes that his wife was frowning at him. Jim, on the other hand, simply noted that his wife had frowned, without assuming that the frown was directed at him personally. Joe also assumed that his wife’s frown was indicative of a pervasive problem: That Joe cannot ever do anything to please his wife. Jim, on the other hand, recognized that this was just one incident, and not a pervasive problem. His response to his wife’s frown was, “Maybe she’s just having a bad day.”

Finally, Joe’s ruminating cycle assumes a permanent problem: That Joe can’t “ever do anything right,” while Jim doesn’t see it as a permanent problem. He’s even willing to try to change the situation by wondering if there is anything he can do to help his wife.

Try this: The next time you find yourself in a ruminating cycle, whether it is a positive cycle or a negative cycle, begin talking out loud. Verbalize your thought and feeling patterns by observing and describing them. Look for any permanent, personal or pervasive patterns of thinking and feeling.

Be on the lookout for all-or-nothing thinking. You can usually identify such patterns of thought by looking for words like always and never. The good news about thoughts like, “Things have always been this way,” and “Things are never going to change,” is that you only need one example to disprove them. If Joe has ever done a single thing to please his wife, then he cannot say, “I can never do anything to please her.”

If Joe can find just one example of where things have gone well, then he can’t say, “I always do the wrong thing.” He might do the wrong thing 99,999 times, but if there’s even one case in which he did the right thing, then he is not justified in saying, “I always do the wrong thing.”

If Joe can think of a single time when he was able to do the right thing, then it means that it is possible to do the right thing. If it is possible to do the right thing once, it is possible to do the right thing again. All that remains is figuring out what made it possible, and repeating the conditions that made it possible.

The key point to remember about ruminating cycles is that they are self-reinforcing. Emotions like to hang around once they’ve shown up. Research has shown that once a ruminating cycle of emotional aggression gets started, we tend to act, think, and feel in ways that perpetuate the cycle. We’re conditioned to believe that when we have strong emotions, we must immediately act upon them.

Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy teaches us that we do not have to act on those emotions, and we don’t have to dwell on them. We can simply observe and describe those emotions without feeling the need to react or respond.

It may help to remember that there is no such thing as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ feeling. What may be considered ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is the behavior that comes after the feeling. So the problem is in the behavior, not the feeling itself. One of the behaviors that can be labeled as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ or ‘positive’ or ‘negative,’ is the ruminating cycle itself.

It works in this way: You have a negative feeling (anger, hostility, sadness, etc.). You then activate a ruminating cycle by continuing to dwell on the feeling. As you continue to dwell on the feeling, the negative emotion feeds off of the ruminating cycle and the emotion causes you to become more and more emotionally aroused, until you act out with emotional aggression.

You can change this behavior in this way: When you note a negative emotion, simply observe it and describe it, while recognizing that you do not have to dwell on it. The feeling itself is not ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ It simply is. You can decide not to give it power over you by disengaging from the ruminating cycle. In doing so, you don’t feed the negative emotion, and it eventually subsides.

When you have mastered this, you will be well on the way to managing your moods.

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The River of Your Mind: Understanding Thoughts and Feelings Through Mindfulness

river thought streams the river

At the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, we often return to a simple but powerful image: your thoughts and feelings are a river. This stream is always moving, always changing, and never the same from one moment to the next. Sometimes it is calm and clear. Other times it is fast, turbulent, and filled with debris. But it is always a stream, flowing whether you pay attention to it or not.

The question is not whether the river exists. The question is: how do you relate to it?

What Does Your Inner River Look Like?

Your internal experience…your thoughts, emotions, impulses, memories, and reactions…can be understood as water moving through a continuous system. In mindfulness practice, you learn to observe that stream rather than being swept away by it.

Sometimes positive thoughts rise to the surface: gratitude, joy, connection, hope. At other times, more difficult experiences appear: anger, anxiety, sadness, frustration, or overwhelm. None of these states is permanent, and none of them defines who you are.

The stream simply carries what flows through it.

When you begin to see your inner life this way, you start to notice an important shift: you are not the water itself. You are the awareness that can notice the water.

River Water Meditation

The Six Mindfulness Skills and the Flow of the River

Mindfulness is not just a vague idea of “being present.” It is a set of practical skills that help you relate differently to your inner stream. These six skills are:

When you observe, you notice the river without trying to change it. You simply see what is present: thoughts, sensations, emotions moving through awareness.

When you describe, you put gentle language to your experience: “I am noticing anger,” or “I am feeling tension,” rather than becoming fused with it.

When you participate, you fully engage with life while remaining aware of the stream in the background.

When you are non-judgmental, you stop labeling the flow as “good” or “bad.” It just is.

When you are one-mindful, you bring your attention fully to the present moment instead of being pulled into past regrets or future fears.

When you are effective, you choose actions that support your well-being rather than reacting automatically from emotional intensity.

Together, these skills help you recognize something essential: your emotional states are processes, not permanent identities.

Standing on the Riverbank: You Are Not Your Thoughts

One of the most important insights in mindfulness is this: you are not your thoughts, and you are not your feelings.

You may experience anger, but you are not “an angry person.” You may feel sadness, but you are not “a depressed person.” You may feel anxiety, but you are not “an anxious identity.”

You are the awareness that notices these states passing through the river of your mind.

This distinction matters deeply, especially when emotional intensity leads to reactive or aggressive behavior. When you believe you are your emotions, you are more likely to act from them automatically. But when you see emotions as temporary events, you gain the ability to pause, observe, and choose your response.

Sometimes the most powerful action is not to jump into the stream, but to step onto the riverbank and watch it flow.

You are still you, even when you are not swept away.

The River of Perfection and Emotional Pressure

Emotional aggression and distress often arise when there is an internal demand for perfection. Many people who struggle with emotional regulation are deeply passionate and caring. You feel strongly, and that intensity matters. But when that intensity becomes tied to rigid expectations, suffering increases.

Perfection is especially tricky because it has no universal definition. If you ask three people what a “perfect day” looks like, you will likely hear three completely different answers. For one person, perfection might be a quiet day at the beach. For another, it might be hiking in the mountains. For someone else, it might be a day immersed in books and silence.

So what is “perfect,” really?

The truth is that perfection is not an objective reality. It is a personal construction. And when your internal definition of perfection becomes rigid, impossible, or constantly out of reach, you create unnecessary emotional pressure within yourself.

That pressure often flows into the river as frustration, self-criticism, or emotional reactivity.

Mindfulness invites you to loosen your grip on perfection. You are allowed to redefine it in ways that are human, flexible, and achievable. You are also allowed to step away from perfection-based self-judgment entirely.

You do not need to meet impossible standards to be worthy of peace.

Letting the River Flow Without Becoming It

The goal of mindfulness is not to stop the river. You cannot dam your thoughts and feelings without consequences. Suppression does not end the flow. It simply creates pressure. Another way to look at it is that telling yourself not to think about it is thinking about it.

Instead, mindfulness teaches you to change your relationship with the river.

You learn to notice it. To sit beside it. To feel its movement without being carried away by every current. You learn that even intense emotional states rise and fall like water moving through changing terrain.

And perhaps most importantly, you learn this: You always have a choice about where you stand in relation to your experience.

Sometimes you are in the river. Sometimes you are on the bank. Both are part of being human. The practice is learning when to step out, when to observe, and when to engage with intention rather than reaction.

Closing Reflection: The River Always Flows

Your thoughts and feelings will continue to flow like a river for as long as you live. They will shift, intensify, soften, and change direction without warning. Mindfulness does not ask you to control that flow.

It asks you to see it clearly.

And in that clarity, you begin to realize something quietly life-changing: you are not the river. You are the awareness in which the river flows.

Share Your Thoughts About the River of the Mind!

What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments below!


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NEW COURSE: Ethics of Ecotherapy

ethics and ecotherapy
  • Target Audience: Mental Health Professionals
  • ONLINE Continuing Education Hours: 2 (Two)
  • NBCC Approval: Yes
CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE THIS COURSE! ON SALE UNTIL JUNE 30, 2023!

Course Description

Ecotherapy usually includes doing therapy outdoors. Therapy in non-traditional settings presents unique ethical challenges. These ethical issues are usually not covered in therapy graduate school programs. In this course we will discuss how to address some common ethical issues for therapists and counselors that are unique to the process of ecotherapy.

Course Objectives

After taking this course the student will be able to:
  • Discuss and describe confidentiality and informed consent issues common to the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss training recommendations regarding the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss assessment and client safety issues common to the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss and describe what constitutes dual relationships in ecotherapy
  • Discuss and describe values conflicts in ecotherapy settings
  • Develop a sense of self-awareness for counselors and therapists practicing ecotherapy

Course Instructions

This is a recorded version of a course that was offered on Tuesday, June 20, 2023. This version of the course is for ONLINE CONTINUING EDUCATION CREDIT. Once you have purchased the course, there will be several course documents available for download, plus a series of lessons including a two-hour video presentation. When you have completed the presentation and the review, there will be a final exam. You have three attempts to pass the final exam with a score of 80% or higher. Once you have passed the final a certificate of completion will be generated in pdf format for your records.

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Ethics of Ecotherapy TOMORROW

ethics and ecotherapy

In our ongoing effort to improve the quality of the courses we offer, we will be applying to the National Board for Certified Counselors (NBCC) to be able to provide LIVE continuing education opportunities in addition to our online offerings.

As part of this process we are offering this FREE two-hour course on Ethics in Ecotherapy in June of 2023!

This course will cover some ethics issues common to the practice of ecotherapy. In addition to two free hours of continuing education on the Ethics of Ecotherapy, participants will receive a coupon code good for $25 off any course offered by the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC.

This course will be conducted by Zoom, so you will need access to Zoom for the course.

This course will be live TOMORROW, June 20, at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time.

Join Zoom Meeting
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/89945203020?pwd=YzNTYnhoT2xqYkt3M0pTYk5wSG1lQT09

Meeting ID: 899 4520 3020
Passcode: 462232

If you are attending, please make sure you have updated Zoom to the latest version! Older versions may not work with this course!

 

Ecotherapy usually includes doing therapy outdoors. Therapy in non-traditional settings presents unique ethical challenges. These ethical issues are usually not covered in therapy graduate school programs. In this course we will discuss how to address some common ethical issues for therapists and counselors that are unique to the process of ecotherapy.  

Course Objectives

After taking this course the student will be able to:

  • Discuss and describe confidentiality and informed consent issues common to the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss training recommendations regarding the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss assessment and client safety issues common to the practice of ecotherapy
  • Discuss and describe what constitutes dual relationships in ecotherapy
  • Discuss and describe values conflicts in ecotherapy settings
  • Develop a sense of self-awareness for counselors and therapists practicing ecotherapy  

Course Instructions

This is a LIVE course that will be offered on Tuesday, June 20, 2023 at 10 a.m. Pacific Daylight Savings Time. An email reminder containing the Zoom code to access the course will be sent the day before the conference. The conference will be presented on Zoom. You need to be present for the duration of the course to get course credit.

The course will be two hours on Zoom. At the end of the course you will have access to a link for the final exam.

Upon successful completion of the exam you will receive a Certificate of Completion in pdf format, and you will be emailed a coupon code good for $25 off any course offered by the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC.

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Plateau Pride

The Mindful Ecotherapy Center has always been an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community. Representatives from the Mindful Ecotherapy Center, LLC recently attended Plateau Pride 2023 in the Tehaleh Community of Bonney Lake, Washington.

This video features interviews with many of the vendors and members of Hope Development Practice, the sponsor of the event.

We celebrated Pride Month at Plateau Pride in Bonney Lake, Washington. Watch the video highlights here!

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Managing Beliefs with Mindfulness-Based Ecotherapy

managing beliefs

Managing beliefs is a way of dealing with patterns of behavior that lead to emotional aggression. When we examine the assumptions that support our beliefs, we can better manage our behavior and avoid the tendency to respond with emotional aggression. Managing beliefs is an essential part of emotional healing and personal growth. The beliefs you hold about yourself, other people, relationships, and the world often shape your emotional reactions and behavioral patterns. When these beliefs are rooted in fear, shame, insecurity, resentment, or unresolved trauma, they can contribute to emotionally aggressive behaviors that damage relationships and create emotional chaos.

From a mindful ecotherapy perspective, managing beliefs begins with awareness. You cannot change emotional patterns that you do not first recognize. By mindfully examining the assumptions underneath your reactions, you can begin to understand why certain situations trigger anger, defensiveness, manipulation, or emotional withdrawal.

In mindfulness-based ecotherapy, many people discover that their emotional responses are connected to deeply ingrained beliefs formed through past experiences, family systems, cultural conditioning, trauma, or unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Recognizing Beliefs That Lead to Harmful Consequences

One of the most important aspects of managing beliefs is recognizing when certain beliefs consistently lead to unwanted consequences. These consequences may include conflict in romantic relationships, damaged friendships, family tension, workplace problems, or even legal difficulties caused by emotional dysregulation or aggression.

For example, a person who unconsciously believes, “People will always abandon me,” may become emotionally controlling or reactive in relationships. Someone who believes, “I must always be in control,” may respond with anger or intimidation when feeling vulnerable. Another person may believe, “If I admit I’m wrong, I’m weak,” which can prevent accountability and healthy communication.

Mindful self-reflection allows you to ask difficult but necessary questions:

  • Are my beliefs helping or hurting my relationships?
  • Do my reactions create peace or emotional chaos?
  • Are my behaviors producing the kind of life I truly want?

The first step in healing is personal responsibility. Nobody else can change your beliefs for you. Managing beliefs requires a willingness to honestly examine your own patterns without blaming others for every emotional reaction.

Emotional Chaos and Emotional Aggression

Emotional aggression and emotional dysregulation often create emotional chaos both internally and externally. Many people who struggle with regulating difficult emotions unconsciously create conflict around them as a way of distracting themselves from their own pain, fear, insecurity, or unresolved trauma.

Managing beliefs

In addiction recovery, there is a pattern sometimes referred to as “drinking at” or “drugging at” someone. A person struggling with addiction may provoke arguments or create conflict so they can justify substance use by blaming another person for their emotional state. Instead of taking responsibility, they externalize blame.

This same pattern can occur with emotional aggression. A person who struggles with emotional regulation may provoke conflict, escalate arguments, manipulate emotions, or create instability to justify their reactions. In this way, emotional chaos becomes both a distraction and a coping mechanism.

From a mindful ecotherapy perspective, this cycle often reflects deep nervous system dysregulation. When people feel disconnected from themselves, from others, and from the natural world, they may unconsciously seek stimulation through conflict and emotional intensity.

Can People Become Addicted to Emotional States?

Neuroscience research suggests that emotional states trigger chemical responses within the brain. Intense anger, fear, conflict, drama, and emotional volatility can stimulate neurotransmitters that create temporary feelings of energy, control, excitement, or emotional release.

Over time, some individuals may develop what is known as a process addiction. Unlike substance addictions, process addictions involve becoming psychologically dependent on patterns of behavior or emotional states rather than chemicals themselves.

A person may become addicted to:

  • Conflict
  • Drama
  • Emotional intensity
  • Control
  • Anger
  • Victimhood
  • Relationship chaos

When emotional aggression becomes a repeated coping strategy, the nervous system may begin to normalize chaos as familiar and emotionally stimulating.

This does not make someone “bad” or hopeless. It means their nervous system may have adapted to unhealthy emotional environments and developed patterns that now require healing and conscious change.

Managing Beliefs Through Mindful Ecotherapy

Mindful ecotherapy offers a holistic approach to managing beliefs and emotional regulation by reconnecting people with self-awareness, embodiment, and the calming rhythms of nature.

Nature provides an environment that slows emotional reactivity and supports nervous system regulation. Forest walks, mindful breathing outdoors, gardening, grounding practices, and observing natural ecosystems can help create the internal space necessary for honest self-reflection.

When you spend time in nature mindfully, you often become more aware of your emotional patterns without immediately reacting to them. This awareness helps interrupt cycles of emotional aggression and allows healthier responses to emerge.

Mindfulness practices can also help you identify the beliefs beneath emotional reactions. Instead of automatically responding with anger or blame, you learn to pause and ask:

  • What belief is driving this reaction?
  • Is this belief actually true?
  • Is this belief helping me heal or harming my relationships?
  • What would happen if I chose a different response?

Managing beliefs does not mean suppressing emotions. It means learning to respond consciously instead of reacting impulsively.

Healing Emotional Aggression Through Responsibility and Awareness

Healing emotional aggression requires courage, accountability, and compassion for yourself and others. Blaming others for every emotional reaction keeps people trapped in cycles of conflict and emotional suffering. Taking responsibility for your beliefs and behaviors creates the possibility for genuine transformation.

From a mindful ecotherapy perspective, healing is not about perfection. It is about becoming more aware, more grounded, and more connected to yourself, your relationships, and the living world around you.

The more consciously you begin managing beliefs, the more freedom you create within your emotional life. Emotional peace often begins when you stop trying to control others and begin understanding yourself.

References

Singh R, Sharma R, Chauhan VS, Chatterjee K. Neurobiological underpinnings of emotions. Ind Psychiatry J. 2021 Oct;30(Suppl 1): S308-S310. doi: 10.4103/0972-6748.328838. Epub 2021 Oct 22. PMID: 34908718; PMCID: PMC8611534.

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45 Signs of an Emotionally Aggressive Relationship

EMOTIONALLY AGGRESSIVE

Emotional aggression is the aggressive use of our own emotional states in an attempt to manipulate or control others, or in an attempt to make others responsible for our moods. If I hold others responsible for my emotional state, I am being emotionally aggressive. Likewise, if I attempt to control the emotional states of others against their will, I am being emotionally aggressive.

If you have beliefs that are leading you to react in ways that are emotionally aggressive, you may choose to challenge those beliefs so that you may replace them with new beliefs that do not lead to emotionally aggressive consequences.

One of the tenets of mindfulness is the realization that we are not our thoughts, and we are not our feelings. Thoughts and feelings are simply processes of the mind. We can choose to pay attention to those processes, or we can choose to ignore them.

Here’s a way to demonstrate that you are not your thoughts. Suppose I tell you that for the next ten minutes, you are to avoid having any thoughts. Now, further suppose that you attempt to avoid having any thoughts for ten minutes. About two or three minutes into this exercise, you catch yourself having a thought.

When you realize that you had a thought, what part of you is it that recognized that you had a thought? It couldn’t be your thoughts, because the thoughts are what you recognized. So that means that there is another part of you that is independent from your thoughts. This part of you is what practitioners of mindfulness call your True Self. The True Self is what recognizes that you were having a thought. The True Self is independent of your thoughts.

Emotionally Aggressive Behavior and the True Self

emotionally aggressive

Your True Self is who you would be if you could ‘get out of your own way’ and live the life you were meant to live. Your True Self is who you are when you strip away all the masks that you put on in day-to-day life and get down to the business of being who you were meant to be.

Think for a moment about your own True Self. Suppose you could be anyone you wanted to be. Who would you choose to be? What things are keeping you from living in your True Self? When you act in an emotionally aggressive manner, are you being your True Self?

One way to tell if a belief is keeping you from being the person you were meant to be is to consider the consequences of that belief. Most emotional aggression comes from the belief that we can change the behavior of other people. In fact, the very definition of emotional aggression is: “Using our own emotional states in an attempt to control the behavior of others.” Emotional aggression occurs when others refuse to live up to our expectations of how we believe they should behave and what they should feel.

One of the marks of an addiction to emotional processes is the belief that we can and should tell others how to feel and what to think. If we have such beliefs, and if people fail to meet our expectations, the result can be emotional aggression. That is to say that we get frustrated that others in our lives resist our attempts to control their behavior, and we may react by becoming angry, sad, or frustrated.

Because these beliefs are often embedded in processes that have become automatic, it may sometimes be difficult to identify those beliefs. The questions below may help you to identify some of these beliefs and patterns of behavior.

The first five questions are for your partner (if you have one). If your partner is willing to answer these questions, have him or her do so. If your partner is not willing, try to answer those questions as well as you can, based on what you think your partner would say.

The rest of the questions are for you to answer. Be as honest with yourself as you can in answering.

Signs of an Emotionally Aggressive Relationship

Does your partner:

  • Feel afraid of you much of the time?
  • Avoid certain topics out of fear of upsetting you?
  • Feel that they can’t do anything right for you?
  • Feel emotionally numb or helpless?
  • Feel trapped or imprisoned?

Do you:

  • Humiliate, criticize, or yell at your partner?
  • Use abusive language
  • Ignore your partner’s answers
  • Mock or call your partner names
  • Yell, swear, interrupt, or change the subject by turning blame back onto your partner?
  • Become emotionally aggressive towards your partner?
  • Twist your partner’s words?
  • Tell your partner what to think and how to feel?
  • Put your partner down in front of other people?
  • Say bad things about your partner’s friends and family?
  • Treat your partner so badly that your partner is embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
  • Ignore or put down your partner’s opinions or accomplishments?
  • Blame your partner for your own abusive behavior?
  • Make light of your own behavior and not take your partner’s concerns about it seriously?
  • Deny that the emotional aggression happened?
  • Shift responsibility for your behavior, or say that your partner caused it?
  • See your partner as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
  • Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  • Hurt your partner, or threaten to hurt or kill your partner?
  • Hit, slap, kick, choke, push, punch, beat, or restrain your partner to keep them from leaving?
  • Destroy furniture, punch holes in the walls, or damage your partner’s possessions?
  • Use the children or other family members against your partner?
  • Lock your partner out of the house?
  • Threaten to take your partner’s children away or harm them?
  • Threaten to harm other family members or family pets?
  • Threaten to commit self-harm, up to and including suicide, if your partner leaves?
  • Force your partner to have sex against their will?
  • Destroy your partner’s belongings?
  • Use blaming, shaming, or guilt-tripping to control your partner?
  • Act excessively jealous and possessive?
  • Control where your partner goes or what your partner does?
  • Keep your partner from seeing their friends or family?
  • Make rules that it is impossible for your partner to keep?
  • Punish your partner for not keeping these impossible rules?
  • Force your partner into decisions they may not be ready to make?
  • Always insist on being right?
  • Refuse to ‘agree to disagree’?
  • Follow your partner to see what they’re doing and where they’re going?
  • Refuse to leave when asked?
  • Limit your partner’s access to money, the phone, or the car for anything other than budgetary reasons?
  • Withhold money as a means of control?
  • Refuse to let your partner work, or interfere with your partner’s job?
  • Show up at your partner’s job to cause trouble?
  • Constantly check up on your partner?
  • Go through your partner’s emails, cell phone records, text messages, or other communications?

If you checked more than five items on the list above, you may have difficulties managing emotionally aggressive behavior towards yourself and towards others.

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